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Feeling worthless and unloved in relationship.
I'm not sure if i'm just meant to say what's on my mind here or what. But i'm just so angry and I don't want to burden family or friends with how I'm feeling, because it clearly makes them love you less and drives them away. Which I think is so wrong and upsetting.
I've battled depression for 6 years now. He knew this going into our relationship and I don't think he cares and or understands what goes on in my mind. I'm worried that he will reach the end of the week and he won't miss me. And I will have waited a week to be dumped and left behind with a broken heart and a feeling of worthlessness.
Welcome here, and the first thing to say is yes, you say what you feel. If you don't we won't understand what's going on. I don't blame you for being angry, or hurt, or very anxious about what's going to happen.
May I first off ask you if you are under treatment? From the length of time involved I'd expect you were, however that's not always the case. If you are then I'd see your doctor and explain what's happening and ask if your meds or therapy should be reviewed. If you are not then I'd strongly suggest you go to your GP in a long appointment and lay everything out and ask for diagnosis and treatment.
When you go into a relationship you have expectations, because you have an idea of what a relationship should be. Apart from anything else it means trusting and looking after the other person. Sadly this has not worked out and you rightly feel abandoned. Relationships are not just for the good times.
To be fair if a person has no personal experience of mental illness then they will have no real understanding of what it means to say 'I have depression'. That being said if you care for somebody and they are in distress then you do all you can to make things better. This means if they have diabetes you learn about insulin, injections, diet and lifestyle.
If they have depression then you learn what to do, in conjunction with their doctor. About distractions, meds, triggers, lifestyle and so on. By doing this three things happen. First the appropriate actions may do some good, secondly the ill person feels a measure of support, and lastly the supporter has the knowledge of what to do, and not just feel useless.
I'm not saying a supporter can always do that much, but even feeling they are informed and what is reasonable to expect from themselves is a big plus. They to may well need support in turn from family or friends.
Despite how you feel do you think it is worth giving your boyfriend the opportunity to do this? While I don't know the circumstances it may be he has retreated out of frustration and feelings of impotence.
A friend seriously ill in hospital is a very anxious and stressful time. Apart from your BF do you have anyone else to support you? It can make a big difference.
It would be good if you would like to post again and say more.
Hi, thankyou for your post. It's nice to know that this feeling is universally known.
As I was so young when I was first diagnosed with depression, my family decided that speaking to a psychologist would be better than medication. A decision that I respected but didn't fully understand at that age. However when I started to get older and get to the end of my schooling year- anxiety was thrown into the mix in a way I had never experienced. Then when faced with the opportunity to move state away from my family for study I could not do it alone.
This is when I decided to go on medication. Originally I was on a small dosage of medication a day. A month or two after I still felt scared, homesick and lacked self esteem. I started drinking a lot and turning to sex to try and feel loved. Obviously it did the apposite.
by the time I met my partner I had climbed in dosage. During the first few months he knew of my previous struggles and only had to deal with a bad day here and there. Two months ago I decided that I didn't want medication to define me. I felt as though I had forgotten who I used to be. I was manic and not myself. It took about two months to slowly go off of them. Now I have to work twice as hard to keep myself busy and be present.
my partner says he understands. But saying it is one thing. He will never admit that mental illness is hard to overcome. My father is exactly the same. I have my Mother. She's probably the only one who understands.