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Hi was wondering if anyone else has had this or something similar happen to them and how they may approach it.
I've had anxiety pretty much all my life, mostly due to my dads behaviour after coming home from the Vietnam war. He was controlling, difficult and angry when I was growing up.
That said, he's recently been getting help through the awesome ppl at VVCS and is starting to say I'm now "just old enough to start thinking for myself" (I'm 35 this year, sad, I know.)
I've been getting help from VVCS too and it's been great.
Now, though, my parents -whom I'm living with- are starting to try to take over everything again.
Theyll push me off a chair I'm sitting on while eating breakfast (that I bought and made) and tell me that I'm "so useless, I can't sit there."
Theyll tell me my cooking is so appalling they can't bare to touch it, and will go and make a disgusting, watery broth or something and make me eat that instead. But then accuse me of not doing anything around the house.
theyll make a huge mess in the kitchen, yell at me to clean it up but prevent me from doing so.
If I dare say I have plans for the day...omg, the guilt trips come flooding in and the "you haven't done enough housework" and "you're not good enough at..." 's do too.
the horrible thing is, it's all too easy to play victim and say "they're right, I'm not good enough" even if I try as hard as possible to achieve something.
Its come to a point this week where because of all the nagging and put downs, I'm moving slower than ever, I'm making stupid mistakes, in doing and saying dumb things and getting lost/flustered so easily, this proving them right.
the harder I try the more I fail and the cycle continues...
how does anyone stop the cycle or prevent it?
Hello and welcome to beyond blue.
The after-effects of war on a person can bad - so I have heard and read. No first hand experience. But there is also a fine line between what might acceptable parenting vs unacceptable. It also sounds like you are at the end of your tether; there is a fair bit of frustration and sadness in your message. While I do not have personal experience with your situation, I can ask some questions and sit with you and support you as possible at this time. It seems your parents, or at least your father is a controlling and angry person?
Can I ask whether you act as carer? Are you OK financially? Do you also provide financial support to your parents? What would happen if you stopped providing support?
Or do you just live with your parents? Do you have any brothers and sisters you can talk to? Or are you the only child? Is there anyone, in the family or friends that you could talk to?
What is your relationship with your mother like? From the sound of your message it appears she sides with your father?
Would a conversation in which you confront your parents accomplish anything? Would you be able to tell them how you feel?
What options do you think you have in this situation?
Could you speak to someone at lifeline? Or seek help from a therapist?
I hope that you dont mind all these questions. You do not have to answer any or all the questions I raised. There are some things you could do that I have not mentioned yet. There might be other users in similar positions to yours that can provide the advice you are looking for. If you get nothing else from my post, please note that I am listening.
Hello CJ_mum, it seems as though you've been on the site quite often, and thank you for providing your time for a good cause, however, and I agree with Tim, there is sadness in what you have told us.
Don't take the negative view 'that you're not good enough', this is and has been instilled into you by your parents, who seem to be trying to push you out of the house, if so, there are places you can go which are furnished, where you are entitled to live until you can overcome any problems and can get yourself organised.
If you are receiving Centrelink payments then they can provide the bond money but I would like to know your position when you are available.
Hi CJs Mum,
I am new to this forum but your post has struck a chord with me.
My father was a WW2 vet suffering PTSD. He was in & out of hospital, then got better. He & Mum had 4 kids & then along came me, unplanned & unwanted. Dad attempted suicide a few times during the pregnancy & then immediately afterwards but survived.
I grew up scapegoated, literally being treated like a dog by my parents & siblings eg:I had to eat on the back steps, had to leave the room when my father entered because he couldn't stand the site of me, had to do all the house chores, and then when I was older was denied any support. They literally did not like me. Incredibly cruel & belittling.
There was a toughness in me though, because somewhere I knew I was a good person. I knew I was kind, could be a good friend. I was very good with children & a great listener. I was a good student. And I also refused to be their victim.
You say you are now making mistakes, going slower - that is like a self fulfilling prophecy. The more they tell you you are hopeless etc, if you let it sink in, the more you will be that way.
Look at all you have achieved - you are somebody's Mum, you seem to have extraordinary patience putting up with all their insults.
I think you can move forward - look at what you have achieved and even the so call mishaps, well, hey you survived them too.
Best wishes & take care