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Feeling I'm not important enough

Community Member

Earlier this year I was sick and unable to do grocery shopping so the $200 my husband puts into my account for groceries he stopped that money going into my account because he was doing the shopping. That is fair enough, but any money left over from the groceries should have gone into my account, I feel. I don't get any other money, as I don't work and that is the only money I get, which is from him and his account. He did this without telling me he had stopped the money going into my account. It was only that I realised that I didn't have any money, that I approached him about it.He is very controlling of money. He also puts $80 a week into an other account for himself for petrol, but as he is working from home at the moment, he hasn't needed that amount for petrol, but still deposits that money every week, so there for he is able to have extra money for himself, unlike me.

I also learnt from him just this week that his father gave him a large sum of money. This happened weeks ago, but he never told about this until this week. I only found out by fault. I feel I can't trust him. He didn't tell me about stopping money into my account months ago and now he didn't tell me that his father had given him money till weeks later.

Am I not worthy of being told?, is this normal, I feel like he is taking me as a fool? Am I wrong to expect to be involved and told of such things? I just feel I can't trust him anymore. I feel very sad and feel hurt. I don't feel like an equal in this relationship. I have suffered with low self esteem for many many many years and this just messes with me.

i don't know how I should be feeling. It's really doing my head in. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you.

3 Replies 3

Community Member

Hi Sallyanne

From what you have posted, I would suggest that your husband is very controlling; and that is something that needs to change. Your husband's behaviour is not "normal" or healthy. A marriage is a supposed to be a partnership; you should not have to ask him for cash if you are the traditional stay-at-home wife or parent. In addition, you should be a part of the family finances; including the large sum of money.

When I read through your post it got me thinking about my marriage and how different my marriage was compared to yours. Throughout my 30 year marriage my wife had unfettered access to our joint bank account, a credit card that was paid in full each month; no questions asked. The only condition I placed on her spending (and mine for that matter) was, be responsible.

Like you, my wife took on more of a traditional roll as housewife and I was the main breadwinner. I had no problem with that arrangement as she was free to do whatever she wanted. But, here is the twist; when we separated she accused me of being "financially controlling"; amongst other things.

Getting to the point, when I look at your story, and compare it to my own, I can genuinely see what "financial control" looks like.

Mr Paul, wow, your wife was so lucky to have a partner who classed her as an equal in the relationship. I wish that I had the same with my husband. I feel he despises the fact that I'm home and don't do payed work. It's so hard to ask for money or ask if I can buy something when I want anything? It just makes me feel inferior to him. We have been married for 36 yrs, and things haven't got any better even though we own our house and no dependent children anymore. He often brings up how good a life I have that I don't have to work. I feel I have to be busy doing things at home to justify my place in this partnership.

I just don't know how to get over the fact that he is being secretive. I feel he is not 100% honest with me about the money. Why has he tried to hide things from me? It's devaluing my position.

Hi Sallanne

I thought my parents were the last generation to live like that.

After 36 years of marriage, I think you have earned your way to equality; not that you had too. While your husband was at work, you were at home raising a family and keeping house; no small task. You possibly sacrificed a career to raise a family. Unfortunately, once the family leaves home, the parental care giver is left high and dry; out of the workforce with nowhere to go. This is where your other half is supposed to step up and support you. Sorry, I'm beginning to ramble.

Have you consider the idea of a joint account. Your current financial system is archaic and degrading to say the least. You should not have to ask if you need access to cash. The cash at bank is marital property, not you husband's.

I hope you can work something out!