Feeling so lonely

[Elizabeth Louise]

Hi Everyone,

Been separated from my husband of 16 Yeats for 6 months now. He left me, we both share the children 50/50.

I miss him, we talk regularly, interactions are more positive now, I realy want to save my marriage but I'm afraid that he is too scared to try again. His main reason for separating was high conflict. I think it was just stress and he burnt out with so many changes in life that we were dealing with. I really believe things would be different if we try again. 

I feel so alone in the world, my friends & family are all so busy and I feel like I  don't fit in with my family anymore. 

I keep trying to make plans with people on the weekends when I don't have the kids but i keep getting rejected

I try to keep busy with work, and I try to do activities that I enjoy but I still feel so alone.  I enjoy talking to him on the phone and having that connection/companionship. I don't have that with anyone else. He has a close friend that he speaks with daily. I don't really have anyone like that other than him. It's not the same with my family. 

I miss my husband so much.

Therapists have told me that I need to move on and let him go. I still have hope that things might change over the next 5-6momths.

We co parent without any issues and are working like a team when it comes to the children.

I still can't believe he left. I still wake up in shock some days.

He's not seeing anyone else and the thought of him seeing someone if we were to Divorce eventually make me terribly sad.

I never felt lonely ever in my life until now. I used to want to run away from connecting with people because I was always so stressed. Now I crave for connection.

I would really love to hear some good stories where people have reconciled after separation. 

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeth Louise~

Welcome back. I'm sad to read you are so lonely and wish things were as they used to be.

Please excuse me for being blunt, I think you deserve truth. For the last 18 months things have not been good, and you have been served with divorce papers. On top of that he left you, and has had changes in medications that may well have changed his outlook. He has also threatened to take the children away and (excuse me if I misunderstood) the house has been sold. He is also unhappy wiht your sister and family.

Now things seem to have settled down, and you are cooperating as a team with the children and you even are talking amicably on the phone. He also has a friend to give him support, which may help. You both seem to have reached a manageable stage

While it is not impossible to get back toghter -sometimes others have- I have to say it does not look all that promising.  Being able to cooperate and talk does not necessarily lead to a reconciliation - no matter how much you might want it. His life may have changed.

May I ask how much you have talked about this with him? Told him how you feel and asked him how he feels? I would imagine that might be the deciding factor.

One other thing occurs to me. Throughout the past months you have painted a picture of a person who is difficult to live with, holds grudges and blows up small matters out of proportion. Do you think it is the real  him you miss or is straight loneliness coloring your wishes?

My apologies for being frank, if you disagree or I've got anything wrong sing out.

I do hope we can talk some more, I can see how difficult life is for you right now

Croix

[Elizabeth Louise]

Hi Croix,

Thanks so much for your response and for being frank. 

He's emotions have definitely settled.

I do miss the good times mostly before the past 2 years. I did accept him for who he was, short tempered an all and he does have some great qualities, very caring, thoughtful & generous. The holding grudges was something new or maybe I just didn't see before but I really struggled with it.

Perhaps I forget the stressful hard times and tend to reflect on happy moments. But maybe I do miss the real him. He just wasn't himself lately.

I do feel like there's this massive gapping hole in my life. I gave half my life to him, made so many sacrifices. There's just so much history there and it's so unfair that I have to let it all go just because he got a bit stressed and overwhelmed with life. 

I have tried to tell him how I felt through a letter I wrote. But he didn't really say anything. He said he doesn't miss the stress. But I asked if he missed other thing's and he said definitely. 

1. I have 5 months until he can send through Divorce papers again (they previously got cancelled as we weren't separated for 12mths yet). I'm hoping things will improve even further and he would want to go out on a date one night just the two of us. We really just needed more quality time together without the kids, away from work and cleaning and stress. But thank you for stating being able to cooperate and talk does not necessarily lead to a reconciliation. I guess only time will tell. I'll know for sure in the next 5 months. I know if I'm served Divorce papers by November I'll have no choice but to accept it and move on. Until then I'd love to stay hopeful. I have nothing else to loose.

EL

[Juliet_84]

Hi Elizabeth Louise,

I think we all tend to gloss over the negatives and view our recent exes in a most favorable light (usually rose!), preferring to remember the good times and forget or minimize the bad. Loneliness also plays a big part, we are lonely and they are the person who knows us best so we reach out for them. But if things were working well and everyone was happy, you wouldn’t be in this situation. And I suppose you can continue to keep yourself in this holding pattern of hoping that you will get back together or you can begin to move on with your life and open yourself up to what is meant for you (eventually, there’s no rush for that!). At the very least it will help you to develop some interests and get you out of your head for a bit so that you don’t dwell on your current situation. I’m sorry, I know this is really hard and this isn’t where you wanted to be, and you are entitled to grieve and lament the life you thought you would have. Just don’t get stuck in an indefinite holding pattern, I’d hate for you to waste away your life waiting on someone else. 

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeth Louise~

It is very understandable you would like things to be as you remember them, it would indeed be great. The trouble is you are placing all your emotions on just one thing - reconciliation.  You say yourself

"Until then I'd love to stay hopeful. I have nothing else to loose."

I'm afraid I am not so sure about that. Putting yourself in a 'holding pattern' as Juliet_84 says is indeed a loss, a loss of time, life and other opportunities. Even if you were back together, I doubt it could ever be the same. Once you have been left and divorce proceedings attempted (even if they did not go though) that has to change your feelings of security and being loved - no matter how you might wish otherwise.

You can't 'fix' a relationship by yourself, it takes two, and if you plan greater efforts to keep him on the right meds, deal wiht grudges and bad temper they may well not  be any more effective than they were before.

So while you are waiting those 5 months and spend time trying to encouraging togetherness do you think there would be anything wrong in looking to other areas of your life as well? It may be you will start to grow in new directions, see other opportunities, be able to step back a little from the closed loop of hope you appear in at the moment and build up your ability to deal with things if they do not go as you would wish. At the moment I think you would be really unhappy and at a loss.

I appreciate the way you have listened to views of others that you might not agree with or even want to hear, perhaps that is the start of broadening your life.

I hope you continue to feel like talking, as I said before, your are not alone and are always welcome

Croix

[Ash-H]

My denial bubble burst today. I like you was hoping for reconciliation but have finally realised after 9 months of separation that my wife is not coming back. We have the unfortunate position of only marrying in October 2022

looking for success stories of reconciliation may be dangerous for you and in the end hurt you more. I only say that as Im the same. Im looking for success stories to give me hope when hope isn’t there. 

hope can be soul destroying so you and I we gotta tread lightly when seeking it. 

im wishing you all the best regardless of the outcome. 

[Tomsgone]

I am on my second reconciliation with the same woman.

If both parties want it, are willing to change/compromise/work, and feel like they are still in love, even then it is damn near impossible. 

Spending more time/effort/money on something which seems to be broken is often disheartening at best, and downright miserable at its worst. 

How much can you take? How much stress and pain can you tolerate? 

[Croix]

Dear Tom~

You have a great deal of love in you to take such measures to please your kids and look after them by going home - and going to father's day.

I've been reading you posts in your original thread and I'm sure those interactions with  your psychs are an excellent move but until matters change you are going to have your views of the world 'restricted'.

In fact it was only though meds and therapy I improved and came to feel there was hope things could get better. Before then my depression narrowed down my view of the world until all I could see was hopeless - and of course basically my inadequacy/fault. I too cried.

I'm glad to say I did not know everything I thought I did and now am in an enjoyable place with satisfaction - and love. Things can change, even if you think they can't.

The reason I"m saying all this is becuse you said :

Spending more time/effort/money on something which seems to be broken

Which is your perception of things right now. If they are actually broken I would not know, however the news you are both trying to get back together is itself hopeful.  There must be something attractive in your makeup for your partner to agree to try again.

I don't know the answer as to how much time/effort/money one puts in except in any relationship both parties need to see this as a means of looking after the other one  fueled by affection, not just doing what is necessary to get the reconciliation back on track.

Mind you , at my worst I did not know who I loved or felt affection for, or if I was even capable of those emotions. Now as I said they are back.

I'm not sure that is well explained, do you get what I mean?

Croix