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Feeling lost and lonely

Community Member

Hi All, this is my first time posting and I guess I just need to let some things out. So to start off I am married with two young kids. My marriage has been on the downward spiral for many years now and we just keep trying. I know I haven't been the best wife and I also learnt that my husband had been cheating on me (sending nudes and messaging other women) back in January 2020. I also have a very close male friend and the friendship has always been more than just platonic. We both know we like each other and things have been physical. I have been wanting to leave my husband but I cant seem to work up the courage to tell him as I know it will hurt him and other people around us (being Asian there is a lot of pressure from parents etc). So recently my close friend has told me that he cant keep seeing me as I am still not a free woman and that it has started to affect him by making him a bit resentful. What he wants is a proper relationship with me. He's told me that he will wait for me until the end of this year for me to be available. This has left me feeling very alone and lost. My friend was someone I would message everyday and talk to about all I am feeling. I feel like I have lost my biggest support and this has motivated me to finally be honest and leave my husband. The issue I am having is that there is a lot of guilt. I haven't told my husband yet and I really don't know how to as I have never broken up or left someone. Also my other close friends haven't been there for me and I guess I'm just seeking someone to talk to and to help give me strength. Any advice or a chat would be helpful. I know I've done wrong and I'm definitely no angel. I just want to be happy and to live my life freely.

3 Replies 3

Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi and welcome to beyond blue.

your desire to be happy is something I think that everyone looks for in life.There are no right or wrong answers. And if you decided to leave you have to consider your kids as well. How does your friend relate to your kids?

Also... it sound like your friend is meeting your emotional needs more than your husband. You said that you both had tried. What you were not getting from your husband... was that communicated to him? Have you been able to speak to anyone about your situation and what options there are?

There are other stories in the forums similar to yours. For example....


Sometimes we know the solution to our problems and scared to accept that. While I cannot tell you what to do, if you want to use me as a sounding board... please reply and type away. This is a safe and non-judgemental space.


Hi Tim,

You are definitely right about a lot of things. I guess I'm at a point in my life where I know I wouldn't let anyone in just yet and therefore the kids are a no go zone for anyone new in my life until I think the time is right. My friend does not want kids and isn't particularly fond of kids but he is very aware of how my kids will always come number one and he has stuck around for nearly 8 years.

For the past 6 years I have always been pretty outspoken about my needs and these needs have been pretty basic. I just wanted him mentally present. He plays a lot of games on his phone or computer and is hardly ever way from his phone. Also I work fulltime and care for the kids 95% of the time. For many years I wasn't appreciated for the hardwork I put in and he would always complain about my spending even though I would never spend any of his money. I guess as time went on these issues were never resolved and has resulted in a lot of resentment. This has led to the love being nonexistent and I know I can't feel those things for him anymore. I've tried but it all feels wrong.

You are spot on about knowing the solution but fearing the uproar and pain it will cause others!

Thank you for hitting the nail on the head with you reply. I really appreciate someone just getting it. I don't have many people I can talk to. I guess the people close to me know everything already and I have been fed up with it all so I feel alone. Also not having my friend around has made this really hard for me as I no longer have someone to brighten up my days. He was someone I would message everyday and all day so I feel lost now.

Thank you Tim!

Community Member

Hi SoyLatte

Unfortunately, there is going to be no pain free of ending your marriage. I’m assuming you no longer love your husband and you have emotionally accepted the fact that your marriage is over. If that is the case, you owe it to your husband to have that difficult conversation. There really is no alternative.

I am wondering though, is your husband aware of your unhappiness? Does he realise his marriage is collapsing? If he does know, does he care? Do you know what he wants for his future? I ask this only because I have seen so many marriages end and one of the partners is blindsided, not given a chance to reform.

If there is no chance of saving the marriage I suggest you do the following. Visit a solicitor by yourself, and establish what formal separation for you looks like. There will be property and children to consider. Consider alternative accommodation options. Just taking these practical steps even if you don’t act upon them, can give you strength.

As for your boyfriend, my advice would be to leave him out of the picture if you separate. If a spouse feels they have been deceived, it will make emotions run hot and an amicable end to the marriage nearly impossible. If after separation, you wish to build a new life with your friend, well that’s entirely up to you but having him in the picture through this difficult period will likely make life worse for you.

I wish you good luck.