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Feeling like there's no way out

Community Member

My best friend and I have been going through issues for a year to understand the issue you need to understand the complexity so there will be a fair bit of backstory.

The start of 2021 we realised we wanted to be more then friends but my history made me very nervous to do so. (Most of my exes have cheated but my ex did while I lived in his house and that was a whole new betrayal of trust). I had been single two years due to this. My best friend would constantly be the person next to me telling me how amazing I was and how I deserved better. so when I eventually decided to enter a relationship it was mid feb and we started dating on valentines day. His always had strict girlfriends but I've always prided myself in the fact that I'm not the girl who has to check their partners phone or doesn't let him talk to girls cause that's just not who I am. After 2 months I went on his phone and saw he was on OF so I went open his account to look at girls and saw that he was talking to many a people on there. this immediately brought back all my insecurity around the issue. I understand that its a bit of a grey area and I get that so we talked about it and decided it was better he didn't for the time being and as my anxiety settles we could have another conversation about it. Time past and I was letting him talk to them again cause quite honestly it didn't bother me as much cause I was still getting a lot of attention. As things progressed there were consistent arguments due to them always getting more attention then me. if I wasn't next to him it wasn't worth his time. It progressed to a point where we eventually agreed its just gonna be easier without him talking to other people. He proceeded to do this so I drew a line in the sand saying we are just friends but if he was to want more in the future I would need to see self control. This has been were we have been at for the last 6 months. He is now at a point where he doesn't do the wrong thing but also to him thats enough but to me it isn't. He doesn't ask if I'm okay, he doesn't care how I feel most our conversations start with me being upset but cause he feels bad I'm always cheering him up and none of my problems are being solved. Ive told him a few times now I am literally on the edge of a mental break all the time it is driving me insane. But he also comes from a family that didnt teach him to care about anyone or how to clean or care for people. Ive done so much to help him so I can't just bail on him now.

7 Replies 7

Hey AccidentallyUncontrolled,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your openness. It sounds like you're not getting the support you want from your partner, and that must be really hard. 

We would recommend having a look at the Kids Helpline pages on Relationships. They have some really good advice on  You could also reach out to Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 or webchat, they’ll be really good to talk to about this.

Thanks again for sharing this. Hopefully some of our lovely community members will spot it here soon enough, and they may have some really helpful understanding or advice for you.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

Community Champion
Community Champion

Hey AccidentallyUncontrolled,

Thank you for sharing your feelings, what you're going through sounds very exhausting and distressing.

It can be very hard to enter into new relationships and to let other individuals see the most vulnerable sides of ourselves, especially when past partners have taken advantage of that and broken trust. It is very good that you can acknowledge that you had some initial reluctance to enter into a relationship with your best friend as a result of the experiences that you have been through.

It sounds as though you tried your best to navigate through a very hard situation and to understand and share your boundaries with your partner. It also however, appears as though your needs aren't being met by your partner but instead, his needs and feelings are being prioritised. This is by no means a reflection of what you are deserving of but rather, a reflection of what he is able and willing to give. There are many reasons as to why others aren't able or willing to meet your needs and whilst it might not make it okay, do you think that asking him why he is struggling with doing so and how he is willing to improve it may be helpful in navigating this situation? Often, acknowledgement of an issue is a great start and can guide future reflection and action.

It might also be worth asking yourself this question: What do you need him to change to be able to continue in your relationship? It is difficult to let go of somebody that you deeply care about, especially when you have dedicated so much time to care and love this individual. Will this outweigh the difficulty of continuing a relationship where your needs and feelings might continue to not be acknowledged?

Please take care and remember that your feelings are valid and important. If you are ever feeling stuck or find yourself struggling even further, this space is always open for you.

All the best x

Community Member

This sounds exhausting for you. And if things are like this without kids involved it will only get worse. Find someone who spends the time to put you first, but also knows their worth. Someone who wants to be a team and never make you question who the priority is.

It's hard, but sometimes letting go of someone is the best move forward.

Community Member

Was the OF girls content explicit or was it a friendship thing? There is an important distinction between those two things.

If they are friendships then if he makes sure to reassure you and spend time with you then I see no problem with it. If it is explicit in nature then there is a problem.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello AccidentlyUncontrolled, a difficult situation, when you can cheer him up but he doesn't do this with you, and it's sad he only thinks of himself.

I know this thread is sometime ago, but hope you are still checking it out.

A relationship will suffer when one person only cares about themselves because problems can never be addressed, nor a suitable outcome can be resolved.

What he says he's going to do but never does, is just like you chasing your own tail, nothing can be achieved.

If you keep asking him to ask how you are, then eventually this will wear him down and communication may stop.

I am very sorry.


It's a grey area since I don't think porn is cheating (as long as it doesn't become more important than a relationship). However, OF involves people interactions so I think you have to conclude it's cheating. You mentioned he stopped doing OF after you had to say you were onlyvfriends because he wouldn't stop. This is a good sign he cares about you and is not addicted to OF. However, if you are not happy with how he is emotionally responding to you, and you ae so unhappy you feel on the edge of a mental break, get out of the realtionship. Life is too short to spend with someone who makes you feel that way. You can't change people. Only they can do that with a lot of work. The things you dislike about him will keep coming back.