Fear of abandonment

[LC80]

As the title says I have had a lifelong fear of abandonment. My parents divorced when I was quite young, about seven I think, and my brother and I lived with a single working mother in a housing commission home in the mid to late 1960's so times were very hard. I was the last grandchild to sit with my grandmother just before she passed away. Mum later remarried and life was easier but when I was eighteen my brother drowned and when I was twenty three my stepdad, who was a true father to us, died from cancer. Not long after my wife left me and took my two daughters. Mum remarried again and I was not accepted into her husbands family. The single thing in life that scares me is being abandoned. Due to mental health issues my second wife has been on the threshold of leaving a few times, but we are still together as she has come to understand why I acted as I did in the past. She is now nearing retirement, I am retired, and the future looks brighter. Early retirement is the up side of a public service career devoted to serving Australia. We still fight a bit but after thirty years together I think we have made a good go of marriage, despite all the pressure that my issues have caused. That's my story anyway. I would be interested in hearing yours if you feel you can share.

[white knight]

Hi LC, welcome

Under the umbrella of insecurity abandonment would be high on the list of fears. Going through life in fear is a cruel existence.

Throughout our lives tragedy stikes, trauma more often and the cards fall where they drop. We'd like to think others get it easier eg rich people over the poor. My 67yo neighbour visited daily for the last 6 years. Not an unhealthy day in his life. 12 months ago received a large inheritance. Last week he told us of his latest diagnosis. I'm now richer than him in so many ways.

But it seems you've had more than your fair share of hurt and young age hurt left you as you are today. You have succeeded in your marriage, thats a medal job!.

I'm glad you're here. Plenty if reading available.General reading in "all posts" in "staying well" section might be of interest to you.

For me I had emotional issues since 12yo. Finally in 2009 i was diagnosed with dysthymia and bipolar2. At12yo my brother nearly drowned and that event stopped me talking for 3 months. So my psych traced back this to being the culprit of most of my woes. Add to that my mother with an undiagnosed problem likely BPD and it was a powderkeg.

With a trail of destruction she left behind its a shame some people dont get help and they and others pay a price. I havent seen my mother for 7 years. I'm happier now, stable enough to help members here if I can.

Tony t

[Ken1]

Hey LC80,

It sounds like there's been a huge amount of sorrow and grief you've had to deal with in your life. It's understandable that as a result of so many horrible experiences that you've developed a fear of abandonment. In my experience, fearing something doesn't make it any less possible of occurring - learning to become unafraid of the things I've feared has helped the best in preventing it from happening! Taking the power away from it by saying "No!" in my head to it because, while you don't have power over whether other people stay with you or leave you, the feeling of abandonment is a feeling and isn't tangible, therefore one may assume it's something that can be overcome.

How do you feel like you're dealing with your mental health issues?

I'm so glad for you that the future looks brighter. You surely deserve it after such heartache over many years.

Thanks for sharing- I'm sure your words can help someone here.

Bonnie

[Peppermintbach]

Hi LC80,

I'm glad that Tony WK and Bonnie have replied with their support. All I can say is that I can empathise with your fear of abandonment- the thread title drew me to your thread. You're not alone in your fear.

Kind thoughts,

Pepper

[LC80]

Ken1,

I think that I have learned quite a bit about myself over the last five years. Admitting I needed help and actively seeking it out saved my life. I now know that my behavior towards others in my immediate family was triggered by the tragic events in my life, and I suppressed it for many, many years. And I paid a price for it by being estranged from my daughters and grandchildren. Bridges have been burnt and for my own sanity I have given up hope on them being rebuilt. I have a chronic lung disease and my solace is going for a walk three days a week. Exercise, outside on a nice day, does wonders for the mind. My wife and I now have plans for a life in retirement and a brighter future, so that is my focus. I actively work on my physical health and that translated into my mental health. Some days are not easy, but others on this forum would be in a worse situation than me. I feel as though I have been gifted a second chance so I will take it.

LC 80

[Ken1]

Hi LC80,

I'm please that you've learned a lot about yourself over the recent years, and moreso that you were able to take big steps to help yourself. It can be so calming being able to understand the reasons behind they way you act and feel, and can help you more easily overcome those feelings and behaviour.

It's important to do things at whatever pace you feel comfortable and you saying that you've given up hope for your own sanity may be a good decision to keep yourself well.

It's great that you say you have a solace, and you're right, exercise that is done outside with the fresh air and Vitamin D is indeed wonderful for the mind. It's great that you can see the links between your physical and mental health. You carry a sense of optimism and gratefulness that is admirable.

I hope your second chance goes well for you, surely you deserve it.

Bonnie