Family and Husband Relationship difficulty

[Frankilouise]

We have been renovating my parents rental house while renting it for 3 years now, the roof was falling apart so my husband said he would replace it. He then wanted to do extra renovations etc but we ran out of money so had half renovations and it has now been a year, a lot of money spent and a lot of my parents money spent on the house, and there is still parts not finished (only minor bits). My husbands business was going downhill and owed a lot of money. We couldn't afford rent, we owed months in rent at this stage and I was only working three days a week (we have a 3 yr old son). My dad lost it at my husband, he told him he was stealing off him, he was a lazy drug addicted scumbag. He said he has no respect. It was horrible. My dad kicked my husband out of the house, I packed up the entire house. We signed a new lease for a new house and were ready to move. My mum begged me not to move, she didn't want us to struggle with rent somewhere else and was worried. My dad said sorry for yelling, to my husband. We ended up staying and kept working on the house. I am now working full time, I still am struggling with money, I pay rent and childcare and food I can afford. Other than that my money is gone. My husband is working every couple of weeks, he always says work is coming, this quote, that quote. But when he gets work, his under quoted and we never make any money. He won't work for anyone else, he is so stubborn he will just work for himself even though it hasn't been working. I am slowly trying to build a relationship back up with my parents, but it is hard when you know how much they dislike your husband and he wants nothing to do with them. My husband drinks all the time, some days more than others and he can get angry (he has never hurt me but its always mental abuse/angry screaming fights). I have such anxiety, and some days such depression I can barely move. I barely leave the house on the weekends, I'm embarrassed at having no money, at being in this situation, at being so much of disappointment to everyone around me. I want the best for my son, I want him to be happy and healthy and well educated and go as far as he can. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Frankilouise, welcome to the forums.

I can hear that so much has been happening that it has all gotten a bit overwhelming sometimes. And I know there is a lot more of the story than this. So with all of what is going on I think I would be feeling it too if something like that was happening in my life. I admire your strength and things like money troubles are not important next to being a friend - I hope for others around you to recognise that too.

It took me a long time to figure out that the first step in turning things around for me was to care for myself even if it seemed I didn't deserve it at the time. Do the enjoyable things, absolutely think about reconnecting with old family and friends when ready (which took some time for me), I had to find a place for all that had happened because I had learned from it and it is part of who I am now, but most of all I need to remember to do the little things that help make me feel better.

I would welcome seeing you around the Beyond Blue forums, have a good explore and join in where you feel like it.

Rob.

[Doolhof]

Hi Frankilouise,

Welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue. It certainly sounds like you have a lot going on there right now.

Can you try to prioritise what you want to tackle first instead of trying to fix everything at once?

Your relationship with your parents is important. It is also difficult living in their rented home if it requires so much work. Would you consider moving out to remove that stress? Would you rent a house like that from anyone else? Can you talk to a Rental Tribunal place about your rights?

Do you want to stay with your husband? It is very difficult trying to run your own business if it is not making money. Does he have a financial advisor? My husband tried to run his own business but ended up having to close it due to not making any money. He is now unemployed.

Would you husband attend counselling with you? I know my husband didn't think it was at all necessary but it helped a little, even though he only attended twice.

As Rob mentioned, it is important that you look after yourself and your son. Try and be creative. There are lots of things you can do with very little money. Are you close to parks or the beach? Could you invite friends to join you for a picnic in a park?

For a bit of respite, can you contact Centrelink and see if you are eligible as a family for any benefits. Due to health concerns I can only work part time, my husband has no work and receives a small amount from the Government. It helps. When your husband does have work, you just declare it to Centrelink and they adjust the payment.

He will probably have to look for other work at the same time, something he may not want to do, but it might help him discover something else he could do.

You can call the Beyond Blue number on 1300 22 4636 and chat to someone who will be able to listen and offer advice as well. Look in your phone book for a Women's help number also. Any abuse at all is abuse, physical or mental. No one, male or female, elderly or child should have to endure abuse.

Hope this hasn't been too heavy for you! Just trying to help.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[pipsy]

Hi Frankilouise. The situation you're in is pretty drastic, to say the least. It must've been hard on you when your dad and hubby had their blow-up. You wouldn't know who to support (I actually would've walked away). I think you need to make a list of why to stay and why not stay in the marriage. It's often difficult to think clearly when you're constantly in conflict. If you want to stay with him, he has to come first, (basically warts and all), if you decide to leave him, I would have a talk with c'link, tell them your financial situation. After you've talked to c'link, weigh up carefully everything for staying, as opposed to leaving. If c'link can help you financially and you feel you'd be better off away, you've answered your question. I would also consider asking your Dr for a referral to a psychologist/counsellor, who will help you with any guilt feelings you may have if you decide to leave. Talking with a counsellor, should you decide to stay is a good idea too, as they can give you coping strategies. Your hubby sounds quite emotionally unstable and that's another thing to consider with your son. Your son needs to know he is safe.

Lynda.