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Feel like there is more to life :(
Firstly I’d like to warmly welcome you to Beyond Blue and to thank you for providing your post.
It sure sounds like it’s tough going for you and that everything is just becoming really hard. Not only that you’re having to do it all with the 2 little ones, but also you’re working full-time on top of that.
When you say that your husband isn’t present due to his work … does his work involve him having to travel and not be at home? Cause if he is at home, I would hope that he’s able to give you assistance with all things, house related, as well as child related too.
Do you have any other siblings or perhaps even friends, who may be able to take the children off your hands for an hour or so, perhaps on a weekend? Just so you can get a bit of “you-time” alone, just to de-stress for a bit; I know it wouldn’t be for a long time, but even for a short while, might prove to be helpful to you?
Is there any opportunity to perhaps take some leave from work, so you can perhaps have some ‘you-time’ during the week and to also be not so rushed with all other things that are needed to be done?
I just wanted to post this, but also hope that others come by and provide suggestions as well.
One thing that worries me is whether you did have or still have PND because this can linger on for quiet a long time and unfortunately has the ability to return, especially when you're under all the pressure.
I wouldn't feel too ashamed of yelling at two young kids, somethings that's the only way to get their attention until they realise that when you say something you mean it, it's part of learning, however I do believe you should see your doctor because from what you have told us it does appear that you could be suffering from both anxiety and depression, actually both of these always go together, although I'm not qualified to diagnose you, but this is what I would be saying to my sister. Geoff.
Your situation sounds very familiar - I found myself thinking much the same things for a very long time, wondering if the rest of my life was going to be such a struggle. I found myself very sad, very lonely, depressed and constantly anxious... My husband also wasn't around very much due to work but then wouldn't help around the house either and I was constantly yelling at my son, to the point where I felt like he'd be better off without me as his mum.
I'd suggest you should speak to someone you trust about how you're feeling, whether it be a friend or a family member as often just sharing it with someone can help - and they might be able to give you a break to spend some time on yourself. I agree with Geoff that you should probably speak to your doctor as well... he brings up a good point about PND lingering for a long time after birth - I didn't realise I had it until my son was almost 3, it was hard to admit but also felt like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
I'd also think about seeing if you can scale back on work a bit, finances permitting of course (don't need to add any additional stress) to give yourself a chance to spend some down time with your kids or even with yourself doing something for yourself. I know as a mum we often put our own needs last but its really important for your mental, emotional and physical state to be selfish now and then.... its hard but necessary
I hope things start to improve for you....