- Beyond Blue Forums
- Caring for myself and others
- Relationship and family issues
- Expectation vs reality
- Subscribe to RSS Feed
- Mark Topic as New
- Mark Topic as Read
- Pin this Topic for Current User
- Printer Friendly Page
Expectation vs reality
That's a real bombshell and I'm so sorry to hear you feel deceived and betrayed. It has not happened to me, but I know it has happened to others on the forums and I do hope they reply to you as well. It sounds terrible and I imagine you are really struggling right now, especially with the arrangement that you're currently in.
3 years will be a long time. My parents divorced and the house settlement didn't happen for two years for the same reason (my sister was in year 11). I know families are different, but it may be worthwhile speaking to a doctor or counsellor about how you feel and how to potentially look at cutting ties a bit earlier. It sounds like the longer you share ownership of the house, especially while you are living in it, the worse it will be. And having him in the house until the end of year with all this hanging over your heads doesn't sound like it will be healthy for you.
Anyway, it sounds like times will be quite rough for a while. It's really important to have a good support network so reaching out here is a great start, and speaking to your friends and family will be helpful also.
The Relationships Australia website also has a fair few resources for you to look at:
Also, one thing we do encourage here on the forums is to not only make your own thread, but also post on other threads where you may feel a connection to. There are a number of other people who have posted about similar situations. Perhaps you may feel better by replying to others as well.
Thank you James for you kind suggestions.
I find when I speak to others I tend to make light of my situation, that everything is rosy and there's nothing to worry about. I think I self-sabotage a bit...
You are right about cutting ties earlier, I will have to seriously look at my options and see what I can do.
I will definitely have a broader look around this site and post where I can.
And thanks for the link to relationships.org.au - I will check that out now.
PS - Looking at my rather long post I think I should have paragraphed it!
On the 28th of April my husband of 10 years told me he was having an affair and was inlove and ending our relationship. We have 6yo and 4yo daughters. I also feel betrayed and found phone bills today going back 6 months of the lies and deception of their affair. Im 43 and don't know how to start my life again without him.
I gave up my career so he could persue his ambitions. He also worked away so had the time and opportunity to persue his affair. I had no clue this was going on behind my back, so find myself unemployed, destroyed and feeling worthless. I dont know who she is but he says hes inlove, i imagine she is younger, more beautiful, skinnier and more successful.
I am like you always smiling and being brave and stoic with friends, but on the inside I am broken and lost. You are not alone, in your feelings of betrayal and pain as im experiencing the exact same feelings today. He couldn't have hurt me more if he tried. Just know you are not alone in your grief and we pray it will get easier in time xx
It seems that you were somewhat comfortable with the idea of separating originally until it was revealed that there was someone else on his side, which has changed the rules from your perspective (understandably). I can understand how hard that must feel for you, you are starting back at square one and it must feel as though he has moved on already. However, you need to get and put her out of your mind. The reason that I say that is, early relationships fail more often than not and leaving one relationship to walk straight into another is a recipe for disaster. Instead, you need to focus on you. As hard as it is, go through the grieving process that you have to, look after number 1 for the time being, if you need him out of the house so that you can grieve in peace, send him to a hotel. I assure you that you will be in a much better place than he will be a few years down the track.
Thank you for your kind words of support.
I am so, so sorry for what your husband did to you and your girls. Even though I wanted out of our relationship I can't believe the grief I am feeling so I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. It is so hard to focus on anything else yet we still need to be there for our children as life continues on around us.
I'm going to try looking at my life now one day at a time to get through this dark period.
You are so right in saying we are not alone in this and I hope that one day in the not too distant future we will be looking at the world through fresh, happier eyes xx
Thank you for your wise words. Yes I did want him out of my life, I just didn't expect it to hurt so much but I guess that's betrayal isn't it.
He tells me he's going overseas with her to 'lick his wounds'. I'm not quite sure why he feels wounded but anyway...
I'm going to carry remember what you said here for a long time...I assure you that you will be in a much better place than he will be a few years down the track.
A friend said to me 'whatever you do, don't take him back'. I was outraged, as why on earth would I want him back. Grief is a strange thing. It certainly does make you forget all the bad times.
So from today I will put her out of my mind and start living one day at a time.