Father no longer speaking to me

[Claudia_H]

Hi everyone, I’m a bit at a loss here. In February this year my Dad spoke to me (in person) and told me he felt like I was using him. I obviously was very upset by this. I am an avid gig goer- before Covid I would be at concerts and gigs just about every single weekend of the year since turning 18 (I’m 21 now). I usually would stay at his place and I would stay the next day to spend time with him so I myself didn’t feel like I was using him. My Dad conveniently lived 10-15 minutes from the city and I lived an hour or more drive away from the city.

I haven’t seen my Dad since that conversation in February.
I hear from him in March to ask what my birthday plans are. I told him I had plans already and suggested we go out for dinner the week after. I got no response to that and I get a TEXT for my birthday. I was really upset he didn’t call me, it’s not like it wasn’t my 21st birthday.

In between him asking what my birthday plans were and saying happy birthday to me. He says he needs my help on particular dates. I said I was happy to help and roastered the days off at my NEW job. My Dad wanted to pay me to take photos for his new business. I am a photographer. My Dad ended up TEXTING me and saying “love you ratbag” “sorry to do this to you but we have organised a professional photographer to do the photos”. I was utterly offended by this, I am a registered small business owner- I am a professional photographer. My photos would have been better then the photographers they ended up hiring. I saw the photos and thought they’d been a bit ripped off.

I decided that I am (for the last time) sick of having to put in the effort to have a relationship with my father. Him and myself both believe in that friendship/being in contact with people is a two way street. It isn’t two wayed here.

The next time I reach out first, in June and I only did because I got a new phone and number. We have a few texts and decided to catch up a couple days later. He didn’t respond to me and I didn’t think he was going to. He texts me a day later, the morning of the day we decided to catch up- I’d already made different plans. I felt bad but in saying that my partners family who live in a different state came up for a surprise visit. I told my Dad all of the days I was free the following week- I didn’t get a response and he hasn’t spoken to me since.

(To be continued)

[tranzcrybe]

Both you and your dad seem very hurt by this unfortunate sequence of events. I have so many questions for you if you so choose, but I shall start with only one...
Would you agree that most of the conflict is not through dispute but miscommunicated expectations?
I feel that you both may be very much alike and that can make things tricky to navigate. If you could place "for the last time" on hold, I hope you can find a way back to where you want to be.

[Petal22]

Hi Claudia H,

Wellcome to our forums!

Life is so so short……. please forgive your Dad for what you need to forgive him for ……. Just let it go…… I really hope your Dad can do that for you aswell….

Move forward with that and start a brand new relationship together…… ❤️

Make your future together as one worth remembering

[Claudia_H]

Hi transcribe, thank you for your response. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have for me.
I do agree with you however I have communicated with my Dad in the past and told him I would love it if he would contact me often. Like a text or phone call once a week. Which he has never done.

I didn’t get to finish my post because I run out of characters. I’m not sure if it will give more insight or not. In July I saw a post on Facebook that my Dad and his partner had moved house. My Dads partner made the post. They hadn’t told me they were moving house and this is something I would expect to been told. I was again upset because my Dad has my fish tank which is quite expensive. He had told me he would bring it over and I’d told him he could bring it over whenever he liked. I am unemployed so whatever time suited him would more than likely then not suit me. I don’t even know if he still has my fish tank at all. I had also previously asked Dad for some of my sea shells that he has of mine. I want to put them in my place as decor. He told me when he was going to go through the shed he’d tell me so we could go through it together. This didn’t happen and he definitely would’ve gone through the shed. I commented on the Facebook post asking what has happened with my fish tank and expressed I was upset Dad had broken his word. My Dads partner told me to call him so I tried, he didn’t respond and I messaged my Dads partner later that night asking if they were busy or if Dad didn’t want to talk to me. The response I got was that Dad no longer wants to speak with me. I’m very hurt by that and can’t fathom what I’ve done that is so bad he wishes to have no contact. I still don’t know where they live but I know in the city.

My Dad is very immature and I’ve always had a problem with it but never spoken up. I feel like he’s just being a child and doesn’t want to speak to me. In this situation I believe my Dad is the adult. He’s 55 and I’m 21. I’d like it if he explained what I’ve done that’s hurt him so much that he doesn’t want to talk to me. It doesn’t make any sense to me because I can’t think of anything I’ve done to warrant him not speaking to me

[Claudia_H]

Hi Petal22! Thank you for your response. I’m happy to build a new relationship with my Dad but he doesn’t want to talk to me. I’ve tried to contact him, I don’t even know where he lives now. He moved house without telling me. I only know because his partner posted about it on Facebook. I don’t understand what I’ve done that has warranted him not speaking to me. I’d like to know anyway

[Petal22]

Sorry your Dad doesn’t want to talk to you…… have you thought about sending him a nice text ?

[tranzcrybe]

Thanks for accepting my questions.
As much as I am curious, the intention is more for you to
consider the answers that arise from this discussion.
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Can we first look into why your dad felt you were using him? ...
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1/ From your post, it would appear you have followed the
same pattern (staying at his place) for three years - so why did
he wait 'til now to raise the matter?
Was this visit somehow different or awkward in some way?
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2/ Was it always assumed or agreed that you would be staying
over the weekends?
Sometimes we can feel taken for granted when there may be
something else we'd like to do instead (was the partner on the
scene then?) - imagine if he had to cancel a social engagement
to accommodate your requirements!
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3/ Do you feel there was some feeling of an inequitable
exchange of give and take which could have given rise to your
dad's comment?
Inviting your dad to visit/stay at your place would 'balance the
ledger' (even if he declined). You mentioned you would spend
the next day with him, but did that extend to shouting lunch
or treating your dad to something like a small gift in 'payment'
for his generosity? The gesture being the important part.
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