Estranged adult child

[Lily48]

It's been almost a year since our adult daughter decided to reduce drastically contact with us. This was a result of a difference of opinion between her father and her male partner. Her reaction to what he told her was said seems disproportionate. In addition, where we had close and regular contact with her two daughters, our daughter will not allow them to visit us. I have experienced the five stages of grief and loss and now have reached a degree of acceptance that things will not change in the foreseeable future. I have tried texting, emailing, asking what she needs for us to heal this rift, but it seems there is no chance of reconciliation with her father. While she doesn't want any contact with him, I get an occasional phone call or email, but the loss of close contact with my grand-daughters is heart- breaking.

[Zeal]

Hi Lily,

Welcome to the forum!

It's a shame your adult daughter no longer wants to be in contact with your husband. If you have defended your husband (which is understandable), then she may have extended some of the negative feelings towards you. Is your daughter's male partner as up in arms about the disagreement as she is? It's good that you have tried to mend this family rift. However, your daughter will probably need to sort this out directly with your husband, as the disagreement involved him. If your husband and your daughter's partner are able to come to an understanding about the disagreeable situation, this would help to pave the way for this family distance and tension to be resolved.

Try taking a step back from this situation. So, try not to email or ring your daughter too often. If she feels pressured, she might feel the need to stay distanced or even retreat further. It sounds as though your daughter might need time to get over what happened, however minor it may have seemed to others. Some people, simply because of their personality, find it hard to let go of issues and are stubborn, which makes forgiveness more challenging.

It's good at least that your daughter does still contact you sometimes via email or phone. It's a real shame that you and your husband cannot see your granddaughters. Hopefully, with time, your daughter will realise that the presence of her parents and of her children's grandparents in her life is important. If you don't mind me asking, how long has it been since the disagreement?

I hope this situation can mend itself over time.

Best wishes,

SM

[Lily48]

Thank you for your perceptive comments. The original incident occurred in August, 2014. And yes, part of my current decision to try to accept the situation and just maintain hope for the future, has come as a result of working through the grief of this lost relationship. With positive self-talk, I can enjoy the other varied facets of my life, but there are times when the  situation overwhems me. Fortunately, I can speak to my Grand-daughters by phone when they are at their Dad's home, which is mostly alternate weekends, but as we live 4 hours' drive away, seeing them is challenging. 

[July]

Hi Lily,

Family disagreements are so upsetting, but very common and to stop you having contact with your grandaughters is unfair as they are the ones who will pay the price for their mothers resentment at this  time and as you live some distance from them it makes it harder, I assume you daughters partner is also  somewhat controlling the decision to ban contact because of the disagreement which is unfair, he is not the biological father is he, if so he has no right to make that kind of decision, if he has a problem, then its between the adults and has nothing to do with the children, but yet is using them as pawns in a game, very immature behaviour.

Keep the contact up when the girls are at their dad's house, so they know they are important to you, it is not teaching the kids good resolution skills, your daughter should never put someone above her own children, she can only control them until they are 18, they will then make their own decisions, I'm not sure how old the girls are now.

Partners will come and go, but your children are forever and their needs should over ride anyone else, I can understand where you are coming from I have two little grandaughters and I would be so upset to, maybe there is some miscommunication between her dad and partner, but without resolving it the problem will create more of a rift, keep trying to talk but don't be  door mat, people treat you how you let them, so keep your boundaries and she will hopefully come around.

In the mean time carry on with your life and I'm sure this will eventually settle, just be there for the girls and show them a loving caring grand mother.

All the best

July

[Lily48]

Thank you for your comments, July. This has been a difficult 12 months - new territory for us, and a situation I had never expected. It helps to hear other people's thoughts, many of which are  extremely perceptive and reassuring. And yes, I have allowed myself to be taken for granted in the past, so boundaries are important. Our Grand-daughters are in their early teens, very bright, capable and extremely perceptive, regarding this current situation.  I am confident that they know we love them and will continue to cherish them. So for now, phone contact must be enough.