Feeling lost after relationship is over

[Sydney78]

This year has been totally exhausting.

After a 3 and a half year relationship (which was difficult in many ways) I tried to end it properly and move on but my ex has kept up contact this whole year and pulled me back then pushed me away constantly. More recently he pulled me way back in after a very long emotional in person talk we had. He expressed his feelings were still strong for me, made it seem like he wanted us to try to fix everything. This deep communication led to us being intimate again a few times...a day later I’m shown that he’s active on a dating site... There’s been other signs he’s definitely done along the way this year but I definitely didn’t want to believe it or feel it.

After a long, exhausting year of the push and pull from him I’m constantly anxious, still missing what we had, finding it hard to believe that he was such a deceptive and unstable man, and that the connection I felt with him perhaps wasn’t real.

Our relationship has led to me having chronic fatigue and major anxiety and depression. It’s affected me so much that I haven’t been able to work and barely eat.

I’m an empath and give way too much of myself in a relationship. He definitely took all of my good energy and how I am now is nowhere near who I used to be.

I guess I’m on here to look to others who’ve been through this intense level of heartbreak. What helped you ease the panic? What helped you get over your ex? What helped on a daily/ hourly level?

I’ve known for a long time that he’s not good for me and that I deserve better, now I’m just trying to shake this feeling of rejection, abandonment, fear, hurt, sadness...

I have been doing a lot of reading around attachment, cutting cords etc. I’m also trying meditation and staying active when I can.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Sydney78,

Welcome to our wonderful forums. We are so glad you have taken the brave step in reaching out here and sharing your experience with us. We can hear you are feeling lost and rejected due to the ending of a turbulent relationship that went on for over three years. It is understandable that you are feeling so many different emotions and that you don't have clarity on what has happened and second-guessing the connection you felt in that relationship. Sometimes people act contrary to how they feel about someone because of their own unresolved issues and it can be extremely confusing (and damaging). We are so sorry you are going through this difficult time. It sounds like you have some great self-care practices including meditation and now by reaching out here, you are connecting with others who have gone through similar experiences. Well done for all that you are doing for yourself.

We hope you will get some great input from other community members who will be able to relate to what you are experiencing. You can also look at this pinned thread titled Understanding Feelings of Rejection as a way to untangle the challenging emotions that come after a break up.

You are also always welcome to talk to a friendly counselor at our Support Service at 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport to get some extra support.

Please do keep posting here to let us know how you are doing, whenever you are up to it.
 

[Guest_3256]

Hi Sydney78.

I am speaking here from experience and I recently ended my relationship due to the very poor nature of the push/pull cycle. I want you to know that their actions are not a reflection of who you are, it is of cause a reflection of their inappropriate bad behaviour. People who play games are toxic, you cannot fix them if they don't love themselves or you cannot fix a toxic person who cannot fix themselves. That's a given.

The person maybe online because you are a source of supply. If you are not an adequate option, they search for someone else and keep their options open. In other words, they are not committed and what will confirm this is if they are simply not committed to other things in their life. If one has difficulties committing to their own life, how will they be able to commit to someone else. These types of people don't actually really know what they want, that's why they fall into their own predicament.

What ever you decide to do, make some clear choices about what you want in a health relationship and ask yourself if this person will motivate you to achieve success, will they make you their #1 priority, do they bring out the best in you, are they willing to sacrifice themselves for your happiness. Only you can make the decision.

You are doing the things that help support you so please keep putting yourself first, this is just part of the journey. Please stay strong, you are a great person and you deserve everything you want.

: )

[geoff]

Hello Sydney, Jsua has made some great comments and what your friend has done to change himself may on the surface be to your liking but deep down be unsure of how he will react in situations that are leaning towards you and whether he withdraws because of this.

This or any relationship has to suit both of you, but more specifically how you feel and what you want because if you live what he wants all the time, then it becomes toxic.

What maybe holding you are any positive thoughts, but when you think about what may or normally happens after these have finished, then you realise that it's just a warning sign.

Remember you go to a shop to buy what you want, not what you don't, take this as a general ruling.

Take care.

Geoff.