Feeling betrayed by intimate partner

[ThomasT]

HI all,

I need to get this off my chest. I've had an emotionally turbulent relationship (FWB) with a woman for the past 18 years. We live separate lives. We both had very stressful professions. Hers in particular was both extremely stressful but financially rewarding. Things between us haven't been great for a long long time. There have been many times where trust has been an issue, communication is terrible. We have gone weeks or even months without talking. Yet when we do talk or see each other we click, Like everything is just perfect.

She told me a 4 months ago (Nov 17) she told me she had bought a new property. She wouldn't tell me the address. That was the strangest thing I had ever come across. Who doesn't say where the place is they just bought? Long story short, tonight I discovered that she actually bought the place in 2016. She doesn't know I know.

I feel pretty upset and betrayed. It feels like she is about to exit and doesn't want me to know where it is.

[Quercus]

Hi Thomas and welcome to the forums,

In my mind the downfall of a friends with benefits relationship is that you really have no commitment from the other person.

18 years is a very long time to have someone in your life who is a friend and lover but nothing more. Have you thought about the original agreement you both had, what were the rules? Was disclosing things like finances and property a rule?

From an outside perspective I find it odd that you feel betrayed by something that many FWB partners would not see as need to know. Isn't the point of a relationship like this companionship and intimacy without the responsibility for the day to day stuff like mortgages? I am seriously asking that as I haven't been in this situation myself.

As to why she hasn't told you... Who knows. Maybe she has had enough? Maybe she wants more from you? Maybe the stress of work isn't as bad anymore and she's ready for a relationship? Or perhaps she is considering if this relationship is what she needs? More likely it is none of the above. Because these are my biased feelings not hers. My point... You won't know why unless you ask her.

Time for a good talk. To get it off your chest to the person who is able to give you the answers you need.

Feel free to return and talk. You are very welcome here.

Nat

[White_Rose]

Hello Thomas

Welcome to Beyond Blue.Before I go on, can you explain FWB? I have no idea what this means.

I think Quercus has set your relationship in a different light to the one you think you have. I have to agree with her. To feel hurt because a friend has acquired something without telling you sounds unusual. My friends do not necessarily tell me of their purchases and while I do understand you have an intimate view of your relationship, it does not mean you tell each about a number of things.

As Quercus has said, you will only find out why if you ask her. As she bought the property some time ago it does not indicate she is moving away, at least for the time being. Her job is stressful and maybe she wants to have somewhere to relax. Being at home is not always relaxing.

Another point to think about is how you discovered when she had bought the property. Were you talking about her and does this seem OK with you? Could she see this as a betrayal of her trust? Are you going to tell her you know when she bought it? If your informant did not tell you where the property is, perhaps she is not telling everyone. We have public parts of ourselves, parts that you have no objection showing to the world. The private bits are just that, private, and only accessed by the person themselves.

It sounds as though this incident has shown that you care far more about her than you thought. The possibility of losing this friend is something you are finding difficult to acknowledge. Please ask her. The straight forward way is usually the best.

Please write in as often as you wish.

Mary