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Feeling crushed under the weight of the grief of a recent break up
This is my first time posting. I still feel raw after breaking up with my girlfriend - by email, then talking about it face-to-face. The waves of emotions are hard to describe - there is guilt, emptiness, sadness, despair. I feel a lump in my throat sometimes. My chest is heavy. I suddenly feel weak and I need to collapse somewhere and curl up and cry. Keeping this at bay while putting on a brave face can be exhausting. And I'll be honest, although I can describe, using reason, why I broke up with her, I don't know why I am going on or what I want in life anymore. I feel that meaning is extinguished and I can't make sense of it anymore. The emotion will settle sometimes and I think I'm fine, then it comes surging up again. I don't want this to be true. I feel sorry for myself and for her. I don't want to be alone processing this awful experience. I feel unprepared and drained. It is so much bigger than me, and I feel weak by comparison. But I don't know who to turn to - I don't feel the closeness and trust I need in family and friends to make myself vulnerable this way and tell them about something so personal and intimate. I keep doing things, like eating or going about my life, by instinct or routine, but it feels senseless. I can detach and observe myself, even examine myself doing what I am doing, or in the clutches of grief. What I want to do most is get on my hands and knees and tell her how sorry I am and that there must be a way to make it ok again, even though I know there isn't. My reason tells me it is the right thing to do, breaking up with her, and I need to do this to look after myself, but I experience this as feeling so wrong. Four years of my life - ended. My grief is beyond words. The only thing that makes sense is my grief - it is a raw pain like a gaping wound. And I know I won't be ok tomorrow, or the day after. I suppose I need to share this or lighten this - but how? I'm told I have to go through this, give myself time to grieve. The pain makes me want to scream. The guilt makes me want to feel as small as possible. I don't know what is right or wrong anymore - I feel lost. I don't have any direction. Yet somehow I can't get rid of my survival needs. I'm so unprepared. It is overwhelming. I want to go back and change things, but I can't. I can only carry around this awful pain.
I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling crushed by your recent break up and that you are going through a tough time trying to make sense of it all. Unfortunately, break ups come with a range of challenging emotions that are difficult to deal with and reaching out for help here is a positive step. I'm hoping you feel better soon.
Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your experience.
Breakups are so hard especiaLlybthe first or when you have little experience with the overwhelming grief and emotions. Velvet
I wonder if writing out your post so honestly and revealing your pain helped in anyway to start making sense of what has happened.
The pain of breaking up does take time and being kind to yourself.
if you write or like art, drawing, or any creative activity it may help if you keep a journal of how you are feeling and how that may change over time.
You are not alone and we are listening to you.