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Feeling broken after complex deceit and infidelity

Community Member
I don't really know how to start this. I found out last week that my husband of 18 years had been DMing someone on the other side of the world. He has a history of mental health issues including borderline personality disorder, anxiety, depression and anger issues. He has been in and out of our lives for the last 10 years trying to come to terms with his issues. He has cheated three other times in that time while not living with us, all women he met on Instagram. He was living with us this time and said the he wanted to go on a 12 week overseas trip to work for a friend doing maintenance work in exchange for free board and meals. I didn't want him to go and there were many arguments. He packed a suitcase and left 6 weeks before his flight and stayed with a friend. He wouldn't return my calls and didn't say goodbye to the kids or I when he flew out. He took money and once there started messaging the kids and I saying that he was coming back to us, that he loved us, sending photos. He has been gone since  June and last weekend I accidentally discovered on Instagram that he went over to meet up with a woman who met him at the airport and has spent the last 9 weeks driving across the country with her. I spoke to her and she said that he told her he had been divorced for 6 years. She said she would kick him out and that she also felt deceived and lied t. The next day she messaged me to say she had thought about it some more and they were staying together. I am gutted, cry constantly and have no idea how to move forward. My children are teenagers and want nothing to do with him now. My future has been ripped out from under me with no warning and I'm struggling just to breathe. This is a condensed version and there is so much more he's done. I'm so sad.
1 Reply 1

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear StrugglingMumma,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out. Although I must say, what an awful situation for you to be in. I am so sorry to hear of your struggles right now.

I know what it felt like when I was cheated on, lied to and betrayed like that. It was my first fiance, and I knew that the supposed friendship that he had with this other woman was so much more than friendship, but he kept insisting there was nothing in it. .......... that was until I came home early from work one day and sprung them in a very compromising, passionate position ..... undressing each other ...... well, you can guess the rest. I was so shattered.

But we ...... well, it was more ME that 'worked through it' ..... he told me a bunch of stuff that I wanted to hear and wanted to believe .... and we got back together after a few months. But then he did it again and again. Not only that, but he also became very inappropriately involved with a child and ended up going to jail. I was then almost more shattered than words could ever express. I could barely forgive myself for not being able to see through the lies, the manipulation, and for trusting him again and again, only to be broken again and again.

I would like to strongly recommend that you seek some face-to-face counseling for yourself, and perhaps the children too. Moving forward from this is something almost too big to do on your own. Of course you can come here to Beyond Blue as much as you like. But I really think that perhaps more support could be quite beneficial.

I really feel for you, and do hope that you can soon find some sort of peace and relief from this awful mess you are currently experiencing. Just remember to be gentle with yourself and take it minute by minute.

And know too that I will be thinking of you. Take care. Feel free to respond if you want. Just one more thing though; I am not a professional of any kind, just a fellow human being with a similarish experience. xo