Feeling trapped

[PJJzippy]

Hi guys, im new to BB so please bear with me and my explanations.

I'm currently in a relationship that started off rocky about 6 years ago, breaking up twice and dating someone in the middle during a time of seperation, and lately have been feeling distant like ive completely removed myself from the relationship.

We did long distance for 4 years and that was a very rocky time and moved in together the end of 2017 and started out fine but right now im feeling over encumbered. My partner has never cheated or anything like that so she is not to blame but i am finding it hard to be physical and only able to handle being close for small periods of time.

Now me feeling like a jerk, i have had thoughts of other women which can really just set me into a place where i want to be left alone and if i am bothered i lash out. I am a bit of a loner, i like to do things by myself and im fine with that but i don't completely isolate myself and when she goes to visit her family i really enjoy the feeling of being alone again.

I was out recently having a few drinks with friends, nothing wild and i felt so light, happy and free to be out alone to the point I did not want to go back home. I do feel like a real jerk but i feel so trapped and held down. My partner is not a bad person, she is lovely, caring and overall a great person.

Am I the only one who goes through this?

I haven't really been "single" since i was 16 going from relationship to relationship with very little time in between.

[Jackson85]

Hi PJJzippy, thanks for sharing and welcome to the forums.

I definitely know the feeling of wanting to be alone, no matter how much I like other people, my batteries get recharged from being by myself. I think that's natural for a lot of introverted people, and totally normal, so if you feel that way in general, then don't fight the urge, just accept that you need your time, just like everyone else.

I guess what would be good to figure out was whether your craving for this alone time is because of a lack of attraction or connection with your partner, or if you're just that way naturally. As you spent so much of your relationship apart, it's understandable that suddenly living together would be an adjustment, however if this was over a year ago, you've probably got a good grasp on the nature of a cohabital (is that a word?) relationship.

Have you found in the past that you've had trouble being close partners or even close friends for longer than a short time? Does it feel to you as though this discomfort is specific to your current partner, or are you just not that touchy-feely (many people aren't)?

I think having thoughts of attraction to others is not unusual, and not unhealthy, however it's good to listen to how those thoughts run. If you think "that person is very attractive to me, but I'm satisfied in my relationship and am not interested in pursuing other options", then that is different to thinking "wow, being with that attractive person seems like a really desirable option to me, compared to what I have now with my partner". How your mind gives you these thoughts can offer great insight into how you feel about your partner.

I would say not to give yourself a hard time about wanting to be alone, or have time alone, but it might be good to try to figure out if this alone time is driven by not wanting to be around THIS partner, rather than just not wanting to be around people in general.

Feel free to keep the chat going,

Jackson85

[PJJzippy]

Hi Jackson85, thank you for taking the time to reply.

In the past I've been the complete opposite of what i am like now. Feels like I've done a complete 180 when it comes to relationships. My first relationship at 16 i was typically very affectionate and never shyed away from physical contact but when that one ended thats when things started to go haywire (found out i had been cheated on repeatedly).

The girlfriend after that got more affection from me but to the point i got super jealous at any guy looking at her and lashed out and pretty much ruined that. The next girlfriend went really well for a year and then we moved in together and the controlling and jealous habits returned and everything fell apart.

Now after her is when i started dating my current partner. At first there was a honeymoon stage and because everything was so new it was going well even after a couple of break ups. But i don't know what happened but my attitude started to switch once we began long distance. I craved touch and affection and being so far away it was hard for her to give that to me and admittedly i did start noticing other people and thinking about pursuing other options.

We stuck it out but at one instance it almost ended but for some reason it didn't and ever since that point i get waves of "maybe it should have ended there" or "have i been lying to myself and this awsome girl".

I feel as though i see myself in her when i got jealous easy and felt insecure and i know how that can break a person and i feel as though im the cause and distance myself in hopes she starts to find other options so she can be happy if we dont work out.

[Jackson85]

Hi PJJzippy,

Sorry I've taken so long to respond, I didn't mean to leave you hanging there!

You've offered some really insightful information here, I think you have a great grasp of introspection and trying to analyse who you are and why you've done things a certain way. That is super helpful in life as you can learn from yourself, and make progress in areas which many people find themselves floundering, like romantic relationships!

I totally understand the needy, jealous traits; when we are new to romantic love, we don't know how to handle it, and fear can often overwhelm our ability to reason or to simply enjoy the one we're with. Instead, we are so afraid we'll lose them, that we push them away with our jealousy! But we have to learn as we go, and it sounds like you have a great picture of how you do and don't want to be in your relationship.

I wonder, if you were to take a truth serum, and you were with your best friend, and you felt no fear or guilt or shame, and they asked you "Underneath, do you really see yourself with your partner? Are they who you're meant to be with?" What would you say? Would you hesitate within your mind? What if magically you were broken up, what would your first reaction be?
I'm not saying that you don't want to be with her, of course I am not involved at all, but I find that asking myself those questions can give clarity on how I feel underneath without all the fear and guilt muddying the waters.

Have you thought about chatting with a psychologist about this stuff? I've processed a lot of relationship troubles with my psychologists over the years, and it really helps me did down to understand my true desires.

Hang in there, and feel free to respond, I will be way quicker onto it this time!
Jackson85