Feeling so low, affected by a breakup

kryssie85 · ‎28-02-2017

Hi there,

Long story short, I ended my first relationship since separating with the father of my children about 6 weeks ago, which was about 18 months in duration . I felt it was a really healthy decision to make as although the guy I was seeing cared about me, he was a heavy drinker and lost his licence several months ago for drink driving. I was easily led into drinking with him which I also tried to avoid as much as possible in case it interfered with my depression medication and other aspects of my life. He took it pretty hard when I ended it and I had to block him on social media and his number etc.I'll call him "J" in this post. I went on a date with a really nice guy two weeks ago which was fantastic! I'll call him "A". No pressure, just dinner and we really hit it off. A came over the next night to watch a movie and keep me company which was great, but J came over that night as well. I asked him to leave, he was remorseful and begging for me back, saying he was going to quit drinking. I said I'm sorry but its not healthy for me and I'm done. J came back several hours later when A was visiting, much to my embarrassment, with chocolates and a card. he then proceeded to leave me abusive voicemails which I deleted without bothering to listen to. In the whole month we'd been split he had no contact with me and he was verbally abusive when I left so this was unexpected.

Anyway... so him coming over obviously didn't look good to A. I'm not only embarrassed by the whole situation, but this lovely guy has taken a huge step back and distanced himself, which has made me really upset. I really don't know what to do. Any help would be appreciated.

romantic_thi3f · ‎28-02-2017

Hi Kryssie85,

Thanks for your post.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation; it sounds like it's been difficult but I'm really happy that A has been supportive and understanding.

I'm also really glad (and proud?) that you were able to hold your ground when J came back. Even though it sounds like J was a nice guy it sounds like you were aware that his drinking and unhealthy lifestyle wasn't a good match for you. I can also imagine what a shock it must have been especially with being kind one day with chocolates and yet abusive messages the next. I'm also assuming from your post that even if J did quit drinking that wouldn't change your feelings towards him.

I think that if I were in your situation I would want J to understand exactly how I did feel so that it was clear. I'm guessing that if he came up out of the blue the surprise of seeing him would have outweighed trying to get the message across that 'no, I'm no longer interested even if you did quit drinking'. If this wasn't clear, maybe trying to arrange a quick meeting or a phone call. I suggest a meeting because it can help feel more final and you can be really clear on your boundaries and making sure the message is read loud and clear.

If you felt that you were likely to be abused, then you could bring a friend with you and meet in a public place; or emphasise that if he kept contacting you there would be consequences.

I think A has been really supportive in taking a step back and if it were me I would want to keep him in the loop (minimal but necessary details) so that there was no confusion on his side.

Ultimately as confusing and embarrassing as it is, I believe that if you are clear and honest things should hopefully resolve quickly.

geoff · ‎28-02-2017

hi Kryssie, firstly can I say that J will promise the world to you and say he will stop drinking and if you do get back then he will only renege and start drinking again, it's no different than a husband who keeps abusing his wife/partner, he too promises her with flowers and chocolotes that he won't hit her again, it's OK for a few days but it happens again, the same will happen to J, you can not trust him in any way.
It seems as though you want A but if J keeps on turning up on your doorstep and you don't want him then you have to take out an AVO against him, and if he breaks this order then the police will be called and he will be taken to court, however this is something that you may fear knowing that he will retaliate in anger, but the police won't let this happen, so if you want to change address, sim card and/or landline phone number then this has to be done, but please tell A that you want to keep seeing him, if he understands and is falling in love with you then he and you can get on with a r/ship you both wanted. Geoff. x

kryssie85 · ‎28-02-2017

Thankyou. I agree with the drinking as I first voiced my concerns about it last year before he lost his licence. The drinking increased after that as well which I thought was really bad. Only thing is A is not really talking to me now which is upsetting. I dont know if he thinks that J and I were still together at the time (which we weren't). I've definitely decided if he shows up again to contact the police as he has been told not to come by again. Prior to when he came around when A was there I very firmly but nicely told him there was no chance of rekindling the relationship. I feel like it's all been ruined now, and it was such a huge thing to put myself out there again that I feel very discouraged about doing so again.