Feeling lost and empty after a break up

[dani11]

I was married for 7 years, we have 2 children together & he left me during the 2nd pregnancy for the firat time so he could pursue female friends, going out to clubs, lots of socialising and in general acting like he was a bachelor. After the 2nd was born he had moved out and was renting his own place but we had continued an on/off relationship for the last 2 years in my pathetic desperate attempt to keep our faimly together. In these last 2 years we have had some very good times but many bad times, lots of fighting and he had always refused to go public with us being back together and refused to come home to live with us. Just recently he has told me we are finished for good. He doesnt want to prolong the pain of being together. He has no feeling for me anymore...

And I am left guttered and raw. I wish I could forced myself to move on, I should have moved on 2 years ago but im too pathetic to do so. Im made to feel im a narcist and I pushed him away. I dont know what to believe. I just want to cut him out of my brain and heart so I can stop thinking of him and hurting over him. This has seriously affected our kids. He doesnt see the little one at he moment cos I cant bare to be around him, see him or talk to him. I know its horrible to keel kids from a parent but its the only way I know how to cope. I just cant be near him. I feel like im loosing my mind. All the shit we have been through is hard enough and now a nasty finalised break up feels like its killing me. All ive wanted was to feel loved, wanted, to not be alone & to have a partner to have kids with & grow old with but ive failed 😟😟😟

Why was I not good enough and how do I let go????? I have NO social network, no friends only a handful of family who are sick of hearing my woes. I just feel useless.

[GoodWitch]

Dani

I feel the despair and pain in your words and just wanted to respond. First of all, you're not useless or pathetic. It seems to me negative self talk has gotten into your brain and this can be hard to shake, so I hope you believe that. It is not pathetic at all to want to keep your family together. That's what a good parent does. It's also not sad that you have continued an on again/off again thing with your partner. You clearly love him and it's very hard to disengage from that, even when the other person may be behaving in a way that isn't nice.

So onto that: from what you've said your husband is the one who left the marriage so he could pursue his own interests and have fun instead of taking care of his responsibilities. A night out here and there is fine when you have small kids but no parent should be out and about all the time leaving their kids at home so they can drink and hook up with other people (if he's doing that). Mum or dad it's not okay. Is he the one who called you a narcissist? Because it sounds (from this alone so admittedly not enough information probably) like he's the one thinking only of himself i.e. being a narcissist (and so you know, it's so like a narcissist to accuse someone else of narcissism...they tend to mess with your head that way). You sound very emotionally invested in this relationship and in keeping things together for your children. Those are the actions of a caring person with a big heart who has a lot to offer. Unfortunately you may have given your heart to someone who didn't deserve it, which is bad luck, not your fault.

And lastly the end of a marriage is rarely if ever down to the failure of one person. In this case it's definitely not all on you. You're not a failure, or pathetic or useless or any of those things. You're a person who has been let down by someone else and is hurting. You're not alone there.

Can you find a counsellor to talk to? Or even a doctor to start with and they can refer you to someone? Do you live somewhere that has a mother's group or a separated parents support group that might help? If you're not ready for that keep posting here for now. You'll find a lot of support and encouragement. Remember you are a worthwhile person, tell yourself that every day and take it from there.

Best

GW

[dani11]

Thank you for replying. I really apreciate your advice and knowledge.. yes he calls me a narcassist. He blames me for EVERYTHING. He says I never loved him or trusted him. How wrong he is.. ive never loved anyone as much as I did him, after all we got married and had children together. I was told he was cheating on me with his co worker 2 years ago when I was pregnant (another coworker told me) and he flat out denied anything going on and still does. I dont know what to think. He refused to cut that woman out of his life and said hed rather get divorced than loose the friendship of that woman who he called at the time his best friend. Time has moved on and she now lives in another state and he barely speaks to her these days but its always been an argument point about trust and loyalty. I kept saying how can you choose her over me, if anything it was an emotional affair at the time. He told her everything that was going wrong with his marriage. I was no longer the special one person in his life. At this very point when i was pregnant and he left the first time he also was given a big inheratence and I thought wed be using some to put a deposit on a house. But instead he left and bought cars, a motorbike, went out every night and didnt spend a cent on his own kid or his pregnant wife.

Every man ive ever been has cheated on me or abused me. I thought he was different but he wasnt. I feel very manipulated by him but also like it is my fault as im so broken inside from past life experiances that our relationship was always going to be doomed.

I know ive got to let go. Its just ive always struggled with 'moving on'

I havnt moved on from childhood abuse.. bullying.. cheated failed relationships and now this..

I know. I need to seek professional help..

[GoodWitch]

You know your own feelings. When he tells you how much you do or don't love him, he's trying to say he knows more about how you feel than you do, which he can't possibly. But it does make you doubt yourself and your own emotions, I get that. But you're right that is manipulation. Just try and remind yourself that only you know the truth of what you've done/felt.

He should have cut ties with that other woman when you asked. And when you're married that means inheritances like the one he received are joint property, but he spent it all on himself and then tried to tell you it was because you didn't love him enough? Not cool.

professional help sounds like a good idea. you need to sort through your issues so you understand why you've fallen into this pattern. I'm no psychologist but it sound like your past bad experiences have lead to low-self esteem, a feeling like you deserve to be abused--that becomes a self-fulfilling thing. People who want to abuse someone often find someone who secretly thinks they deserve it.

You don't. Nobody does. I'm sorry about all this but maybe the silver lining is that you can recognise what's going on and hopefully get out of this pattern of bad relationships. If money is an issue ring the Beyond Blue hotline and I'm sure they can hook you up with free or cheap counselling services. Relationships Australia also have numbers you can call. Also if you tell your doctor you are depressed and need counselling, they can write a letter that gives you cheaper counselling, up to 10 sessions per year (money back from medicare). There is help out there and it takes some strength to ask for it, but once you do, things will start to get better.

Good luck

GW