Feeling stuck and worthless.

TMC · ‎22-06-2019

My quality of life seems to have been on a downward spiral for years, ever since a family crisis in 2013 I guess you could say. I don't remember the last time I felt like I was on track... the last time I felt content that I was heading in the right direction... or the last time I felt good about myself in general. Most people in my life are too busy to care, or make it known that they have issues larger than my own and they need to focus on themselves. I have tried reaching out but most people turn me away... they are too busy, I'm too needy, or they just don't care. I'm always questioning my self worth. I feel like no one values me, so why am I here? I try so hard to do the right thing by my family, friends and career, yet it seems every step I take is the wrong step. I just want to give up. I don't know what to do anymore...

smallwolf · ‎23-06-2019

Hi tmc,

welcome to beyond blue.

you are right about many things in your post - people being busy, some focus on themselves, not caring etc. You might find this in society at large.

But these are things you will not find in this space. Here the people focus on others, care and support each other, and are non-judgemental. the other thing is that your issues are no lesser than mine and vice versa. in the end, it does not really matter what it is/was that causes a question their self worth, or value in living, as when you get to that point, help and support is required. This i found out from another user on the forum who I thought issues were bigger than mine.

there are a few things you could do ...you could look at the K10 test on the beyond blue web site? have a chat with your GP? find a counsellor or psychologist in your local area?

ordinarily I would expand on the ideas above, but i have to head out very shortly for an assessment prac. Yeah, that makes me busy also. But perhaps one of the other users might elaborate on what I have said. And if not, I will later on in the day.

You are worthwhile and hope that you stick around this place to see this.

I am listening to you,

Tim

White_Rose · ‎23-06-2019

Dear TMC

Hello and welcome. Glad you found us.

Tim has posted some useful information including reasons why others do not always want to know. I believe it is not personal but common trait to be focussed on our own life and not 'see' others. This is where beyondblue is so good. Here you will find caring people who are willing to chat with you. We speak from our experience as we have no formal qualifications. I think this is good as we can help you understand what is happening because we have been there or somewhere similar.

Saying my issues are more important than yours is not helpful. Everyone who needs help should receive that help. Who knows how you would perceive someone else's problem. Everyone is worthwhile.

Can you tell us more about what is happening? I understand you feel worthless and uncared for and you have felt like this for about six years. That's a long time to carry this problem without help. Tim has suggested that you see your GP. I also have a suggestion. Being informed about yourself and why you feel this way is good. If you go to the top of this page you can explore the drop down options under The Facts.

There are a number of fact sheets you can download which explain depression and anxiety. You can also send for the booklets which cannot be downloaded. No charge. You will also find the K10 checklist that Tim mentioned. It's not a diagnostic tool, simply an indication of where you are. Take it when you see your GP. Doctors do find this useful as a starting point. You can complete the test several times at different times of the day. Our mood often changes as we go through the day.

Feeling lost and ignored is hard to bear. When you were happy/contented life was so much more pleasant. It's the same for all of us when we become depressed or similar. Knowing this we can validate your feelings and make suggestions based on our experiences. So please continue to post.

Mary

TMC · ‎26-06-2019

Thank you Mary and Tim for your replies.

I mainly feel like I can't catch a break from bad luck and negative situations. It all skyrocketed in 2013 when my parents split, eventually leading to divorce. My dad was the one who left, and it eventually came to light that he had been planning to leave for years and had already purchased a new home. He planned on taking my brother with him, but didn't want me. He told me he need wanted to leave us since I was 1, I was 19 when he left. I was left to pick up the pieces with my mother who was newly diagnosed with bipolar. She needed around the clock care, and I had to push aside any feeling I had to be there for her.

from there my dad had a string of girlfriends, he made no time to see me and eventually told me that he would no longer support me or have me in his life if I wasn't happy for him to be in relationships with women. He moved on so fast I hadn't even come to terms with the split. He was living a bachelor lifestyle before the divorce was finalised, meanwhile my mum was in a deep depression due to the failed marriage.

Eventually I managed to get into a financial situation where I could move out of home, and I expected this to lift some weight off my shoulders. Almost a month after moving out my dad was arrested. His court case spanned for over a year and then he went to prison. The details of his arrest I will keep private, but his crime was something I can never forgive. Not only did my dad break my heart by choosing a bachelor lifestyle over a relationship with his daughter, but then to go to prison for what he did.. I was a mess. His court case and incarceration has impacted my career, friend circle and confidence being in public.

Things with my parents have settled down now, but the pain still follows me. I have no contact with my dad anymore. I can't forgive him. My mum is getting good treatment and is much easier to be around, but I also hold resentment towards her for the years of abuse I had as a child. Growing up I had an abusive mother and brother. Both who have since been diagnosed with bipolar. I don't speak to my brother anymore either. Those years of my life have made me an anxious mess. I find it hard to trust people and I have regular anxiety attacks if anything is a surprise or not as I expected it to be.

I find it so hard to get out of a negative head space because there is so much negativity in my life. I have been through a lot, and it just keeps coming. When will I get a break?!

Hayds · ‎26-06-2019

I hear you & connect. I’m Haydn - 16yrs in recovery Bipolar MDD AOD clean: yet grief & loss is impacting me so hard.... I’m going numb; night after night..... lost

quirkywords · ‎26-06-2019

TMC

Thanks for your post explaining more about what you have been through.

I can understand how much the family crisis has affected you in so many ways. You have been through so much and I can see you would feel exhausted. having s your parents break up is very difficult but you also had other traumatic issues.

have you or are you seeing a psychologist or counsellor ?

You have been through such a lot and it would be hard to get out of that negative space that is by seeing someone who is trained to help you find a way out may help.

Thanks again for posting your story and feel free to keep,posting .

Quirky

Hayds,

I wrote you a reply on another thread about champions.

there is a thread This bipolar life, that you might find helpful for support and we are a friendly group. I understand that lost feeling and it is hard to explain to others.

Quirky

White_Rose · ‎26-06-2019

TMC

What a horrible set of circumstances to deal with. Please accept my admiration for caring for your mom when she was so unwell. I'm sure it was not easy. Then for dad to go to prison must have been devastating. These are hard circumstances. You most certainly do not need to say anything you prefer not to.

Like Quirky, I believe you will benefit by getting some help. Step one is making a long appointment with your GP. I expect you are not keen on this, no one is, but if your physical or mental health is at risk I do urge you to see your doctor. Medication is another issue. I hate taking it but after a long struggle I have finally been prescribed meds that help and do not have awful side effects. If the doc suggests it please consider it.

Love to hear from you again.

Mary