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Feel like I'm trapped in my own mind, can't stop mentally hurting my mother.
Hi everyone, first post so I apologise if its wordy, I've got a lot on my mind though and need to get this out.
So to give some context, my Mum has raised me by herself since I was born, my other two siblings moved out very young and so it's been basically just me and her in a very isolated home for 16+ years.
She's done absolutely everything in her power to give me a comfortable life as I've always been very lonely, and she was abused as a child and became very protective of her kids as a result.
She has been so protective, in fact, that I have been spoilt rotten and don't know anything that an independent young man should know.
I don't cook nor clean, she had to homeschool me from 8 years old because I was bullied, and because I was (and still am) addicted to video games, I found it very hard to focus.
Which brings me to my current state, and hers too:
We've both got severe depression, and a lot of negative thoughts each day.
I beat myself up mentally because I've become a pessimist and slob over the years, that issue goes far deeper and I won't put it here unless people are curious.
Anyway, we both hold a lot of pain inside, but for some reason, I can't interact with her with the amount of love she deserves.
I'm extremely lazy, as a result of being coddled since birth or depression I don't know, but if Mum asks for the smallest favor I react negatively.
She asked for a coffee because she was mowing the lawn (something she's wanted me to do for years which I avoid like everything else) and I reacted almost in a hostile way.
I didn't mean to, it just happened, and I didn't register it at the time, but later she came inside and I just felt off, she was upset.
I have always done this...I don't celebrate her birthday (or my own, given the choice.)
I don't give her gifts.
I don't do anything a loving son should, but every time I hurt her I feel it, I want to smack my head against something as justice for harming this angel that has raised me.
I've hurt her so many times that 'I'm sorry.' is no longer a phrase that can be said in our house.
So I hid in my room, and listened with a mind crying out in self-hatred as she cried.
I don't know why I am like this, I've got friends these days, games to entertain me, a bike to ride, and yet I am so angry and sad inside, and keep hurting the one closest to me as well.
Apologies if this upset anyone, but I just needed to get this out there, relieve a little pressure from this broken mind of mine.
Welcome KyleO to the forum,
This place is full of kind and supportive people.
I realise that writing your post and revealing parts of your behaviour that you don't like, must have been both difficult and painful.
You seem to understand what you are doing but you are not really sure why yo do it when causes pain to both you and your mother.
As you said, you didn't mean to beave this way, it just happened.'
You acknowledge how much your mother has done for you and are aware of the way you treat your mother makes her upset and you beat yourself up mentally over being a pessimist and a slob.
If you want to, you could explain this issue further but only if you want to.
Are you being homeschooled now, or do you have work? Just interested if your life is home based?
I find this sentence so moving,
"I've hurt her so many times that 'I'm sorry.' is no longer a phrase that can be said in our house. "
You have insight into your behaviour and the consequences.
I think sometimes we can hurt the ones we love because we know no matter what we say or do we will still be loved.
I have been a daughter who hurt her mother and a mother who has been hurt by a child.
I had bipolar and was in denial, when I was mean to my mum. I later apologised and tried to remember she was doing her best.
Have you ever spoken to your mum in a calm way about what you have written here or would you consider doing it?
Feel free to discuss this matter further, I would interested.
Welcome to the BB forum. Well done for posting... Not the easiest thing to do...I hope that posting did relieve a bit of the pressure in your mind.
Parent-child relationships are so complex. You spend so much time together and get to know each other so well. You know what will push buttons and what will soothe.
I think there's lots of possibility for you in changing the way you relate to your mum, especially as you are aware of the behaviours that are problematic and you are remorseful afterwards.
It might require some help though. It's possible that you can figure it out with some advice from people here on the forum, or you might find you need help from a counsellor or psychologist.
Just remember it's a dynamic that you and your mum have developed together. That means you are both putting into it and keeping it going. That means you might both need to make changes.
Thinking of you, Ebi