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Feeling alone and unloved
I lost my job and home 2 yrs ago. I was on my own for 10yrs from a divorce. It was the family home of 35yrs. I had packed it all up and done some minor renovations before the sale! I wasnt coping with the job loss initially and the home just added to the stress. I reached out to my daughter who is married and I was the main carer for the grandkids for over 10 yrs. All i did was send a text saying I couldnt do it and wasnt coping well! Her reply was a text and not what I expected under the circumstances, her attitude was.. I cant do everything for you!!!! But up until then I had been doing everything myself, so i was taken back with that comment, I started to shut down as I became angry! ended the messaging and soldered on. I was expecting or maybe hoping I would get a call or see her but nothing from that day until 4 months after I sold the house. Nobody knew where I had moved to or any circumstances around that! I couldn't believe how I deserved such disrespect! or even the lack of concern from her if I had a roof over my head!!!!! It has now been two years since, I have seen nor heard from anybody, I miss my grandchildren very much, I walk around all day in a daze from not understanding what the hell did I do!!!!
I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling really alone and unloved right now, and you've not been able to see your grandchildren. It sounds like your relationship with your daughter is really strained right now, and she doesn't understand how you are feeling. I can't imagine how hard and confusing it has been for you these past couple of years. Do you have any other friends or family you are able to speak to at the moment?
Either way, you are absolutely welcome here and I'd love to hear from you again when you feel up to it.
Hello Huggybear, and a warm welcome to you.
Unfortunately, we tend to expect our parents, the kid's grandparents to naturally take on the role of babysitting, no matter what day or any hour of the day we're asked to look after them, and at times little consideration is taken into how we are actually feeling ourselves, it's taken for granted that we'll look after them and in most situations that's OK, however, there are times when it doesn't suit us but we can't necessarily say no.
Selling your house means you have to pack up everything, whether or not anyone provides any type of help depends on the situation you're in, but if it's all left up to you must have been disappointing, just as how your daughter has handled this situation with no or little respect to your well being.
I am really sorry this has happened, so if I can make a suggestion/s, is, first of all, seek help from your doctor, only because you need to develop some knowledge in how you will be able to cope with this, and secondly to contact your daughter, whether you go to her place when the kids are home would be an advantage and try to talk with your daughter.
Please ask any questions you'd like to.
Hello Huggybear, just wondering how you are feeling at the moment.
thankyou for your comments
I have no family now as my parents and sister have passed away many years ago! My daughter and I have always had a up and down relationship, and a lot of it is my fault as I was a very easy going parent and she had everything she wanted. I do not like arguments, so I guess I didnt create the respect that a mother should have!
She left home at 16 then came back 6 weeks later, then left home again at 18 and after 2 years came back only this time she had just had my grandson, but I knew it was because she was struggling with her partner and they had no money! So stupid me and my partner brought her what she needed for the baby and we updated her car so she had a safe car to drive with the baby.
I worked for years and with my job I had all school holidays off, during that time I watched the grandkids and over the xmas break, I did this up until my grandson was 15 and my grandaughter was 10. I noticed that around that last time I saw her, the contact was getting very thin, as I wasnt needed to watch the kids anymore, she knew that I was going to be selling the house and I was painting and fixing the house up, so her visits started to waver!
I guess things become a bit challenging at certain times of the year, which is normal I guess and I know Im not the only person who goes through these things! But I'm so hurt to think that I reached out to her for help, more emotional than anything and she ignored it! and I had been there for her so many times. And I can't get past that hurt that I feel and thats the struggle for me!
thankyou for you comment!
I know I'm not the only person going through these problems, I was for some years a support worker for the elderly and was horrified at some of their stories with their families!
As I have replied to somebody else on here, my daughter has shut the door in my face 3 times
when she was 16 she left home, came back 6 weeks later, when she was 18 she left and contacted me 2 yrs later saying she had a baby! Her partner and her were struggling!!
The more I look back at things the more I see that I have only been a good mother when she has needed something!
My free time was watching the grandkids every school holidays and over the xmas period, for 15 years, they were left with me all week and went home on the weekends. The visits got scarce at the end while I was fixing the house up for sale, as I wasn't needed to care for them anymore, but I was never told anything, they just didnt show up the last school holidays even though I stock my cupboards of their favorite food!
I reached out to her more for emotional support as I wasn't coping with the whole process, and as I said none came
Its hard as a parent to deal with children with attitudes, but its even harder as a grandparent because you know it you rock the boat they won't let you see the grandkids, so we are somewhat held to ransom. Its the first thing they take away because they know that will hurt us the most!!
I feel so hurt by it all, that I know I will not be reaching out to her, I have my pride and have done nothing wrong!
Like I have said if adult children can walk away without any conscious about their actions and hurt you so easily after being there for them in their difficult times then do they really care anyway! I'm not going to be a part time mum anymore for the times it suits her!
I'm sure when the time comes ( which I hope is a long way away!) she will surface with her crocodile tears and her hand out for her inheritance!
There is so much history with my daughter, and hard to explain in a few words, but I get through the days and distract my thinking when possible.
I hope you don't blame yourself too much for the relationship you now have with your daughter. It's so hard to know how children will respond to parenting styles, and it sounds like you really did what you thought was best. And still, she's an adult now - she's perfectly capable of making her own choices now, so I don't think any of that is your fault at all. Even now, you have tried all you can to make her life easier, and it does not sound like you feel she appreciates any of that.
Do you have any other support? As geoff mentioned, a doctor could be a good place to start - it sounds like the relationship with your daughter will take some time to mend and it would be good to have some other people you can count on so you don't feel so alone.
Otherwise, distracting your thinking is a good idea too. What do you like to do in your spare time?
Hello Huggybear, thanks for getting back to us, and thinking back in time, I wonder whether if we were in the same position years ago as young parents, whether or not we would do the same with our parents, well with my parents I don't think we would be game enough to do this, and how, within a generation, times have changed so much because of the repercussions that may have happened.
When our kids deprive us of being able to see our grandchildren it really hurts and it's not because of them but how their parents, our kids in actual fact are feeling, that cause this split.
The grandkids are probably asking why can't we see grandma/pa and told some sort of reason why they can't, but when they are able to be free, they will make sure contact is made with you, unfortunately, the time has passed and we aren't as agile as before which is so disappointing.
The rationale between generations does change and that's what we don't expect, we always hope it doesn't, but the world won't sit still and may be the same will happen when our kid's children grow to make their own decisions, again how they react will not be accepted by their parents, that is our children.
When something happens to our kids, we know from experience that what we think is the best advice so we offer it to them, sometimes a reason to them can not be justified and they choose their way, which may be right or to the contrary.
Please take care.
I dont know what I just did but I think I just lost my reply to you, if it comes up twice I'm sorry for that!
I keep busy with my daily household chores, vegetable garden, playing ball with the dogs, quilting and crochet
I have seem phycologist before, once for OCD, then when my mother died as I had to look after my grandfather, father and my sister who was Epileptic and was Intellectually Challenged from birth, whe was older then me and has now passed on.
I had a nervous breakdown because I wasnt coping with the extra things, while working myself and having my own family to tend too! They have all passed on now!
Then again before I moved, I have learnt to identify when I am sinking very low!
that is not the case this time so I havent gone back!
I had a mentor many years ago who taught me some skills, when I feel I need to act!
I have had many experiences in life, some very hard and some for learning!
I honesty feel my problem this time is just dealing with the hurt!! Its the injustice of being treated in this way and to be forgotten!
I even tell people if ask, that my daughter is practicing for when I pass on! lol
I know deep down I can get through ok! Ive done it so many times before, I just sometimes need to vent, and I guess thats why I chose to come on the forum and engage with other like minded people.
Sharing with people you know is difficult, especially if they have not experienced what you have, and I can be very private when it comes to sharing, and I have found over the years it is usually ME who is listening to their problems, thats another reason why I tend to keep to myself alot
I guess, our past can influence how we are today, and I know how much I have grown from it!, Its just all the loses you experience that keep you from being a whole person again!
just one day at a time, is what I say!