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Feeling emotional and angry
I’ve decided to join this forum so I can talk about how I’m feeling to people who don’t know me or my story.
5.5 years ago I separated from my Fiancée and father of my 2 girls aged 5 & 7. It’s been tough but I’ve come this far. We used to do shared agreement so 50/50 but 12 months ago I took them full time. He has moved to a good 50km from me and the girls with his now fiancée (2 year relationship) and is barely around to help out or be at any schooling events for the girls. I feel like when we decided on me having them full time he would still assist and be there but he isn’t.
I feel stuck because I have put my whole life on hold, I have sacrificed so much, I am missing out on things I want to do because I’m raising these girls on my own. I’m emotional and angry at everyone around me because they’re happy, they’re doing great things, they have great relationships, loving normal families, great jobs and here I am just getting through each week financially and emotionally.
Am I supposed to feel like this forever? Will things ever get easier. If you’d asked me at 21 where I seen myself at 31, it wouldn’t be here. This isn’t what I planned.
Dear Single mum,
Welcome to Beyond Blue, and well done for reaching out.
Life certainly does not always go the way would like it to; for example, if you had've asked me at 15 what I would be doing at 25, I would have said I would be a qualified Vet surgeon by then. Instead, at 25, I was a lonely drunk, who was losing friends almost more often than I could change my undies, I had lost several factory jobs by then, failed year 11 - certainly couldn't even do Vet Nursing as work experience because I was too sick - I had been a one violent relationship and was heading into another ..... yeah, my life at 25 was VERY DIFFERENT to what I had hoped it would be.
But is it like that now? No way! I have great friends, a wonderful partner, a simple but thoroughly enjoyable job in retail, great health - both physical and mental health - my own place and paying my own mortgage ..... my point is that nothing lasts forever. Not the good, not the bad, and not the ugly either.
Your kids won't be kids forever; they will become teenagers at some point, who will barely be home! And you won't be 31 forever. You will eventually get/have the time and space in your life to get out and do social things. Coffee and cake with a friend at the local shopping centre could be a great start?
Having said that though, if you are not already getting some sort of financial assistance from the kid's father, that perhaps you could discuss that with him? And maybe too you could see if there are some single parent support groups or social groups you could join?
Also, I know it's hard to be grateful all the time, but there are people out there who never get to be parents at all ....... or worse, those who have had kids and lost them due to illness or injury or family breakdown, just like you and your partner have split, yeah? Others may 'seem' to be happy and carefree, but how much do we really know about the nitty gritty of their every day lives? Probably not as much as we think we do.
We all have our struggles. But the good news is that you are not alone. Here, you have a whole network of people who feel or have felt exactly what you are feeling now, and have come through to a place of contentedness, and even become armed with wisdom to help others.
You can do this. But you don't have to do it alone. We are here for you, to listen and to share. Take care. And remember; your life is not 'on hold' as much as it is perhaps on a detour. Try and enjoy the ride as it is.
And take care. xo
Welcome to bb. Soberlicious has written a great response and I don't want to repeat it but want to add ...
Things are not always what they seem. All those people you envy, the ones who seem to have it all, have problems too. I don't know anyone with the perfect life or anyone who isn't dealing with something. What you imagine they have is an illusion.
Life is tough for all of us, but it is also good. Thankfully you are blessed with two children.
Mothers make lots of sacrifices, I know I sure have. And I can remember feeling resentful at times, too. I think it's likely fairly common to feel this way, afterall we mothers are humans with wants and needs. My best advice from what I learned is to focus on what you have and don't worry about what you don't have.
My kids are now young adults and when I look back, I love that I was always there for them. I am thankful that I was lucky enough to have the primary role in shaping who they were to become. I am proud of the unbreakable bonds we share.
Your girls are lucky to have you and you to have them. Hang in there.
Kind thoughts to you