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Expectation vs reality

Community Member
After reading some of the posts here I know I am one of many who is going through profound grief and that it is a process I will have to accept. My husband travels a lot for work in very demanding role. I work full-time and am also bringing up two teenagers so of course I felt like I was doing the majority of the 'work' at home which in turn, breeds resentment, and I longed for the day when we could go our separate ways however that looked. So about two months ago, after he had been away for four weeks away for work, we had 'the chat' and decided to part ways amicably. He was amazed that I was okay with it. And I was. For a week. Then the bombshell came out. He'd met someone while he was away that last trip and to top it all off, they have planned an overseas trip in July this year. Even writing this now my heart is racing with grief? anxiety? You can imagine the shock to me and the kids. I coined it SAGA (Shock, Anger, Grief, Acceptance) so I could make sense of my world. For the sake of the kids and our finances and because he works away so often, we've decided to keep our house until the youngest finishes high school in 3 years, and stays in another room when he's not working away. I thought I was getting along okay until yesterday morning when I woke and remembered a little thing, that he would always give me a little kiss on the cheek before leaving for work even if I was asleep. That thought set me off and I pretty much was a mess all day. Today is a work day however I just can't face it and am still a weeping willow. I never thought that I'd feel this strongly about a man who I knew wasn't going to be in my future. I keep thinking about the betrayal and deceit and have mentioned to him he should have been honest with me from the initial chat. He said he didn't want to hurt my feelings. I feel more hurt that he didn't tell me the truth at the outset and that he did not consider his kids when making a decision to travel with her before he moves out of the house at the end of the year. I feel she's pulling the strings and he's happy to go along for the ride. Emotionally I feel drained and it's going to be extremely hard for me and the kids to move on until he's moved out. I could sell now but financially it will be difficult. Is there anyone else here that may be in similar circumstances that could provide advice. Thank you.
6 Replies 6

Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello j66,

That's a real bombshell and I'm so sorry to hear you feel deceived and betrayed. It has not happened to me, but I know it has happened to others on the forums and I do hope they reply to you as well. It sounds terrible and I imagine you are really struggling right now, especially with the arrangement that you're currently in.

3 years will be a long time. My parents divorced and the house settlement didn't happen for two years for the same reason (my sister was in year 11). I know families are different, but it may be worthwhile speaking to a doctor or counsellor about how you feel and how to potentially look at cutting ties a bit earlier. It sounds like the longer you share ownership of the house, especially while you are living in it, the worse it will be. And having him in the house until the end of year with all this hanging over your heads doesn't sound like it will be healthy for you.

Anyway, it sounds like times will be quite rough for a while. It's really important to have a good support network so reaching out here is a great start, and speaking to your friends and family will be helpful also.

The Relationships Australia website also has a fair few resources for you to look at:


Also, one thing we do encourage here on the forums is to not only make your own thread, but also post on other threads where you may feel a connection to. There are a number of other people who have posted about similar situations. Perhaps you may feel better by replying to others as well.


Community Member

Thank you James for you kind suggestions.

I find when I speak to others I tend to make light of my situation, that everything is rosy and there's nothing to worry about. I think I self-sabotage a bit...

You are right about cutting ties earlier, I will have to seriously look at my options and see what I can do.

I will definitely have a broader look around this site and post where I can.

And thanks for the link to relationships.org.au - I will check that out now.

PS - Looking at my rather long post I think I should have paragraphed it!

Community Member

Hi J66,

On the 28th of April my husband of 10 years told me he was having an affair and was inlove and ending our relationship. We have 6yo and 4yo daughters. I also feel betrayed and found phone bills today going back 6 months of the lies and deception of their affair. Im 43 and don't know how to start my life again without him.

I gave up my career so he could persue his ambitions. He also worked away so had the time and opportunity to persue his affair. I had no clue this was going on behind my back, so find myself unemployed, destroyed and feeling worthless. I dont know who she is but he says hes inlove, i imagine she is younger, more beautiful, skinnier and more successful.

I am like you always smiling and being brave and stoic with friends, but on the inside I am broken and lost. You are not alone, in your feelings of betrayal and pain as im experiencing the exact same feelings today. He couldn't have hurt me more if he tried. Just know you are not alone in your grief and we pray it will get easier in time xx

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi j66,

It seems that you were somewhat comfortable with the idea of separating originally until it was revealed that there was someone else on his side, which has changed the rules from your perspective (understandably). I can understand how hard that must feel for you, you are starting back at square one and it must feel as though he has moved on already. However, you need to get and put her out of your mind. The reason that I say that is, early relationships fail more often than not and leaving one relationship to walk straight into another is a recipe for disaster. Instead, you need to focus on you. As hard as it is, go through the grieving process that you have to, look after number 1 for the time being, if you need him out of the house so that you can grieve in peace, send him to a hotel. I assure you that you will be in a much better place than he will be a few years down the track.

Community Member

Hello Emily

Thank you for your kind words of support.

I am so, so sorry for what your husband did to you and your girls. Even though I wanted out of our relationship I can't believe the grief I am feeling so I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. It is so hard to focus on anything else yet we still need to be there for our children as life continues on around us.

I'm going to try looking at my life now one day at a time to get through this dark period.

You are so right in saying we are not alone in this and I hope that one day in the not too distant future we will be looking at the world through fresh, happier eyes xx

Community Member

Hello Juliet

Thank you for your wise words. Yes I did want him out of my life, I just didn't expect it to hurt so much but I guess that's betrayal isn't it.

He tells me he's going overseas with her to 'lick his wounds'. I'm not quite sure why he feels wounded but anyway...

I'm going to carry remember what you said here for a long time...I assure you that you will be in a much better place than he will be a few years down the track.

A friend said to me 'whatever you do, don't take him back'. I was outraged, as why on earth would I want him back. Grief is a strange thing. It certainly does make you forget all the bad times.

So from today I will put her out of my mind and start living one day at a time.