Family was not meant for me

[MikeJ23]

So I'm on here as no one I know apart from my wife but limited is interested in talking with me regarding my thoughts or issues really. Not that I would burden people with anyway. But the same people are happy for me to listen and provide solutions to their own major problems. Without wanting to depress anyone here but I have to vent my story after 32yrs of no one willing to listen.So I started life as a regular child 2 parents but a small family 2 cousins in UK and that's it. Come age 10 my mother died of cancer which I never knew she was sick until in hospital and then never got to say goodbye and after 2 days or so she passed. Doctor misdiagnosed her. My father remarried 2 years later and I had a step family from hell, I was the black sheep, for example while the rest got to ride in car to school, I rode, I was not welcome in my own so called family, now ive always been independent in thought although upsetting I just got on with things and thought one day I will have my own family and it will be as it should be. That family split after 4 yrs and my father not until 22 yrs later apologised for not taking care of me in my crucial years of development. Ive Been married now for 10 yrs and while my wife does listen she cannot help me with any of my depressed states when I compound my issues from my past and present,But the biggest thing I'm struggling with is that my wife is unable to have kids as we found out due to endometriosis and we tried IVF ECT many times ,this is not uncommon but I feel I am not meant to have a family of my own and as my wife is 6 yrs older than myself, I know I will be like many a lonley person if it goes that way, I always wanted a family of my own but I'm not going to leave my wife just because I wanted kids as she did too and I love her and that is the sacrifice I have to make obviously. She has a large family with 5 sisters and many nieces and nephews so she focus es on them some what as I used to but find it hard now. no counselor can assist me, that is where I get to my point in the 32 years that my heartache started that i diagnosed my conclusion is that I will always have times of depression because this the world we live in, it's how I work through the thoughts to then have my period of clean thoughts until the next triggers puts me back into my own psychology office. Depression and anxiety are my oppresers but they cannot control me, they only make appearances when I open an Avenue for them to slip through.

[PamelaR]

Hello Mike

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. Thank you for sharing your story. There is a lot there over your life.

Not having children is one of the hardest. I know, because, I too wanted them but after many tries, a premature birth and a still born. We had to make a really hard decision to stop trying because the pain was to terrible. Both my hubby and my family are small - very few relatives at all. Though we have friends who had children, who now have children of their own. We stayed connected with them through facebook. Mostly because we live in different parts of Australia.

What do you think about adoption or fostering? Either adopting from Australia or from overseas? I'm assuming you've discussed this possibility with your wife. Maybe it's not for you two.

One of the biggest things about not having children is to fill the void, that sense of emptiness. Find other avenues to fulfil your life. It is possible, though it never truly replaces the love of having children. So I do feel for what you are going through. It is very difficult.

I have anxiety and depression. These were only diagnosed about 7 years ago now. So all through the time of my miscarriages, premature births and still borns the only support I had was the social workers at the hospital. I think at that time I didn't want to talk about it. Just wanted to get on with my life. Leave it all behind. Eventually though when we decided not to try anymore my hubby and I did visit a psychologist a couple of times to talk through our plans to stop trying. She was supportive and helped us make the decision.

So maybe for you Mike, the really hard part is to make the decision, then move on with your life. Staying in the zone of trying and disappointment adds to anxiety and depression. Once hubby and I made the decision to stop, I started uni and a couple of years later we travelled overseas for an extended period. After returning, my life became finalising uni then focussing on my career. I've worked hard. Found external interests, over the years I've had a range of different interests e.g. folk dancing, photography, community radio presenter.

Now that I'm aging, yes I do think about not having grandchildren and that we've had to work through. The amazing thing is all our neighbours kids love to visit us. We have one lot over for dinner every couple of months.

I have yet to talk about other things you've mentioned. I'll start a new post for these.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[PamelaR]

Hi Mike

Yes, you are so right about anxiety and depression. When you open that avenue, it does take hold. It's good to see you recognise this.

It is unfortunate you don't have anyone to talk with about your concerns. Maybe now that you've found Beyond Blue forums this has opened up for you. It has for me. Because other than a psychologist, I never really talk about my issues with anyone. I do a little with my hubby, but he finds it difficult to know what to say. Though he is learning, that most of the time all he has to do is listen and doesn't have to solve it for me. It's taken him years though. My anxiety caused his anxiety and visa versa. We've been together now over 30 years and continue to enjoy life together. It's been difficult at times, ultimately I've found 'communication' is the key.

I used to be a person who had friends that all shared their problems, I'd listen, sometimes trying to help sort them out. But never talking about me. After some work with my psychologist, I've turned that around. I try not to engage friends in their problems anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm more inclined to try and find positives for them. I also have limited my contact with those who are really draining. And try to make friends with people who are more supportive of me. Does this make sense? What interests do you have?

Look forward to hearing from you Mike.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Traceyintassie]

Hi Mike, I’m happy to listen and chat with you. I was born in the UK also. I’m married and my immediate and extended family have never understood me or supported me.