- Beyond Blue Forums
- Caring for myself and others
- Relationship and family issues
- Feeling hopeless after break up
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Pin this Topic for Current User
- Printer Friendly Page
Feeling hopeless after break up
About nine months ago I broke up with my boyfriend of five years.
The break up was for two reasons. He constantly lied to me. I felt like I was going crazy disbelieving him all the time but he was always lying.
Whenever we argued he would say he was depressed and an alcoholic, but then a few days later if I brought up getting help or stopping drinking he would just laugh and say that he lied and that he wasn't depressed.
The second reason was that I wanted to move the relationship forward and move in together. He said he did but for a year came up with every excuse and lie in the book as to why he couldn't.
Anyway so at the time it ended I felt like I had made the right decision but nine months later I still feel extremely conflicted about it. I feel so hopeless and down and I just wish i could have him back. I think of the good times we had and I can't bear to think we'll never be together again. I cry every day and I replay all the things I did wrong.
I just know I'm going to feel this way for the rest of my life and that's a horrible thought.
dear Lunar, hi and great that you have decided to come to this site.
You seem to be taking all the blame now that you and your boyfriend have split up, however when you were both going out together, he lied to you about his depression and drinking alcohol, so with all this confusion that he has sited, is not being trustworthy or honest to you, so how could you believe anything he says.
He had no desire to move in with you, for reasons you don't know of, and I can't foresee or predict why, but I could suggest why not, but that's not for me to say, and can I gather that you don't have another boyfriend, and so sorry if this has upset you.
A long relationship with this chap would eventually end in heartache for you, because he couldn't be trusted in what he says or what he does.
You seem to be a very compassionate and loving lady who needs someone that can share your own love for a person.
If you need someone to talk to, beside being on this site, go and talk to your doctor.
I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff. x
Oh lunar! I hear you, reading your post is like reading my own inner thoughts.
My heart goes out to you.
what I keep trying to tell myself is that he wasn't what you thought he could be, you gave him multiple chances and he betrayed your trust. As much as it hurts, think of being caught in that cycle for the rest of your life, always second guessing what he says, always being afraid of the next time he'll hurt you with his lies.
My ex manipulated me and took advantage of my kindness, I wanted to see the best in him but reality is that I can't change him, he needs to help himself.
take care of yourself, please write here when ever you need to. It would be a great help to me too.
stay strong, believe that everything happens for a reason and someone more stable and loving will come along
You did everything you could to make the relationship work. He lied, he gave endless excuses, it sounds as if he didn't put any effort into making the relationship work. You don't need someone like that in your life. You did do the right thing, even if it doesn't seem like that now.
It appears that you're placing your relationship with him on a pedestal, therefore, seeing all the good times you had together and trying to block out the bad. This happens a lot when people go through break ups, I did the same thing. The best thing for you to do though is to appreciate the good memories, but also remember and learn from the bad memories as well.
Just take it a day at a time.
Best of luck,
Sorry to hear about your situation. Logically thinking sometimes goes out the windows in these situations especially if you were emotionally manipulated in the relationship. The first thing you should be assured by is that you actually got out and your nine months down the rd. The problem is in these types of toxic relationships is that you lose a sense of self worth and indentity, your whole being becomes what that relationship was it is not mutually exclusive, your sense of individuality and independence goes , so when someone leaves (regardless of whether or not it was a positive relationship) you have a hole that needs to be filled, that lack of who you are anymore needs to be found again.
You will probably see this story play out for various members, bad relationship, but still second guess have they done the right thing? Who are they now? Five years is a longtime to spend with someone and it's not a nice feeling to know you have to throw that away!!! Focus on yourself, build your esteem, get confidence, find new hobbies/interests. Only when you find who you are now (without him) and feel good about yourself again will you stop mourning something that you know logically you shouldn't go back.
wish you all the luck!!
Thanks for your reply.
I think a big problem is that I am nine months down the road, but I don't feel better, in fact I feel much worse than ever.
I have looked around online and asked people and heard so many stories where people feel the same as me one, two, ten, fifteen years down the track. And I know that's going to be me.
I thought of all this before I ended the relationship but it seemed worth it at the time. Now of course I would hear all those lies again if I could have him back.
I think a lot about the first few months after we broke up. He wanted me back, in fact he begged me, but I was still so angry I said no. Now I can't stop thinking about how I had my second chance and I blew that too.
lately I've been feeling like that too. I feel as if the break up happened yesterday, not almost 12 months for me. My ex was the same when we split, he called, I ignored him, except for one call I did answer when he begged and pleaded for me to come back. Like you I was angry, hurt and confused and shut him down.
Something deep down inside me knew I had to end it though. I was hurting and his lies just tipped me over the edge. I was exhausted.
I crave a relationship that "just works" that's based on respect, love and trust. It's excruciating loving someone you don't trust.for I've never felt deep pain like this. But I know I have to heal before someone else can come into my life and treat me so much better with a deeper love I never knew existed.
For me, I think I would have more regret if I went back to him without giving myself a chance to heal and see what another relationship could feel like. You just never know what life has install. This is the pep talk I give myself whenever I feel like contacting him or start regretting the decision. But I think it has a lot of truth, the pain hasn't stopped but it won't stay like this forever. Nothing lasts forever right?
You're much stronger than you think you are.
Im feeling the same Lunar after a recent break up from a long term relationship. Sometimes it feels like "how am I going to get through life with out him?" but I also know deep down that these thoughts are un healthy (and maybe you do too) that the relationship was toxic and it was never going to be a happy one.
All I can say to you is be strong, you and I deserve so much more than what we have had to deal with. Have faith that there will be someone out there that will care for you deeply. Find your own peace and happiness and you will cross paths with Mr Right one day.
dear Lunar, I am so pleased that you have had replies fromall of the above people who have themselves experienced similar circumstances as you, so they certainly understand, however there could be a trap which maybe good or maybe not, but you might meet someone before you have accepted what your boyfriend did to you, and in the short term this new relationship will make you feel much better, which is what you want and that's understandable, but as this new relationship progresses these old memories could begin to come back to annoy you.
I certainly don't want to concern you too much, and this includes all the other dear ladies as it could be a sad and difficult journey ahead for you all, but I believe it will get better for you all. L Geoff. x