Estranged from daughter and grandkids since new boyfriend on the scene

[Jaygray]

Has anybody helped supported and had a great relationship with their daughter only to have their daughter estrange them for the sake of their new boyfriend?

My daughter has done this twice and with grandchildren involved. It has broken my heart to bits. I feel used betrayed and shocked that she would treat me so nastily after all I have done for her and the kids

My emotions are up and down and I’m sick of feeling so hurt It has effected my partner and my other daughter, and although they have been supportive, there are times when they get angry with the situation and I feel the repercussions

My first point of discussion and advice I need is how to deal with Xmas next week. I presume my estranged daughter won’t come over for Xmas day but go to her new boyfriends for Xmas Should I still send her an invite to Xmas or stay silent How can I even invite her as it is only condoning her bad behaviour?

I feel I am wrong no matter which way I act It is also her sons 3rd birthday on the 27th December and I am fearful of jeopardising any opportunity to get an invite to it

ps I have only seen my grandchildren once in the last 6 months (2 weeks ago) as she was desperate for a babysitter so she could have mediation with her ex partner and father of her kids

Any comments and feedback appreciated

[white knight]

Hi Jaygray, welcome

No it wouldn't be condoning her behavior if you invited them for xmas. An open door policy means just that, if that is what you are offering her and her boyfriend? Relationships especially between older adults and younger ones are a "lead by example approach".

I cant read between the lines on any squabbles you might have had with your daughter but I do believe grandparents risk a lot if they don't slip into the grandparent mode fully. By that I mean that if grandparents even hint to their children they are disappointed in the upbringing of their grandchildren or the lifestyle of their children then they often lose their family. I'm saying this because it has happened to my sister and I. We dropped all contact with our mother 9 years ago. There was just too much interference, manipulation and judgements. I'm not suggesting act this way but any even small level of comments about her lifestyle or her childrens needs and the grandparent role is compromised. Just be careful.

As long as your grandchildren are not abused, love them at any opportunity. Support your daughter in her decisions. Get to know her chosen partner. Do offer baby sitting and BE the best one around, easy going and thankful.

Also sometimes people enter into another family only to find they fit in better in that one than their own. This is not a case of losing her, its a case of her finding comfort for whatever reason. Xmas is a time when adult children run around trying to please everyone. Many years ago my wife and I decided the 27th was our xmas day. That meant on 100% of the time we had all of our family there with them having spent their xmas days with the inlaws families. Think of the advantages- less traffic on the road, they don't eat as much (they are full of roasts already), you get to see your grandchildren, no rushing off to the other family etc. It works.

This leads me to my final point. Your daughter knows how much you are hurting. She might not be using her kids as weapons but that is what it feels like. Best to backpedal, be loving and nurturing and be careful of where you could be perceived as over stepping that fine line of authority. Let go of any lingering apron strings, she is an adult now and has her own set of problems like her ex, managing visits, trying to find love and balancing her household....

She needs your and she needs that warmth.

Best of luck. You could start by asking her if she would like to do some xmas shopping with you??

TonyWK