Family issues are making me feel confused

[amba3454]

Hello,

I'm 18 and I've had issues with my family in the past. I was a bit of a troubled kid in high school, got mixed up with the wrong people - wanted to be independent and defied my parents wishes on just about everything. That being said, by the end of grade 12 I'd straightened myself out, graduated with good scores and my relationship with my family was looking up. Since that time, I've had a few spats with them, particularly my mother (we've never really gotten along). She seems to enjoy criticising me for every single thing I do and doesn't understand me at all. She thinks I'm just some stupid kid who will never get anywhere in life. So we get into little spats pretty frequently, nothing too major. Anyway, recently I got busted sneaking back into my house after a night out. I think my main reasons for sneaking out and not just asking to go out were that my parents are very critical of my personal life - who I hang out with, what I do, where I go, it never ends. And I just wanted to have new experiences out in the world on my own, separate from my family. I know that what I did was wrong. I put myself at risk, I worried my parents and I even endangered them by leaving the door unlocked when I left for the night. What makes it worse is that I did it more than once before I got busted. So I'm not saying that I don't deserve any kind of blame, I just feel like the punishment is unfairly harsh. They want to kick me out of home and cut me off completely, disown me from the family and cut me out of the will. They say I've shamed the family name and they are ashamed and disgusted as parents. I'm a little hesitant posting this because they always say that I play the victim card, that I try and get sympathy from others and don't take responsibility. I am taking responsibility, I know it was wrong. At the moment I'm getting the silent treatment and I've been shut out, they won't even look at me and I don't know what to do. They say sorry won't cut it. I just need advice. I want to move out with some friends later on in the year but I don't want to leave things like this, but at the same time maybe it's better if I move out and become more independent, learn more about myself away from my parents?

[Birdy77]

Dear Amba,

Just wanted to say welcome here and that you've been heard.

Goodness me, the reaction from your parents does sound rather extreme? You did the wrong thing, which you admit, but cutting you out of the will and kicking you out sounds pretty excessive.

Do you feel able to ask your parents to sit down and discuss what's happened, and maybe you could come up with a more fitting punishment together?

It would show them that you are grown up enough to admit you were in the wrong and owning your mistake.

Glad you've reached out here and there are many caring people who will listen to you.

🌻 birdy

[Quercus]

Hi Amba,

Yours is a difficult post to respond to because in many ways I feel what I say will seem uncaring towards you. I do care, I just understand some of your parent's points (shame and disowning seem like a strong reaction though like Birdy said).

You are an adult. However if you live in your parent's home... Their rules trump all. We see more of it nowdays (adult kids who stay home) and it only truly works if you accept it is not your house. It is yout parents house. Because you are no longer a child.

If you sit down and think about what you've been doing do you think they are the actions of a young adult respecting their parents? To be blunt I don't. I can see why your parents are fed up.

All people (even parents) have limits to what they can take and life experiences that shape how they feel. When you said your mum sees you as a stupid kid who'll never get anywhere in life... Has she ever said that or is it your interpretation?

Or is it possible she thinks you're not trying at all and has had enough? Or maybe she just cannot relate to the activities you want to do. Think of your Mum at 18... What sort of life did she lead? Is it very different to your own now?

I think making your own way might be a good idea. Your home, your rules. And it forces you to be responsible for yourself. Otherwise it is your gear that gets stolen, you that has to work to pay bills or your lease that gets terminated if you don't care for your house. How you choose to act affects you not your family. And you get to do as you please without judgement.

What do you think?

Now the hard stuff is said let me also say you're 18 and part of that is testing boundaries and having fun. Slowly you will learn to temper this with practicalities but there is nothing wrong with living how you choose to live. There's no judgement from me. I hope becoming independent will allow you to improve your relationship with your family but on your own terms. Noone but you gets to decide what it means to "go somewhere in life". If what your parents want for you isn't what makes you happiest than make your own way.

Nat