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Fiancé left me
All I know is that he was waking up panicking about work for weeks, I was holding him to sleep. He was scared when he started taking the medication. He was asking me to hold him in the mornings because he was frightened. The stress was hard on me too.
He called me to end it after he left. He was so firm and cold. I could not change his mind or even get him to go to a counsellor with me. It's now been 1.5 weeks and no contact from him and his family have advised me they need to stay out of it & are not speaking to me either... He called my father to tell him how beautiful I was, but that he had to follow his gut and heart.
There was no attempt to try work through anything together. Im an absolute mess and I feel as though I've been left in a dark hole of nothingness, whilst he will be feeling numbed by the medication. But I'm also so worried about him at the same time. None of this makes sense. I'm completely in shock, I feel lost & distraught.
Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.
I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with this. It sounds like it was both very fast and completely unexpected.
I feel like this is one of those situations were words can't always make it better. It hurts; and everything hurts, because it's confusing, doesn't make sense and came out of nowhere.
I'm wondering if you have a lot of support to help you; you mentioned your father- has he been there for you? I think it would be important to find your support team and use them; whether that's friends, family or colleagues. Remember if you are struggling you can always contact your GP or the BeyondBlue help line 1300 22 4636.
I also encourage you to find things that fill you with safety and comfort; whether that's keeping distracted, exercise, meditation and relaxation exercises, work/study, music, journalling.. the list is endless but the priority is self-care. Right now, you need to come first.
Hi Gloria 1. Your fiancés severe depression made it impossible for him to work or commit to your relationship. It is obviously extremely distressing for you as you had no knowledge of where he was emotionally. Depression clouds your mind and thought processes nose-dive because of the inability to think clearly. I think at the moment you should think about your own feelings of betrayal. Maybe ask a Dr for a referral to a counsellor to help process what's happened with your fiancé. Breaking any relationship, be it marriage, business partnership or, in your case an engagement causes the one left to feel betrayed and hurt. Lack of knowledge also means you are grieving. I also think, for now, leave him be, he needs time to sort his feelings out and decide on his future. Maybe with time, you could write and ask him how he is, let him know you're there if he wants to talk. Take care of you for now. As romantic also mentioned is your father able to offer support. Our support line is available 24/7 should you need to talk. You don't have to feel alone in your grief. We do have counsellors available who will offer support.
Thank you for your kind words. It has been a big shock.
I actually had a call from him today, for the first time in 1.5 weeks. He was very kind and wanted to seperate and sort out all of our items. I was very brave and was strong. My concern is all for him.
I knew that he went to a priest in our local area, and I booked an appointment to see him and he advised me that he had asked him to pray with him because he was sick.
I am so lost. I need to do self care, but it's so hard to do so when I don't feel like I care about myself anymore.
Hi Gloria. You are grieving and the hardest part of this is the fact that you are blaming yourself. He has told you, you are not to blame. He was under intense strain with his business, the medication he was taking. It's possible he was concerned about whether he could be the husband he knew you wanted. None of this makes it your fault. When a man decides to marry, he does worry whether he can provide for his wife and future family. This quite natural, men are raised believing themselves to be the main 'breadwinner'. The wife will possibly work for an undetermined time till she has children, then she either chooses to return to work or stays home to raise the children. Either way, the man is the chosen provider, your fiancé could've gotten 'cold feet' worrying that he wouldn't be able to provide and decided to halt till he felt more secure in his chosen role. This does not mean you should blame yourself, it means he could've been letting you know he felt inadequate and needed time to re-consider. Depression has made it harder for him to think clearer and he needs this time to get himself to a place where he feels stronger. For you now, you need to be with friends who understand your feelings of betrayal. You need support and help to get you through this. The grief you feel is real and it's important for you to grieve as you will heal but it will take time. Trying to process where and why is not easy, he can't even process it. Try not to dwell on why, it hurts more when we don't know the answers. BB is here 24/7, counsellors are here to listen and offer support.
I understand that your concern is for him, but you can't forget about's happening to you, because it's been such an enormous upheaval to what you had thought would be the future for the two of you, but now it doesn't seem to be, however as Lynda has said he needs time to sort himself out, and as Romantic says whether your father could be the go-between here and if he does he has to know that it won't be an easy journey for him, because your finance's mood are going to change. even without warning.
Can I say that when someone in a relationship does become depressed their first instinct is to want to leave, but the interesting part to this is that they always need someone to fall back onto, which means that he may still contact you over the period it takes for him to get better, any time or day of the week, in other words they have to feel as though they can contact someone and in this case it could be you or your dad, but this will be when he's feeling terrible.
Can I suggest you go and see your own doctor and if you feel as though you would like your dad to go with you maybe a good idea.
I really hope that wind will change and the two of you eventually get back together. Geoff. x
I think you might be having different responses to your situation from different parts of your head and heart.
In one box you are trying hard to be the responsible caring adult . One who can care for a an unwell loved one and place their need first in the short term as they are unwell an need extra support.
In another box in your head is an aggrieved and maybe even furious women who feels that she has been cast aside even though the the relationship seemed great , and you had been so supportive and giving.And to top it all off, there wasn’t even much in the way of explanation or discussion!!!
In another box , there may be a scared little girl - one who is frightened of being alone, one who is frightened of not being understood or seen or loved.( we all have those)
In another box there may just be grief and and loss… thats the hole we have when something is gone… the missing that thing , the wanting that thing to be back in our life, the longing, the sadness about it not being there.
So.. what to do ? Well I think in these early stages , know that you will go a little all over the place.. from one box to another and back again. thats ok.. You don’t have to decide to be one of those things.. be anyone at any time.
With him, you simply can’t make people want to be with you …HE needs to work that one out.
My suggestion is that your best plan here is to best YOUR best self. Continue to work at being a strong independent compassionate healthy person. Continue to develop your friendships, your family relationships, your work life, your health. Take care of hobbies, exercise, sleep… learn ways to comfort yourself. Be your most awesome you. If he heals and returns to you, he is coming back to you and you are in a position of strength to receive him and work together to repair the damage .. If he drifts off in his life , well the work you have done will only see you on the next chapter of your life .. whatever that will be.