Fallout

[Journee]

Hi I’m new here but hope you understand. Fair warning lol pity party ahead....My hubbie died suddenly 8 years ago and things have gone from bad to worse. At first my 4 adult children were so supportive and couldn’t do enough to help me but now things are so different. My eldest daughter has turned on me totally and now at the age of 32 has told me that she doesn’t want me in her life anymore and that she’s never felt my love and warmth in her childhood. Total shock to me. She’s now moved overseas and taken with her their 2 boys so now I’ve lost one whole family from my life. Recently she has removed me from Facebook and WhatsApp as well. Now my youngest daughter who I thought I had a fantastic relationship with is withdrawing. Not to the same extent but isn’t visiting or bringing the grandkids round anymore. I feel so alone. I have a pretty ok relationship with my 2 sons but am second guessing whether they’re being genuine or just pretending like the girls have been. I live alone and don’t work anymore due to panic attacks. Therapist’s aren’t getting anywhere by their own admission. I try and be nice to people but feel so judged all the time. Don’t even know how to interact with people anymore and am withdrawing into myself where at least I’m away from criticism. I barely sleep even though I exercise everyday and try and eat as healthily as I can. I travel a bit but even that is getting less enjoyable now. I just want to live my life in the where no one can judge or pity me. What am I even here for. No one gives a dam about me. I’m just a burden and most of me died with my husband. Don’t know how to even try and help myself. Nothing works. I’m going to be one of those people they find dead in their house for months before anyone even notices. Help needed.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sorry to hear of your troubles. Very common in this forum.

I can relate to you losing your daughter and her little family as I lost the affection from my youngest daughter of two last year. Actually I never had it in the first place as her mind was brainwashed by her mother. But I do have my eldest daughter and we are close.

If you put the following thread title in search above you'll read about some methods of avoiding more hurt than you are experiencing now

the best praise you'll ever get

and

anxiety, how I eliminated it

Now since those threads were written I've studied myself further to find that distraction and occupying myself are two of the most powerful self help ideas around. Filling your life with sports, hobbies and interaction (clubs) might not sound great as it means challenging yourself, but once established you'll have a few friends and you'll be able to at least convey your sadness and they can with theirs.

Essentially find enough activity to distract you away from your daughter and allow your other daughter to come to you when she feels she wants to. Then sit back and listen to her and her life...in effect, be a mum. If the topic of your estranged daughter comes up simply say "oh well, she might come back one day, I hope so, it would be nice to have a united family again" or similar. I wouldnt involve her too much, in fat she is likely hearing the other side of the story from her sister and could be influenced.

There is no straight remedy to these situations but in the years you have left, you can live it with sadness most times or you can enjoy 90% of it and the other 10% think about your family's demise and loss, make that grief as short as possible then back to enjoying life again. I think about my other daughter on occasions and wonder how it could have been without the emotional abuse that she learned from her mother.

Use search- losing a child

I hope that helps.

TonyWK