Failing relationship, job loss and coping with children

[Knicky]

I feel like I'm coming undone.

I have 2 wonderful children, whom I love with all my heart and soul. But at the moment everything, especially parenting seems like such an effort even though I feel like Im functioning at the bare minimum. Feed, bathe, school runs, repeat. And Im becoming an angry Mumma, which I hate. Its not who I want to be for them. They deserve better!

I lost a second job through no fault of my own, and am struggling to obtain another, so sitting at home over thinking is driving me up the wall. And struggling to find work to apply for to meet my centrelink requirements is causing me mayjor anxiety.

My "friend" or lover, (what ever he feels like at the time) of over a year is also a huge point of anxiety, giving attention to another woman who we both know is totally in love with him, he fails to compromise on spending time with her because Im insecure and he wont be told who he can and cant spend time with, saying Im pushing them together and possibly would follow through with her out of spite. Yet he says he wants give "us" a real shot, and we have discussed and argued at length ways to self help and attempt to fix the relationship. I love him so so much and have tried my hardest to make it work, but I feel like Im fighting a losing battle as it always feels as though he will never commit to me and has one foot out the door at every point even though his words tell a different story. My heart so badly want to believe his words because once upon a time there was such a beautiful and amazing connection there.

However at the moment he is constantly pointing out my many flaws and crappy coping mechanisms and instead of being constructive, I feel Im always under attack for my personality and who I am.

I dont have a strong support network, I only have my Mum that I dont have a close bond with, and of the 3 friends I do have they are not strong friendships either, and I have exhausted them to the point of feeling uncomfortable in reaching out anymore.

I feel so sad, lonely and lost. Im at my wits end on how I can please my kids, keep the man I love, and just simply be happy.

I feel like life was just meant to be hard for me. Its never easy. I feel like Im always to blame. I dont know whats wrong with me and how I can never have that happy life I desire and try so hard for and keep failing at. What is it about me? I feel like I just want to give up!

[Croix]

Dear Knicky~

I'd like to welcome you here and tell you the thing the stands out the most - you are been treated terribly, partly by life, but mostly by that so-called 'friend/lover'.

Losing a job is he pits, and trying to cope wiht Centerlink and compete for another against umpteen others is quite bad enough by itself, it sends many right down into dark places.

This not only means not enough money, but you also have the huge task of being a single mum (yes even if you do have a 'friend'). You feel on your own and have all the responsibility and the work.

That 'friend' is making things a great deal worse. Instead of emphasizing all the good things about you, making you feel secure and supported, confident facing hardships together - he does the exact opposite, criticizing, threatening(at least by his actions) to leave, constantly dangle another woman in front of you.

So you feel hopeless, overwhelmed, angry, inadequate and all the things he wants you to feel. Some people have to put others down, so they feel good and in control. It is toxic. You are being poisoned.

As for the Angry Mumma bit -it is YOU that deserves better.

Without strong support from parents or friends struggling on by yourself is terribly hard, please try to find support wherever you can.

May I suggest you talk to people who are used to psychological abuse situations, get their perspective of how things really are and go from there? I'd suggest 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 would be a good starting point.

If you have not done so already you might think of visiting your GP and setting out how bad things have become for you, being checked for anxiety and depression is only sensible considering how you feel.

Please come back and talk some more, we do care and would like to see you happier and more able to deal with things in better circumstances.

Croix

[Knicky]

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, I really appriciate it.

I have been in tears for hours now and you have just reiterated what I have told myself a thousand times over.

Love is simply not enough.

The person I love is making me sick. That is most definitely toxic and I need to pull up my big girl panties and do what I know in my head is the right thing, and stop listening to my heart.

I recently followed this person to Europe, I wanted to prove my love. Instead all I did is make myself look stupid and have sent myself broke. I proved nothing other than what a desperate fool I am.

Im so tired of trying so hard and failing. How many times can a person get back on their feet, start life over again just to be knocked right back at square one?

I'm probably just being overly emotional. It was my Dads 2 year anniversary of his passing and my uncles 3 year all in the same week. Its that time of year when Im supposed to be happy and enjoying festivities with family, and yet they are all gone now and I keep reliving my Dad's final days of suffering from Oesophagal cancer and having him die in my arms.

I thank you for the resources you have provided and will make sure to utilize them. I cant go on like this. Im falling to pieces and I don't want my kids to suffer through it anymore :'(

[Croix]

Dear Knicky~

I don't want you to suffer any more either. Trying to break off is terribly difficult, and that is one reason why an outside perspective can provide the motivation and staying power to do so.

You may have used up some money but I do not think you have made yourself look foolish, what you have done is show him up. You are right -"love is simply not enough", it has to be two-way love. Then it is truly great. I'be been blessed that way, it does happen.

I also don't think you have been knocked back to square one, if you had you would not be here.

Dealing with Centerlink is hard, many people try to partition their day. I don't know what your daily routine is like. It is possible to set aside some time of a morning for job apps etc, and then try to spend the rest of the day dealing with other matters and forgetting the job stuff till the next day?

It can give the mind a much-needed break.

I'm sorry about you dad and uncles, anniversaries can be terrible to try to live through. If you can get some sort of coping thing organized that may make life easier. I can't suggest what becuse everyone is very different.

Some people go so far as to set a place at the table on the day for the departed, and then talk about the person, trying to think up the past good times. Others go out for the day, or if religious go to church or talk with a religious leader.

You are a sensitive and loving person, and I beleive your kids are lucky to have you for a mum (even if you cannot always see that for yourself).

I'd like it if you talked some more and say what you decide to do

Croix