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Feeling guilty after breakup!!
A few months ago I broke up with my same sex (female) partner, after being together for 3.5 years. We lived together and had shared bank accounts with a house deposit, over the last 12 months I fell out of love with her and started thinking about being with men again. I told her that we needed to break up as I wasnt in love with her I needed to be on my own to be more independent.. so we broke up, I have now moved out and we have spilt our assets.
The guilt is killing me, I can't sleep, eat or even function normally. she did nothing wrong and is honestly the most kindest / loving person and if I was still in love we would still be together but unfortunately I can't help my feelings... she has told me on numerous occasions she is going to change into something I want and will wait for me .. I have told her not to but I just don't have the heart to put it blankly that I don't love her anymore and we will never be together again.. my question is how to get over this guilt - I've never hurt someone before in my life like this before...
You are on the money Court, you cant help your feelings. This is the burden, the price of love sometimes and one party sometimes two gets hurt.
I recall the movie "the way we were" and it was a story of two lovers that did love each other but couldn't live with each other.
Guilt in itself is the culprit here. The following threads deal with that-
Beyondblue topic guilt the tormenter
Beyondblue topic your own worse enemy
Beyondblue topic worry worry worry
Repost anytime, time is your friend.
Guilt can definitely leave us feeling uncomfortable at times (putting it mildly). It's typically an emotion that leads us to look deeply within.
Although I'm not always successful, I like to try and see guilt as a positive thing, leading me to ask 'Who do I want to be?' For me, it's kinda like a 'signpost' a point of consciousness which asks us to make a choice. An example:
Do I want to be someone who chooses the path which requires me to
- Halt my own evolution as well as my partner's evolution
- Remain with my partner when I can't give her the love and commitment she deserves
or do I want to be someone who chooses the path which requires me to
- Facilitate my own evolution as well as my partner's evolution
- Release my partner so she can find the love and commitment she deserves, in another
Whether depriving someone or releasing someone, you might perhaps agree that guilt presents itself at the head of both of these paths.
Having chosen the 2nd path, that question may still present, 'Who do I want to be?' Again, consciousness helps us remain true to our self. 'I want to be someone who is considerate in regard to how I release my partner. I do not want to be brutal or unkind'. No matter how gentle or thoughtful we may be in providing this kind of release for another, the grief they experience may be inevitable. Their grief is a part of their own journey, their own evolution, something they will need to gradually process over time whilst they move forward.
We may still feel elements of loving kindness toward someone we are no longer deeply in love with. I imagine you are dealing with these elements, which is what makes this so hard for you (witnessing her pain). At the end of the day, you have chosen the path of honesty and I can only imagine your ex will experience the benefits of such honesty when she does manage to find someone who is able to fully commit to her.
Take care court15 and try seeing guilt as a tool, relating to greater consciousness, as opposed to a curse (easier said than done at times, for sure).