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Falling out with an Old Old Friend

Community Member

In the past month I have been through the very upsetting experience of falling out with one my best friends for nearly 30 years.

We had planned go rafting for our other best friends 40th. L lives overseas and had with great expense paid to come home for this adventure. About 2 weeks before the trip a couple of other people had to pull out and all of sudden we didn't have enough people for the tour operator. Both my other friend C and I tried very hard to find some other people, as L was very annoyed and kept mentioning he wouldn't come if the trip was cancelled which none of us wanted. I then found another company that could take us but by then the weather had been so dry the river wasn't running and we couldn't go anyway.

L wasn't accepting of any of this and angrily blamed both me and C for the cancelled trip even though it wasn't our fault. We didn't pull out and we can't control the weather. We even suggested to do something else, as there were many other things we could have done. The whole adventure was for C's birthday, and an opportunity for us to all be together for the first time in several years, but L wasn't interested, that was all secondary to him, he was fixated on going rafting or nothing else.

The words L used to us had both C and I in tears, two 40 year old men.

L eventually decided to come anyway and go on a bushwalk by himself, we weren't invited. C decided to meet with him as it was easier to do that than explain to his kids why they couldn't see Uncle L. L wanted to see me also, but I had strong mixed feelings as at that point every message from L would cause strong fear and anxiety in me due to his relentless anger. I told him this but said we could meet if he wanted to. His response was to say he wasn't angry in one sentence and in the next that my comments were highly offensive.

A few weeks have past now and I am struggling with what to do. I don't want to lose my friend but I can't pretend it didn't happen and I can't apologise for something I didn't do. I wan't L to apologise for the hurt he's caused but he hasn't yet and I can't see him doing so. And if I confront him he'll just get angry and say it was my fault and become more angry. I have reached out once to him and had no response, he's shutting me out. I think he is angry at me because I have stood up to him, but in the end I am the one left feeling outcast. Now I see posts online of him with our other friends having fun and I feel sad.

What should I do?

2 Replies 2

Community Member

Hey Drew

l have had a similar thing happen different circumstance but friends for years too a change that to this day l still do not know why or what happened.

I did learn however that today years later it was not actually my doing and my feelings were not important enough to her to bother mending our relationship.

It is painful when this happens l often use to wonder whats going on in their lives but time did its thing and life moved me on too finally accept l could and should not have done anything about it.

l hope time shares that with you.

I reckon life is just wierd at times we do not chose to fall out with people especially the close ones.

I see groups splitting up alot actually l assume people are Simply chosing to change something via social changes.

All the best hope it helps.


Community Member

Thanks Giggles,

Sorry to hear that about your friend, I think that is what I am also having to face as well...

I think L is too proud to admit any fault or apologise, and is putting his pride before two friendships of nearly 30 years.

The hard thing for me is that we used to have regular weekly contact to talk about a team we both support with another good friend, whereas my friend C only talked to him every once in awhile... so he's been able to walk away from this and let it be what it is... whereas his behaviour has made it awkward with my other mate and I feel there's a gap in my life and it's harder to just let it go but you're right I think I have too.

If he wanted to make things right he would have reached out by now, if I had done him wrong I would have... I guess maybe he'll get back in touch one day and I'll have to decide how I feel about it at that point... or he won't.

The other sad thing about all this that I made him the godfather of my only child so that we would have a strong connection even though he lived so far away. My child is too young to remember any of this, so that's one good thing...

I've also seen L treat other people and girlfriends like this, I knew he had it in him, I just didn't think he'd ever want to do that to me, I thought he valued my friendship above anything else, like I do his... guess I was wrong...