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Feeling alone and feeling bad about it
So my partner loves me. No doubts in anyone's mind but he has add, possible undiagnosed autism and he doesn't like being touched.
When we first started dating I knew he didn't like to be touched. He used to sleep on the floor sometimes when he was with his ex wife. So it's not news for me.
But I'm a HSP with depression and anxiety and some days I need to be held. Well he's been super stressed lately and when I was having a big sad I asked if I could have a hug. He said no but offered me to hold a finger.
II understand and respect that he doesn't like to be touched. But now I'm so angry at myself for crying hysterically because I couldn't be hugged. I'm so confused.
What can I do to find a way to satisfy my depression and need for being held when he doesn't want to.
I feel for you so much as you navigate your way through depression on top of developing a relationship that holds within it not just 1 sensitive (person) but 2.
Please don't be too hard on yourself for feeling the need to vent. Feeling the need and giving yourself the freedom to fulfill that need is important, for mental and physical wellbeing.
Wondering if your partner has ever felt the deep need to hug anyone. This doesn't necessarily mean he won't one day feel it. Maybe he'll only feel it when he feels deep sorrow or incredible joy (an extreme situation). When you're depressed, is there anything he does feel the need to do, in the way of comforting/supporting you? For example, maybe he feels a deep need to put on certain music to distract you from your thoughts or maybe he feels the deep need to lead you to question your thoughts (make sense of them).
A strange suggestion but do you think he'd be able to brush your hair when you're feeling upset? Is this something he could manage, based on his sensitivity to touch? Do you feel this would somewhat calm you and lead you to feel more loved through a challenge? Does he hold the ability to lead you to feel deep connections through something other than hugging? Can you imagine somewhere down the track you both find a middle ground? By the way, hair brushing is known to release and promote certain chemistry in the brain. I discovered this one day when I wondered why people experience that 'zoned out' relaxed look on their face. I couldn't help but wonder why this happens. Who would have thought - hair brushing triggers a chemical reaction. We're quirky creatures, that's for sure.
If you're super sensitive to a lot and sensitivity is natural, does this make you super natural? If you're super sensitive to feeling your thoughts, to sensing how others are feeling, to sensing what's needed in a situation, to sensing the need to question and wonder, to sensing what brings you down and what raises you and so on, you have an incredible ability, which can feel like more of a curse at times.
Have you ever wondered about the incredible abilities of someone on the autism spectrum? There can be a stack of them. The ability to emotionally detach, while in search of reason can be one (objective analysis). Of course, this does present issues at times. If your partner possesses this ability, objective analysis, he may resemble a live in psychologist to some degree. Is it possible you are both 2 halves of a whole?
Thankyou for such a great reply. I actually work with children with autism so thankfully I know how to work with him on his off days. But when my off days happen it gets rough. He hasn't looked me in the eyes in a while now and even tho I know that's normal for people on the spectrum and normal for him when he's stressed it still tugs my strings because I feel like I'm not getting the intimacy I feel I need.
I imagine right now he's freaking out. He's back at work for the first time in many many years and he was so excited about that. I imagine right now he's worried something will go wrong and it'll come crashing down.
I just wish I was able to put my emotions on pause sometimes.
When I gave him a kiss before I went to shower he didn't look at me but through me and couldn't have gone back to the TV quick enough. And altho this is pretty normal for him my irrational brain is loosing it's shit over it.
The world is truly blessed to have such a sensitive soul in it. You're truly beautiful. To be sensitive enough to feel the need to raise those who struggle with aspects of autism speaks volumes.
I find being tuned into my feelings can be highly triggering at times, deeply challenging. It's like sometimes I can feel the deep need for my husband to connect more with our 16yo son and 18yo daughter but he doesn't feel that need. I can feel a deep need for him to open his mind to his true potential yet he feels the need not to and therefor remains not questioning why he acts and thinks the way he does. While he feels the need to detach in favour of time on his own quite a lot, until he feels ready to reconnect, I feel this as neglect to some degree. I'm not out to poo poo my husband, just relate to how challenging it can be when we're not on the same page with the person we share a life with.
When people talk about 'feelings', many often don't fully consider feelings as literal feelings or sensations in the body. It must be so hard to feel no eye contact when that's what connects you to people. It must be incredibly challenging to feel a lack of physical contact. A lack (of something) can be a horrible thing to feel. On top of it you can feel yourself suppressing your needs. Add to that...feeling your thoughts. If our thoughts are depressing, we'll definitely feel them, especially if we're sensitive enough to feel them. Sounds a bit strange but if 'receiving little in return' was a feeling, you can easily sense little in return. For myself, this feeling can trigger a sense of anger, rejection and more. It triggers me when I can feel another person's lack of interest or investment in what I really need, especially if I've been left alone to deeply feel it.
Not sure if it's of any help but I'll put this out there just in case. I've come to redefine 'disappointment', which helps me manage my feelings a little better at times. If I appoint a person as 'He/she who fulfills this role' and they constantly dis-appoint themself from that role, I have to challenge myself to no longer give them that role to fill in some cases. I won't always let people off the hook too easily by the way. If your partner cannot fill the role of 'He who embraces', which role will he agree to fill, regarding loving support? If support is something you intensely feel the deep need for at times, you deserve to be raised through support, not brought down through a lack of it.
How about a special soft toy or blanket that you both purchase together, either in store or online, if lockdowns a problem or he has difficulties with shopping.
it might also be a time you can have a good talk find out little things about each other favourite colours, textures, etc.
Once you have the blanket/toy, depending on comfort levels you might ask him in times of need to get it for you to hug and hopefully overtime it might even become less about your need to ask and more about his need to give you comfort in a way he finds comfortable to do so.
I hope that concept helps in someway.
"It triggers me when I can feel another person's lack of interest or investment in what I really need, especially if I've been left alone to deeply feel it."
Omg yes. I totally know this feeling. J and I have a love language so similar in some ways but so different in others, so when I am having a rough time with the voiuces in my head and feel I need some kind of intimate contact I need to find a different way to do that. I have a teddy bear that I have had since I was 6 that I cuddle at night and I sleep like a log. When he wants to cuddle tho the bear takes place on the floor somewhere 😄 J understand why the bear is there and doesn't have an issue with it thankfully.
My cuddle woman is in Queensland and I am in Victoria so sadly I no longer have access to snuggles on demand when I need them and J canot provide.
I imagine your teddy bear reflects the great sense of love you possess, whether he's well worn or carefully looked after. It's funny how we can be sensitive to touch in different ways. While I'm a gal who's not much of a hugger, I love other touch based sensations. Came across this little stuffed toy rabbit some months back in a discount shop which I felt compelled to buy. Its fur is so incredibly soft. It sits in my car and whenever I feel a little stressed I rub it under my nose. Caught myself doing it once, in the mirror and couldn't help but laugh at how much I looked like a toddler. Then, it hit me...ahhh, that's why little kids rub their favourite soft toy or blanket under their nose - it's a natural form of self soothing. Little kids are brilliant, the way they've got life worked out in such a natural way. They can actually be amazing teachers in the ways of natural therapies. They're great venters in the way they refuse to keep tension bottled up. We're all entitled to a vent/tantrum now and then 🙂
It's weird how you can feel a lack of interest from another person. If I'm pushed to think about it, I suppose (as a set of physical sensations) it starts around the solar plexus area, moves up to the chest, hits the throat and will either come out the mouth as a wake call to the person I'm with or I'll let it go to my head. Feeling a lack of interest from another used to mess with my head a lot. You know that kind of internal dialogue - What's wrong with me? Why am I not worth caring about? Why am so worthless? I hope I lead you to smile when I say 'You can ask and ask and ask why you're worthless or you can reflect on the fact that person doesn't recognise good value when they see it'. Sensitive people are good value, that's for sure. While sensitive people challenge the people around them, those people either accept growing through such challenges or they don't. The choice remains theirs. Some choices can really impact us.
Ask any kid and they'll tell you imagination is a powerful tool when exercised well. Do you imagine the moment when you reconnect with your cuddle buddy? Can you feel what you imagine? Can you smell what perfume she might be wearing or see the clothes she might have on? Can you imagine her meeting you at the airport? Who knows how long it will be before what we imagine comes true. As long as we keep imagining what brings us joy, this may be enough to make a difference, for now.