Ex GF suffers from pretty bad Depression and Anxiety

[worried_broken]

Hi Everyone,


Im struggling with dealing with my ex pushing me away and then final then she
needed space which tunred into broken up. While its been short it was intense,
in the 3 serious relationships ive had(11.5 years total). I have never felt so
sure about someone, this is the girl i want to grow old with. She has bad
depression and anxiety. Very bad breakup/ex/emotional abuse/and i think he
cheated on her (12+ months before) This is eating me. Firstly I suffer from
anxiety brought out by quitting marijuana after 17 years of smoking it. Which
if iget myself in a state theblack dog will say mate. Qutiting weed hardest thing I have ever done. I saw a
doctor, worked thru it all and got back to happy me. Now fast forward a few
months, I started talking with a girl id meet online. We instantly clicked (I
had spoken with a few other girls but no spark, boring conversation. We instantly
hit it off. That went back and forth for a week. I asked her out, we met up.
And chatted for 6 hours over beers (she loves her beer). Thats how much we
where into the conversation to the point we kind of snapped out of it and the
place was empty. We left it was raining outside. Both said we had a lovely time
and it was great we both weren’t some creepy lying weirdo. We both stood there
nervous as hell, we shard our first kiss. It just felt right. We
messaged each other back and forth two days after. It just came so easy,
natural. Our only difference was is a big Heavy Metal fan and I’m a Hip Hop
fan. But I also own a bit of metal as she did hip hop records. We both collect
records. She invited me to a hip hop show. We had a ball. She stayed at my
house that night. Yes I know this is quick. We hung all day. The
messaging/phone calls didn’t stop. We hung a few times a week. Around a month
into seeing each other we talked about what we were both after. We both said
relationship, her first. She also brought up she didn’t want to be a booty
call, rebound. I
think he cheated on her and a few friends new and didn’t tell her. She had to
quit her job, move back to the city. Said she suffered depression/anxiety. I
told her the same thing; I told her I was cheated on. I was falling for this
girl big time as she seemed as well. It came so easy, we talked about
everything. One night she says ive fallen for you big time, I say the same
thing.

[TheSteve]

Hi mate,

Thanks for sharing your story. Please pardon me if I have it wrong, but is the girl you write about in the latter part of your post the same girl you have just broken up with? I'd like to hear more so we can help you out, give us some more clarity and we'll circle back and talk. Thanks.

Steve

[worried_broken]

Yeah mate, same girl. Sorry Steve, i have literaly written a 5 page essay on everything thats happened. Up
until the end of September I had no reason to worry or think anything weird is
going on. We are still showing the same affection, love, hanging out, two
nights before I last seen her we had sex. Was by far the best sex life ive
ever had. She also had said the same. About two weeks before the last normal
message she came to my house unannounced, and acting weird, sat on the couch
opposite me. And said we need to talk. I was thrown for a six. Asked do you
think we were working, I replied yes of
course, where’s this coming from. Asked her why she had asked that, whats her
issues with the relationship. She said I don’t know, couldn’t give me an answer
except that it had gone very quick, quite serious. I sensed she was scared of getting hurt again.
I stood her up looked into her eyes said I love you, and I told her im not going anywhere. She said
sorry, my depression is getting to me a little followed with I love you.
We agreed to slow it down to just a few days a week. 

[worried_broken]

This
is when it gets confusing/weird/my anxiety is going nuts by now/im also
starting to feel depressed/worried. I leave her to sleep, expecting a reply or
a call. Lunch time comes around nothing. I’m a little baffled, but not worried
etc. 130pm comes. Now I’m like what the. I try and call. No answer. 30 mins
later she calls. Very sad tone in her voice. I don’t feel too good (not sick,
I’m depressed) says she just gona get some designs finished and have a day to
herself. I freak a little but don’t let her know. She says don’t worry where
not breaking up. You know I tell you everything. I reassure her thats fine you
do what you need Hun.) As shed said she was depressed I didn’t want to push it.
She says I’ll see you early tomorrow, I’m sorry. I again say its ok Hun. I love
you is exchanged. I’m starting to get worked up now. Anxiety etc. Next day she doesn’t
rock up, I call her no answer. I then get a call saying she thinks she needs
some time alone, some space. Assures me again we are not breaking up so I give
her space. No mention of No contact. I send her two messages over four days
saying I love you. Nothing distressing just sending my love, i don’t say im worried
etc. I am though, I’m besides myself, ive worked myself into a state. Started
drinking a lot. And i mean a lot. 1,2 bottles a day for almost two weeks. I
don’t work. Barley eat anything except takeaway. I get no replies. I still
leave her be. I then send the same type of message but the start I say you
wanted time alone, I’m here for you whatever you need. . I say I don’t get why
you haven’t replied you know I would be worried about you. I understand you
want space etc. but not replying to me. Even if its I’m ok. I haven’t harassed
you, rocked up your house etc. I’m generally concerned about you. I remind her
of all the good times. There were no bad. We never fought etc. I stupidly
mentioned you know ive been thru some personal stuff and theres something I’d
like to tell you. But said it’s not fair to drop it all on you now (I was
talking about my alcohol/pill binge where a friend found me. I
get a response within 30 mins. That starts Hi and my name. Instantly I know
this is going to be bad. And yes I know something was a miss, but as she had depression
anxiety emotion abuse etc. I know you tend to push people you love away. Ive
lost a few mates myself over my illness. Says not replying because she needed
space. . She thanks me for not harassing her. She’s
very grateful etc.

[TheSteve]

Hi mate,

Thanks for sharing and clarifying, much appreciated. It is a tough situation.

Depression does funny things to people, but it is likely more than that. She seems to have issues with each of commitment, love, happiness, contentment, and so on. Some people feel that, when things start going right, that it just can't be and they pull away. They freak out. Come apart, run away. It seems you have one of these mate and she needs help, the type that all the love and attention in the world can't give her. This likely goes back to her early years and experiences at home, followed by experiences at school and then early relationships. Combined, they have done a number on her.

If you try to go in too hard, she will push you away. Then you will feel the pain, become depressed, and begin your own destructive cycle as evidenced above. There is only one healthy way for you personally to deal with this - that is by relying on you, and you only, to pull yourself out of it. There can not be a co-dependency here as it will be most unhealthy for the two of you. You have to focus on your own stability - no booze, no drugs, no pills. Yes, you can feel sad and depressed. But this is temporary, this is not your true nature. This will pass.

A healthy you is the only positive outcome, and is the first necessary outcome. Once you have removed your need for her, and only have a need for you, then you are much more able to help her if the opportunity presents. She needs a doctor and counseling, no doubt. But you can only suggest this when you have got it back together, and no sooner.

You should go and see a counselor too mate, very important to talk these things through and stay on top of it lest it gets on top of you. It is important not to let it linger, deal with it today. Then rebuild. Exercise, good diet, work (not too stressful, just what it takes to stay busy), family and healthy friends, good circles of people. You can fortify yourself so the next time you are in a relationship, it is a healthy one and not a co-dependency.

Come back and chat, we are here for you every day. Thanks mate.

Steve

[worried_broken]

Hi steve, yeah i figure that was the case. While i feel helpless, all i want to do it help her. She has said shes got support etc. The last reply i got she said yes I agree we do need to talk. I sent a pretty bad message when drunk. No name calling etc. Yo clearly said 3 times where not breaking up. Now this. Your hiding something. I have the right to know. I never gave you any impretion you couldnt talk to me, nor did you. This makes no sense at all. We go from perfect to this, theres no inbetween. I
want my keys back tonight. She still has them. I know this message has just made everything so so
much worse. I have absolutely no recollection of this night, the weekend
in fact. I pass out literally on the floor. Wake up to see a reply from her and
read what I had written. I literally dropped my phone and it smashed. Was like
NOOOOOO what have I done, you idiot. When
you have calmed down, let me know, there is no rush. We can catch up at a cafe
(neutral ground). Keep in my mind no mention what soever of all her stuff
at my house. Still hasn’t asked once. I send a long apology; this couldn’t
be anymore truthful if I tried. Was mortified, disgusted in my behaviour, my emotions took hold as you given me
nothing except your depressed and you feel you didn’t spend enough time single
after last relationship and your pretty messed up in that regard. Why have you
changed what you said? Saying miss communication. Perfect to this. Apart from your depression. Nothing bad. We never fought. Obviously something has caused this/triggered your depression. Did I do something? Are you scared I’m going to hurt you like your ex partner did? And yes I know the txt I sent has hurt
her. But previous to that. Ive never lied, was never mean. Never gave her any
reason to doubt my love. Personally I think she is scared of getting hurt. I
Remind her of some memories. Assured her she has no reason to be scared,
worried etc. That message was not me, I know you know that. My door is always
open or coffee somewhere. We clearly need to talk about this. I
ask her if she’s seeing a doctor( previously when she first mention she was
depressed, she said her mum had said maybe you should go see your doctor, you don’t
want to mess up what you’ve got with this guy, he sounds lovely, her words). i know this might sound trivial, but she is a massive user of social media, yet hasnt unfriended me etc. And is looking at my profile a lot. Been seeing my doc for three weeks now.

Thanks

[worried_broken]

She hasn’t replied (be three weeks tuesday) Last thursday i posted a pic on instagram of a paving job i did and i noticed she unfollowed(maybe a way of saying shes angry for the txt i sent or why havnt you called me?)she is a big user, so I was expecting her to block unfollow on all social media. Just weird she hasnt unfriend on Facebook. It could be test/bait to get a reaction, as in ill say/txt something hurtful. Realisng i havnt changed she can then unfriend and has a valid reason. Or she just wants to stalk still. Or shes trying to tell me
shes angry without saying it. Or see if i notice and say something (which i
havnt) Or She is generally worried about
me and just creating a bit of distance for herself. I am all over the shop with
this. She is hardly posting either on the public setting which she used to a least once a day. Now its 1-2 times a week. We don’t comment or like any of each other’s posts. As I’m pretty good on a
computer I know for a fact she’s been looking at my profile a lot. No I haven’t
hacked her account. Facebook algorythym inspection. That would be so wrong. Over a few days I get pretty drunk again, didnt write anything bad. I never thought id have to go thru this again. But I
start to post pretty depressing songs, about depression, death etc. Terrible
idea. I then finish with I love you songs (a lot of them). She’s still looking
at my profile a lot. I snap out of drunken haze again. And again literally have
no recollection of doing it. I instantly delete them. The next day I put a post
on my wall saying sorry to everyone and that I don’t want any sympathy or
justification because of my issues as my behaviour is disgusting. With a part saying
ive pushed all of this onto someone I care about so much and it sickens me to
the core. And that I need to do me and show people I’m the guy they love and
care for. I honestly mean this. And state that ive stopped drinking. It’s
been 19 days sober as of today im also feeling a lot less depressed, anxiety is pretty full on still. Drinking was obviously not that. I only have posted happy things and a few sad ones (my dog’s
anniversary and two mates anniversarys, all taken at a young age.) A few people
comment giving support. I thank them. I know depression causes people to push people they love away, but we
always talked. Im more on the side that she got scared as it got so serious and
didn’t want to get hurt again, even if she said she was happy and over the ex.

Thanks

[worried_broken]

I
know i haven’t made it any better with my txt message. I only juts managed to

collect up all her stuff and put in a cupboard last week In 11.5 years of
relationships(three total). I never once felt this in love, comfortable, able
to be my true self. I am

utterly gutted. My mind is a wash and when i try to think about i get depressed
and just want to get drunk to forget
about it. I feel terrible for not messaging her but im scared of pushing her
further away. The last txt i sent i told her how much she means to me that ill
wait for how ever long it takes i just want her to be happy. Im planning on
messaging or Calling( not sure on that one, if i don’t get a reply leave it a day or two and
try again) so we can go for coffee and to talk. I keep expecting to come home
from work and either shes been in my house as she still has keys or there just
in the letterbox. Her stuffs still here, Not a lot, makeup and what not is
replacable, but theres vinyl records, dvds shed just bought, clothes, art
stuff. Thats why im convinced shes had something happen that day after shed
left. She would of just grabbed all the stuff, i would of been nun the wiser.
Had no reason to think this would happen. I really am hoping and keep asking
myself f she really doesn’t want me in her life, shed just return my keys or at
the very worse chuck them in the letterbox nad not worry about her things. Rather than risk me going to her place to get
them. I Hope shes keeping them as a way to say. Just hold up where not thru, i
just need to sort myself. I understand that yes we aren’t seeing each other, and
yes i may be clutching onto hope, but i don’t know if its a break or what, the
simple fact is she still hasn’t said where broken up, thru, go away, i don’t
love you, nothing apart from she thinks maybe she didn’t spend enough time
single coupled with shes dealing with great amount of anxiety and depression
and she needs to be alone for now. Im really holding onto that Alone for Now.
Its honestly the only thing thats keeped me positive since i stopped drinking. Obviouslly
everything ive said has got me into the state im in, ive managed to control my
anxiety quite well prior to 5-6 weeks ago. You wouldn’t even notice. Its social
anxiety when going out, meeting new people(as i was always stoned all the time,
sometimes drunk or on drugs) Then the black dog came back to say hey mate. And
it tore me a new one.

[TheSteve]

Hi mate,

Just checking in, how is it all going for you? Some advice - try not to overthink any of this. You can't figure it out when confused and so emotionally involved, sometimes you need to let your mind go quiet, and be still. This is often the best way to see through the fog.

Let me know how its going, we are here to listen. Also, I never got your first name mate.....

Steve