Feeling lost

[fj_1980]

Hi, let me try again, my last one was to long.

  I've got a long story to tell but not enough characters to do it in so i'll do my best to summarise.

Im nearly 35, on my 2nd marriage, and third serious relationship. The first was my high school GF 5yrs, then my first wife 7 1/2yrs with a now 10yr old son and now my current wife 4yrs and a 7 month old son.

 I really started my life again at when i met my current wife. After two horrible relationships with people who i now wonder what a saw in them my wife showed my that i could have the relationship i'd always dreamed of. We get along great, and i love her to bits, she has been very supportive.

My trouble is i feel down all the time, in spite of the fact that my marriage is good i feel lost, unhappy, lack motivation and struggle finding energy to do everyday things. 

My wife has been with more sexual partners than i have and i feel jealous of this, i feel i've wasted my life and have alot of regret. I sometimes get visual images of her with these men and get sick feeling like she has cheated. I stress about her comparing me to them like i dont make the cut. I feel stupid because we both have a past, it shouldnt bother me. She is good and talks through it.

There are issues with my ex and my son, she brainwashes him.

Work is hard and i keep getting knocked back on opportunities to try other fields.

Matt

[PatT]

Hi Matt,

Good stuff for seeking some help and coming to Beyondblue. Firstly you shouldn't blame yourself for the way you feel. Just because somebody is in a seemingly healthy relationship it doesn't mean that they can't suffer from mental illness. Jealousy is a perfectly common phenomenon. I've had many more sexual partners than my current partner and she's extremely jealous of this. Sometimes I tire of having to placate her worries but I know that it's natural for most people and it doesn't make me worry. I'm sure that the jealousy you're feeling at the moment is really fuelled by the depression you're experiencing so reducing that would likely help with the jealousy issues.

Have you tried seeking out any professional help? I think that speaking to someone with some qualification in psychiatry would really help you begin to start addressing your issues. As for the issues with your ex wife - what do you mean she brainwashes him? If you believe it's really serious I think you should be speaking to child services or at least try to get her together for family mediation counselling.

All the best,,

Pat.

[fj_1980]

Hi Pat, thanks for your reply.

I think largely im jealous of the experiences i missed out on while i wasted time with people who i dont believe now deserved it.

My ex wife is an expert at manipulating things to suit her but in a way that you cant prove it. She has been in my sons ear. He doesnt say much and When we try to talk to him he clams up. I never really had a relationship with him when we were together because anything i'd do she would just take over. If i was trying to discipline him she'd tell me to stop and back him. I really started from scratch when we split up beca use i had him on my own i could do things my way. My new wife and i have a baby and we make sure we include him when he comes to stay. There have been long periods of time where he refuses to come and i get no support from her in getting him to. 

[Mike_101]

Hi Matt

Do you think you feel jealous that your wife has been with more sexual partners than you have, or that she has just been with previous guys? In that I mean would you feel more comfortable if you had more sexual partners than she has had, or do you just keep thinking of what her prior partners were like?

The first issue shouldn't be a trophy competition - it doesn't matter if your wife has had 10 partners and you 3, all that matters is she chose you over them. She wanted you as her husband regardless of her previous partners. Secondly, in regards to comparisons - we all make comparisons - you compared your current wife to your previous relationships in a positive manner and I'm sure your wife compares you to her previous relationships in a positive manner - since you said you both get along great. If you're upset that you didn't have kinky sex or something when you were younger, then maybe this can be incorporated with your wife. Try not to think of past sexual exploits as a competition - if she ate more slices of toast in the past than you have would you care? I hope not 😉

While you say you have regrets in the past, maybe you should look more to the future. While your ex might talk negative about you to your older son there is nothing you can do to change that. Some people are just ill-willed or perceive situations from one perspective. The only thing you can do is just try to be the best father you can be to both your sons and let them decide for themselves how their father is. Maybe not today or tomorrow (in regards to your older boy) but in the long run he will either agree with what his mother says or disagree with what she says simply based on his interactions with you. Unfortunately you can't change what your exwife says to your son - you can only prove her wrong by your current and future actions.

Back to your current problem of regrets - we all have regrets from our past, but currently you have a new born son and a wife, in essence a family, which you said you always dreamed of - try to concentrate on those positives and less on the regrets.

Kind regards
Mike

[fj_1980]

Hi Mike,

Thanks for taking the time to reply. In all honesty I think its that she has had those experiences and I missed out because instead of sowing my wild oats | was tied up with people that didn't deserve my time. When I talk to her she says she was on the hunt for Mr Right, its not like she went to the pub every weekend and picked up different guys or anything like that. I do get what you are saying and I try and tell myself that however the negative thoughts seem to continue to work their way in. I guess it all takes time. I don't see it so much as a trophy competition, we have a great sex life. I guess that is what frustrates me the most, in reality I know it isn't true but my brain still seems hell bent on torturing me with these thoughts, and no matter how many times I tell myself things similar to what you have said they still creep in. The tend to bother me more when im low and I guess more vulnerable. If i'd had more partners than her, then maybe i'd care a lot less how many she'd had, I don't know. I do know that when I was single my friends tried to get me to pick up at the pub and have one night stands and it just isn't me. Which frustrates me even more, why does it bother me so much when even given the opportunity I still didn't want to do it?

In terms of my son, this is only a small factor in my mood, it used to get to me a lot but I've grown to realize that I just play my game and let her do what she wants and as you say he'll make his own mind up. I guess the last 7 months since he new bub has come along she has been telling him all sorts and we have taken a massive step backwards and it has just worn me down.

I know I need to focus on the future, you only get a sore neck looking back, but its just hard, I seem plagued by these thoughts when all I want to do is enjoy the relationship, family and future I spent so long dreaming of having.

Matt

[fj_1980]

Hi Mike, I did sit down last night and type and post a reply but it hasn't popped up, not sure why, but thanks for the reply.

I don't so much see it as a trophy competition, I know in the end she chose me over them and its the biggest compliment and really all that matters. I know that its not about comparisons. I consider myself a very logical person, which I guess is my biggest frustration. I know that the past is the past, it got us where we are today, I know that those guys are in the past and ultimately she stopped at me and chose to stay. Its because of this that I don't understand why my brain still choses to fixate on it, it really gets me down some days. My wife has said most of the things that I have been said on here and I know it to be true, I just cant seem to convince my brain.

When it comes to my ex I think that last few months has really worn me down. For some time there we were making progress and all of a sudden he went from waving to us as her car pulled into the meeting place back to hanging on to her for grim death and balling his eyes out not wanting to get into our car. Nothing has changed, in the way we interact with him or what he does when he is here. I know I just need to keep running my race and let him make his own mind up when he is ready.

In the mean time I am trying to focus on the positives in my life and put the negatives and the past behind me. Im finding that hard because my brain just goes way off track without warning. One minute I am happy and the next im thinking about something that I regret or hate. Im working on getting my mind back to the positive more quickly, the last few weeks have just been hard, for no apparent reason what so ever.

Matt