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Feeling very lost
I saw your post and I just had to say something. I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult and trying situation. It must be so hard to keep yourself together when it feels like things could be falling apart all around you. The fact you had the strength to come onto these forums is really telling though - please don't sell yourself short! You have definitely not failed at life!
It's okay to make mistakes as we wander through life. We aren't perfect and I don't believe that we ever can be. But by those standards, it also means we are not failures! We never really know what to expect each day and sometimes that can be really terrifying, the unknown is certainly intimidating, and amidst those circumstances, it must be so very exhausting. Honestly, I think you have been incredibly strong. It is okay to feel tired and worn out.
It may be intimidating but if you feel comfortable doing so, are there other people that live close to you such as family or friends or etc that you may be able to ask for help? Maybe being able to find a space where you can ground yourself and feel comfortable, just a way to help turn off those anxious thoughts and give you a reprieve. Maybe try to write down your thoughts and feelings onto a notepad or journal, just to get them out and help you to sort through them. Then perhaps it will feel a little less overwhelming, and you will be able to focus better on one individual thing at a time or work up a way to talk to your parents or husband if you feel comfortable doing so about making a plan or how you are feeling.
In the meantime you always have Beyond Blue, I have not called them myself before but I am sure that a conversation with them via phone may help you to de-stress. Sorry for the mountain of text! But just reading your post... I really believe in you! You had so much courage to write this here even in such a tight spot! Believe in yourself and be gentle to yourself.
Nimi, sending you strength!
Thank you so much for your response!! I did get it when u first posted I just wanted to think my response thru. It just made me feel nice for once to actually get that off my chest and hear something positive back. U really improved my day, thank you.
it’s strange how much easier it is to open up to strangers than to people we know. I’m so appreciative of this forum.
thanks again, u said some things I really needed to hear
Hi Gem_85 - welcome to beyond blue.
Some good advice from Nimi. I will only add a little...
I wonder if your parents know how you are feeling? Have you spoken to them about all of this? I would ask the same about your husband?
It can be tough, and you might not be ready and that is OK.
My mum was the first person I spoke to when thing turned bad for me. I still remember the first words I said. And we then worked out a plan of what I should do.
And now, with everything that is happening there is extra pressure on families and no obvious way out. My wife and son lost their jobs but my yin and yang mind says we will get through it and at the same time my mind goes in dark directions.
On failure ... that is something I constantly feel. My psychologist has a saying that it is a opportunity for learning. I keep telling myself that. And on the decisions you had made and the "what ifs" - these are things I think about also.This is something I have spoke with my psychologist about also. For me, even if I changed one decision "for the better" might have been worse or better for me and I have to accept what has happened.
Finally and I could be wrong, but perhaps the way your husband is reacting towards you might be his frustration and anger with what has happened? Regardless, I am here for you. And as Nimi said, it takes courage to come and write your story here. And sometimes being able to write here rather than keeping it inside you is helpful.
Peace and comfort to you,
Thanks for your response also, i'm so glad i joined, I've felt so overwhelmed with no one to talk to and it's good to hear other peoples perspectives.
i guess i would love to talk to my mum, i'm just so worried about disappointing my parents further. i think the issue with my husband is the root of the problem, he can be mean and i think i'd be able to cope with the whole failure thing if i wasn't always trying to keep him happy and making sure i don't upset him. we can sometimes get along well but anytime i try to talk about money, our relationship or how he treats me it just goes really bad, not like he abuses me, but just hurtful words. I do think the whole losing out house and money situation has made things a lot worse, when we had financial security we didn't have these things to argue about, but shouldn't we be able to help each other thru these things? not make us feel worse. i feel i cant talk to him at all as he would just become angry.
My sister left her husband in the last year and i think the thought of putting my parents thru that again is not worth it, they were so upset. I think it's easier for me to stay secretly miserable than burden them with something else. Maybe i should be like you and talk to my mum. i could, but it just seems like something i shouldn't be worrying my parents with right now.
Sorry, i dont know if i've made sense at all! I appreciate any advice though!
Financial pressures can add stress to a situation and so your husband reaction may be expected but I would certainly say not ideal. And you are right that you both should be able to talk about these matters without devolving into an argument and him using hurtful words. Do you frame your sentences in terms of "I" vs "You"? For example "I wish we could talk about..." vs "You alway get angry when we talk about...".
Talking your mum - if you see yourself as a failure then in talking you mum could be expressed in terms of disappointment. While I don't know anything about your family relations, I would hope your parents would not see you as a failure and (therefore) not as a disappointment. They might be sad for you, but not angry at you? When I told my mum what was happening to me my first words were "I can't do this anymore". That was how far I had fallen and together we worked out a plan. Another way of looking at it would be...
what would you tell a friend who told you this story?
Finally, it sounds from your post that you put everyone else ahead of yourself. Would this be a true statement? Sometimes we have to look after ourselves. Very last, you might be able to find a low cost or free counselling service to talk?
I’m sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds there’s a lot going on all at once. Have you tried writing down a bullet point list (for your eyes only) about what concerns you? Maybe that can help clarify your thoughts. Also have you and your husband ever considered or tried to see a relationship counsellor? Or maybe a financial planner to assist with your debt issues?
You are not alone!
My wife of 30 years also left me, simply because the marriage became an inconveniency after I retired. Like you, I also felt betrayed and used by the person I trusted the most in this world. There was no other man; there was no real reason, other than a lack of commitment that was beyond her capability.
Unfortunately, there are people (users) in this world that move on when it is convenient to them. They are opportunists with no sense of loyalty or belonging.
Unfortunately, I have no answers.
All the best