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Falling apart....

Community Member

I don't really know where to start but everything just feels like its fallen apart.

Married for 7 years, together for 11 and two months ago, I told him I wanted to separate. Over the past few years, I've slowly begun to realise just how unhappy I was in our relationship, I felt alone, neglected, ignored, taken for granted. Several times I raised it with him just how unhappy I was but he never seemed to take me seriously or would just brush it aside. I developed anxiety and depression following the birth of our child but it took me over 2 years to realise just what was going on with me. I was not coping, in any aspect of life.... I came to realise that the relationship we had felt to me as one of convenience. I took care of all the household duties and childcare while he was working very hard to make his business successful. I left my career to join him in the business so that we could work together to make it successful. In hindsight, this damaged our relationship... I felt belittled and unappreciated at work and at home now.... he would sometimes put me down or make disparaging comments about me to customers, if I asked for help, he would ignore me but when I was doing a task that I knew I could do, he would hover over me and make comments on what I was doing wrong. This went on for 2.5 years until it got to a point where my self-esteem was so low, I thought I was worthless. In March, I found out he lost a large sum of money in a betting scam - even though we had a conversation about trying this thing out with a small amount of money, he ignored me and lost a lot of money, half of which was from my son's bank account. I think this was the catalyst for me beginning the process of separating.... I felt like all the promises over the years of buying a house were just empty words - he never seemed to make an effort to save money, to scale back expenses, to make this dream (I thought it was his dream too) a reality.

So I left - and in the process I broke down the walls he had kept so high around him for all these years, despite all my efforts to get through to him in the past. He's admitted that he is suffering from depression also.... and is seeking help.

Now, I feel such a bone-crushing loneliness, it makes it hard to breathe. In some ways I'm happier and feel better for leaving, in other ways I keep wondering if I should go back, sacrifice my happiness to make everyone else happy, in particular my son.

9 Replies 9

Community Member

hi loooodle,

you cant sacrifice your happiness for anybody, its no way to live, and resentment will grow and eat you alive. maybe seek counselling for yourself to release any unnecessary guilt. I stayed too long, and my relationship exploded, now I cant see my son, So by saving yourself you are actually doing them good. hope this helps. Peace.

Hi HeavyMetalDad,

Thanks so much for your reply. Deep down I know that my son deserves to have a happy mum (and dad for that matter) and that by going back I could do more harm than good. I already harbour some resentment which has been affecting how I see my relationship... Thankfully I have been seeing a psychologist but have found these feelings coming up more recently and I have an appointment with her next week.

I'm scared if I go back I will completely lose myself and I will become a shell of a person.... I've experienced this feeling in a smaller amount while we were still together and I know I can't live like that... I think I'm just struggling to adjust to being on my own after being with someone for so long.

Hi and welcome to beyond blue,

That sounds horrible and I really feel for you. My self esteem was taken by a man, and a woman and another man. Stuff that! It takes a while to rebuilt what was lost!

You are courageous for knowing he was unhealthy and leaving. He should have been building u up not tearing u down, leaving was inevitable I think as the human spirit/ mind can only endure so much.

Can a leopard really change his spots?? That's the million dollar qtn. If hes willing to change for u, which would take work I might reconsider.

If not, the grass will b greener on the other side. It has to b right?

Hi Guest_43256,

Thanks for your reply (and the welcome!)

I think I've struggled with self-esteem for a lot longer than I care to admit - since my early twenties, I never quite felt good enough for anyone or anything. I'm now in my mid-30's and finally feel comfortable with who I am and feel more confident than I ever have. But it took a real battering during the time I worked with my husband plus all the prior situations where I have felt ignored and used. I agree that the human spirit can only take so much and I think that after many years of suffering in silence, I'd finally had enough - which is why it may seem like its come out of the blue..

That is the million dollar question. Personally, I don't believe they can.. especially since we have had many conversations revolving around similar if not the same topics... all accompanied with a promise to change... of which that did occur briefly for a few weeks, but then old habits die slowly.. and he'd be straight back to where he was before and the resentment would build and build and then explode.

The grass may not necessarily be greener but it may end up being that its just me... and thats okay once I get through this adjustment period of being on my own again... i don't feel like i can rely on anyone anyway....

You'll get through the adjustment period. I am. I took a battering emotionally & psychologically. I still love the guy like crazy but I know I'm better off without him, no doubt, but it doesn't mean its easy. I just do it, I carry on, you have the will to carry on as well. You're sensible.

Thank you - I think that's what I'm struggling with, the adjustment from being together to now being apart. I'm struggling at the moment because he is very volatile and swings from being sad and low to angry and aggressive and then back to normal, like nothing has happened. I feel he is blaming me for his inability to deal with his emotions - as if its my responsibility to make him happy.

I recently started reading Buddhism for Breakups and am finding the concepts in this very useful. I have a long way to go and a lot of healing to do, but I feel a lot better than I did when I first posted.

Thank you! 🙂

Awesome news.

I was with someone that went through that stage but we r no longer together. Been upset today actually as I felt deceived by him. Some relationships can be a challenge. Today it all clicked & I thought no more contact. It' s really hard being with someone that has those attributes. How are you coping? Do u have strategies? Things you do that help?

For me it' s exercise, retail therapy, long drives, focusing on other things. I've had some councilling that also helped.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling upset.. its hard isn't it to distance yourself from those feelings and emotions, particularly when its someone you've been close to for so long. I hope that you are feeling a bit better today.. 🙂

I'm coping as best as I can, day by day... I think limiting contact for me is a great one, because I find he triggers me when he's pushing the blame onto me for how he is feeling. I've been trying to adopt some of the strategies ive read in the book I mentioned, not engaging being the main one. Trying to live in the now, not the past or the future. I saw my psychologist last night which helped to get some more perspective on things, I've started meditating, I go to the gym 3-4 times a week which has really been a god send for me. Much the same as you , I like retail therapy and long drives, except money is tight at the moment so its more like retail window shopping! But its a nice distraction anyway.... I've just been trying to do lots of different little things that I havent been able to do before, to give myself some time and some self-care - going for a walk, doing my nails, having a spa day at home...... little things to help...

Oh, the blamer, yep, have experienced that type of person. Bringing you down over their faults. Who needs it.

I also started doing more little things after the break up, so good to treat yourself. Just keep on going, you sound like you've got some great things going on. And you've shared some positive things. It just goes to show there is life after, even in between depression and anxiety. You have proved there is still positivity and life!! Good read!