Fiancé left after falling into depression

[acwmumofone]

Hi all,

My partner was last year diagnosed with mild depression. Since then our best friend died and he managed to cope for about a month or two. Coming into the third month he was too overwhelmed to work. So I made him go to the doctor to make sure he didn’t need meds upped or anything. He went for a ten minute appointment and came out with anti depressants for chronic depression.

The tablets have since kicked in and he’s got completely worse. He’s gone from telling me he loves me, making a wedding playlist then the next morning packing up and going. He won’t talk to me, look at me, nothing. He’s told me it’s over and nothing can fix this. Says he’s not happy anymore and feels differently. Everyone else who’s been speaking to me keeps telling me to hold on until the new anti depressants are out of his system and that he doesn’t mean anything he’s saying. He says one thing to me and another thing to his mum and his actions are all he loves me.

im just so confused and don’t even know how to cope at the moment. We’ve been together 5 years and have a son together. I can’t comprehend how someone can change so quickly from being madly in love to nothing.

[PamelaR]

Hello acwmumofone

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums. It's very good you've found your way here. How painful it must have your best friend die. Such a sad time for you and your hubby. How have you been coping with the grief of the lose?

Looking after him, your son, have you left any time for yourself? Depression can cause different responses in different people. Have you had a look at the resources available about depression from the Beyond Blue homepage under the facts tab (or three bars on the left hand side. Dependent on the device you use)?

Medication can take up to 4-6 weeks to take effect. Sometimes also, it is very hard for men to talk about what they are going through. There is this stereotypical view that men need to be strong and he's not feeling that way at the moment. He could very well be feeling - because I'm not strong, therefore I'm not good enough to look after my family. It really is very difficult to know what he is thinking if he's not talking. I note that it was you who made him go to the doctors. Could he think you don't think he's good enough?

Have a read of the Men Isolated thread under the Staying Well forum to see how they are feeling about expressing their emotions. Quite different to women in some ways.

Do you have anyone you can talk to about what you are going through? Are you prepared to see someone or talk to someone like Relationships Australia ph 1300 364 277?

Please let us know how you get on. You are not alone out there. There are many people with depression and many people who live with people who have depression. They have very fulfilling and loving relationships. Have a read of some of the positive stories in the forums. You might get some ideas.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[acwmumofone]

Hi PamelaR

I found myself grieving very well considering. But am now contemplating whether I was making it all just to keep my family together with how my partner was coping. im now just furious at our friend for dying and somewhat ruining my family.

I, myself also suffer depression and have for many years. So I’ve known all the signs and stuff to be able to get myself up and going again.

I realise I shouldn’t have pushed him to go to the doctors but I was out of ideas. He’d dig himself this hole and wasn’t making any attempts to get out of it. He then proceeded to go out every night of the week to see All of his friends which I’m thinking could be a reaction to losing one of them. Just do don’t explain his up and leaving of myself and his child.

hes since gone back onto his old medication and is slowly showing glimpses of him old self. But even still messages me saying he won’t try counselling or anything and he’s sorry but he doesn’t feel the same but can give no explanation.

its been two weeks since he’s been gone and has been out and about with everyone else whilst completely writing off me and our son.

I’m just not even sure what to do anymore. The pain and helplessness is killing me 😰

thank you for the recommended boards. They were very helpful. But not a lot I can do with someone who just keeps telling me he loves me but it’s just the the same or how it used to be.

[geoff]

Hello Acwmumofone, it's not easy to post your first couple of comments because you need to find your footing.

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your friend, but please don't feel guilty pushing your husband to the doctor's because he does need to be diagnosed.

We have seen many times and probably from our own experience as well that when someone gets depression they want to leave, they don't want to have to answer questions because they don't know them, all they want is to be alone.

For him to go out with his mates is his way of coping, whether it's drinking is a way to self medicate.

I'm pleased he's back on his old medication and give him some time to give you an explanation and I don't believe he has forgotten about you or your son, just keep in contact with him.

Geoff.

[acwmumofone]

Thank you for your reply Geoff.

I am glad he has seen someone but just feel so ripped off that after a ten minute appointment, a change of meds and no follow up can result in my whole family being torn apart.

You are very correct with the not having answers side of things. Every time I asked a question it was continuously I don’t know. But even with the lead up to him leaving he was telling me how much he loved me and he was glad he had me to struggle through this with him. We are engaged to be married in a years time and he made a wedding playlist the night before leaving.

He finally made contact and just proceeds to say he will always love me but it just isn’t the same. Is this the depression talking? Will he ever feel the same again? I just can’t comprehend how someone can flick a switch and change feelings overnight.

Once our friend died he was petrified of going to work or saying goodbye to us in case it was the last time he said anything. But again, he just up and left us and won’t reply to any contact unless it involves money or to tell me it’s 110% over and we can never be fixed.

Im just not sure how to feel at the moment. Thank you for listening to me whinge.