Feeling desperate & trapped

pinkroses · ‎21-01-2017

Hi everyone!

Okay I feel like I know what I need to do - but it seems too hard?

i have been in a relationship (my 1st relationship) for the past 4 years. The first year was amazing. I felt so loved and like I finally met someone who understood me.

This changed however. It has turned into everything is always my fault, I get called names, I am expected to spend all my free time outside of work with him or I'll get a few nasty voice mails and texts...he says as I don't work as much as him and have very hard earned savings I should be the one paying for the next house rental bond and rent. I always feel financially pressured from him.

He has cheated on me I'm fairly sure. I have conversations from an online social account asking for nude photos of people he knows.

But I just don't feel like I can leave? How can it be I am treated so bad but I still love him, the old him. i am also scared he would rock up to my mums house where I currently live- Ihad the courage to be taken off the lease in september last year when he kept going out with people from work but wouldn't let me know where he was going and wouldn't let me meet any of them & would come home after two days of no contact drunk...I couldn't take another day of it - he made me feel so isolated but said because I have bipolar / anxiety I wouldn't cope with meeting his friends. I didn't seem him or 4 days after this whole thing and I was just so happy he agreed to take over the lease. I felt like I couldn't go on without him and he messaged me and took me out for tea (well he drove my car, he's never had his license).

i feel like no matter what he does I'm trapped and I will never be able to leave. i obviously don't trust him and I'm finding it hard to process. He sent me a few unpleasant messages last night as I accidentally fell asleep at my mums and told me not to come over until tonight. i feel like I have an opportunity to leave since he is in a bad mood, not sure if that makes sense but I feel like I. Will just go back to him. I'm finishing work in 2 hours and I just don't know what to do.

Heh has never physically hurt me back feel like I don't have a good enough reason to end it for good.

I feel so much more relaxed when I'm at my mums house, he relies on me for everything aswell, I have to drive him on a 2 hour return trip to work most days. I feel like he will lose his job without me and he will get angry and blame me.

It would be nice or just focus on myself.

cheers

Croix · ‎21-01-2017

Dear Pinkroses~
Thank you for posting, not something one normally does, but a good idea. I see you may have other posts but as I don’t know where they are I’ll treat this one as the first.

I guess what you are looking for is an outside perspective, on your own account I don’t really think you need it. After all you did say:-

i feel like no matter what he does I'm trapped and I will never be able to leave

Nobody normally feels in any way tapped in a good relationship. Sure there could be an occasional argument but not feeling trapped. You have already listed financial pressure, verbal abuse, being drunk, driving your car illegally, weird stuff on social media, dictatorial behavior and so on. Not a pretty list.

Everybody has to have a relationship where both persons feel loved, supported, happy. They should be able to rely upon and trust their partner, know they are always there for them. Your post clearly says it is not happening here.

Being Bipolar, having Anxiety is enough in itself without all you have described.

From what you say in your post of course you have a reason to leave him for good, and if there are any hassles call the cops.

On another matter you raised, are you currently on treatment for your conditions? I apologize if I’m covering matters unnecessarily, however mental illness needs treatment and support.

This means a GP, psychologist or psychiatrist, therapy, possibly meds, self-help and support. The Facts menu above has a fair amount of information that you may find useful.

Do you have a good relationship with our own family – your mum and others? If so they can be there for you, both if you want to break up from this man, and as importantly with your coping with BP & Anxiety.

Please have a look at the other sections of the Forum to see how others have handled similar situations and illness.

Feel free to post here as often as you would like – you will be met with warmth and understanding.

My best wishes,

Croix

Starwolf · ‎21-01-2017

Hi Pinkroses,

Thank you for sharing your story and your distress. It takes courage... and shows you are stronger than you think.

Some people enter a relationship wearing a mask. It is heart-breaking when time reveals the person we are with is not the person we fell in love with. Time always does tell.

The discrepancy between what we should do and what we can do it is in itself a major stressor. Bridging the gap between both doesn't come easy.

Figuring what goes on between people is difficult for outsiders. But your situation sounds familiar to me as I left a couple of similar relationships. Intimate relationships involve 2 people. First there is your partner's attitude. Then there is your dependency on a relationship which sounds toxic.

I suggest you google narcissistic relationships. Your description of the situation sounds like it could be what you are up against.

Emotional abuse IS abuse. It doesn't leave physical marks but leaves deep mental and emotional scars. No one should be subjected to any form of abuse. No one should think they must continue to be a victim of abuse. There is little you can do about your partner's attitude but there are things you can do to help you get to the root cause of your dependency on something which is harmful to you. An open, honest talk with a counselor would help clarify your side of the story to yourself.

This link may be worth copying into your browser :

https://au.reachout.com/what-to-do-if-youre-in-an-abusive-relationship

You deserve to be treated with respect and tlc. You are worried about what will happen to your partner if you leave... but you can't be responsible for another adult. You are the one who matters here. He's doing OK but you're obviously not. So worrying about what would happen to YOU if you stayed is the priority.

Take good care of yourself, Pinkroses. Whatever you decide to do, please make sure you keep safe.

monkey_magic · ‎21-01-2017

Hi beautiful girl, I have been in your shoes & worse. I used to always feel trapped, he changed & I was still in love with the old him but he became different. I also lost trust because of his emotional/ physical interaction with other woman on line...he became co- dependant on me which I felt was unhealthy. He gave me anxiety!! And he drank to cope, that's when the emotional/ mental abuse was the worst. I won't lie, its painful to leave but its possible. I left!!! My health,safety,& strength as a woman came first. You matter !!!! You deserve love & respect. When one door closes another one opens. The grass is greener on the otherside. Let no one take advantage of you.....deep down only u know what u need to do....you know....its inside of u....sending u love, strength & understanding through this difficult time. Stay true to yourself x

pinkroses · ‎23-01-2017

I did forget to add in he drinks to cope aswell. As soon as he is paid he will buy 2 bottles and drink 1 each day (2 days in a row). it makes me very uncomfotable as it isn't nice to see.
thank you for your kind words- i do hope one day i can leave. i went back to him saturday night after an abusive text...well that morning he had sent one, and then sent another at 11:30pm saying come over...so I did. i just want to leave and not ever hear from him again but i don't see that being realistic. he is currently with me at my mums house sleeping after night shift so that his dog could have company with my dog.

im too ashamed to tell my mum, we are super close and i absoloutley adore her - she is like my best friend. she is awesome and supportive but i just don't feel comfortable saying that he has cheated and what not. she knows he is dependent on me & ca be kind of nasty but does not know the full extent.
i don't know what to do next.

JessF · ‎23-01-2017

Hello pinkroses, I second all the posts above, and for Starwolf's advice as to investigating the root of all this... why do you feel so dependent on something that is harming you? Why is not "realistic" to leave? Can you list the reasons why you can't? Why can't you be open with your mother - is it because your'e afraid she will tell you what we all have... that this man needs to be out of your life?

monkey_magic · ‎23-01-2017

Great to hear back from u. Can I ask what he wrote in the abusive text just to get an understanding of how u r being treated? Its awesome that u respect yourself to know u deserve better & that u have ur mum as ur best friend. Its a scary thing to make big changes. I think one day when u feel stronger & ready ull prob tell ur mum,I mean that's what they r there for. Sounds like she's loves u a lot xxx

Starwolf · ‎23-01-2017

Hi Pinkroses,

You say your Mum is your best friend, awesome and supportive. So let me ask a few questions that came to my mind while reading your last post...as your best friend, don't you think she'd like to know the truth ? As her best friend, don't you think she ought to know ? Doesn't it feel like living a lie ? I am sure your Mum holds your well being being close to her heart. Wouldn't her support help you make the right decision ? As a Mum myself, I would feel awful knowing my daughter is suffering but hiding her distress from me.

Do you see staying in a toxic relationship as "realistic" ?

Of course, I don't need answers but I would like you to ask yourself those questions and answer them to yourself in all honesty. For your own sake.

Because I care. Because as a mother, I shudder at the thought of your pain and of you settling for more of the same.

I know leaving is not easy but please, consider reassessing where this relationship is going.

Croix · ‎23-01-2017

Dear Pinkroses~

You are doing a great job of talking to all the people here and are giving an ever-clearer picture of your life and your relationship with this man, and your relationship with your mother. That's good. You are good too, your humanity and also you love for your mother shines through.

As someone who has has stepped back from the to and fro of talk in this thread for a little while a couple of things stand out to me.

Firstly you have described a classic abusive/dependant relationship which the people here such as Starwolf & Steph6 have all seen is going just to get worse. However you return to it and do not seem to want to end it. You yourself said at one time:-

i do hope one day i can leave. i went back to him saturday night after an abusive text.

Doesn't seem to make sense does it? Well not to me anyway - am I missing something?.

Second although you mentioned BP and Anxiety, you have not said that you are undergoing treatment or anything else about it at all.

Is it possible that your inability to break off this relationship is in any way related to your own perception of yourself?

I'll give you an example from my own past that is sort of the same. I was in the police and I knew a man that went to prison. Before he came to police notice he was a pretty ordinary person in a loving relationship with a lady that cared for him.

After he came out of prison he would have nothing to do with her and ended up with a series of not very nice partners.

Why did he do this? He felt he was no longer a person worthy of love and respect, a second class citizen if you like. He was not a 'bad' person and I went so far as to try to get him a job.

Many people with mental illness - me included at one stage - think of themselves as second class citizens, and doubt that they can enter into a normal balanced relationship. At the same time the very natural desire built into most of us for a soulmate means we might accept second best and try to live with the consequences.

If I'm wrong I apologize. If right it's not the end of the world. Things really can be ok again.

I'd start by saying if you are currently having treatment and go from there.

The folks here really care for you and want to help, even though some have massive problems of their own to cope with (just have a look around).

Please tell us what you think,

Croix

geoff · ‎24-01-2017

hello Pinkroses, well there has been a lot of good advice given back to you, and can I just say that you are staying in a r/ship where there will never be a good end for you, because you shouldn't be going back to him after all those nasty texts, that means he has control over you, and from what has been said this is the formula for becoming abusive, even though he's not physical but as he drinks alcohol, you should think about leaving him.
He has cheated on you and this will continue behind your back, plus he stays away for days in a drunken state with whom ever, and I can't see that anything pleasant has been said about him.
I can't tell you what to do, but I don't want you to be hurt and it seems as though it's heading in that direction. L Geoff. x