Entering the world of dating after a long term abusive relationship

[rhinoceros]

Hi everyone

I've posted here while I was still in an abusive relationship, and after I left it. I can't begin to express how much I appreciated the support.

I'll try and be concise. I was with my ex girlfriend for 5 1/2 years. She unfortunately is a covert narcissist. There was a lot of emotional and verbal abuse. Instead of leaving, I spent a long time trying to 'fix' the relationship with the belief that it was my fault she was unhappy/angry etc. Intimacy and sex was a huge issue for us. She had little to no interest most of the time, and early on I had issues with anti-depressants that didn't help either. When she was interested in sex, I really had no choice - saying no was not really an option - she would go into a rage.

I've been out of that relationship now for about 1 1/2 years. I had a huge breakthrough recently, where I went on a date with someone. Despite having intense anxiety and panic about it, I managed to do that. It went well.  I did mention I was more after friendship initially. It went well enough that we met up again a couple days ago - again I was less nervous. 

It's tricky- I am interested in this person and would like to spend more time with her. Unfortunately I have a lot of issues with intimacy and sex, caused by my ex. I don't associate it being a positive thing really, rather something to be frightened of. I Just the thought of it really causes me to feel anxious. I wouldn't even know how to begin explaining it. I see a Psychologist and while I've made some progress, it's still an uphill battle.

With that said, it would be so sad if I missed out on potentially a good relationship on the account of my ex. One part of me wants to reach out to this new person; I genuinely would like to see her again. Yet another part of me is very frightened. 

I'm very down in the dumps today about the whole situation. My depression and anxiety is really challenging me. 

Has anyone else been in a situation like this? I  would be so grateful for any help.

[Juliet_84]

Hi rhinoceros,

Firstly, I wanted to congratulate you on having the strength and courage to leave a situation that was toxic for you, and I’m glad to hear you are making huge steps towards healing. And a big, and also stressful, part of that is dating again. I understand how terrifying it must be for you to put yourself out there, particularly given the issues you had with your ex-girlfriend around sex etc. I have a medical condition and have a similar problem where I feel terrified of disclosing it to people and having the potential fear of rejection. But, what qualities do you want/need in a partner - I imagine empathetic, understanding and compassionate are part of that list. And what better way to see whether a person has those qualities than to explain your situation and see how they respond with you. If they respond negatively, then you don’t want to be with a person like that anyway. And you need to have the courage that if they respond negatively, then they aren’t your person. Your girlfriend wasn’t particularly understanding or compassionate and you survived and that was a more involved relationship than this. So please have faith in yourself - the reality is that you will only find the person for you when you are truly yourself. 

[Croix]

Dear Rhinoceros~

I think Juliet_84 has made an excellent suggestion, to talk about this with the person you are dating. It may depend on the nature of that person how soon you talk about sex and intimacy, this is something you  will have to decide. Not easy however worth being straightforward so the person is forewarned. You would not want them blaming themselves or thinking you no longer like them.

You have come a long way from the person that cancelled a blind date recommended by a friend.

As you have long term unpleasant experiences with intimacy it's not surprising that those negative associations linger on however intimacy is a two-person matter, and cooperation and empathy are needed. Sometimes one has to rely upon the strengths of another for a while - and that includes intimacy and sex.

I hope this person is the right one for you, and you for them.

Croix

[rhinoceros]

Thank you Juliet, that's very kind of you to say. It was quite an ordeal to leave that relationship. Dating again sure is stressful, and so is the fear of rejection. It's one of the scariest things I've done. My self esteem is still very low to begin with, mostly as a consequence of my ex. Unfortunately as you said, my ex was not understanding or compassionate at all, not only with me, but to all people. 

I think I'll have to find a way to briefly explain why I'm currently the way I am, being upfront and honest. That is so scary just thinking about it. I am very uncomfortable about talking about that part of my past, and feel some kind of embarrassment or shame around it. Like you said, if she doesn't respond well to that, I guess I know things won't work out. That will be hard to deal with but that is a possibility I shouldn't discount.

Today I'm focusing on getting through the day 5 minutes at a time. I'm really in a twist at the moment. I wish this process was a little less stressful!

[rhinoceros]

Hi Croix, thank you so much for your message

It's hard to know when to mention sex/intimacy. I think your advice about being straightforward is wise. The last thing I'd want to do is cause her to think it's because I don't like her; nothing could be further from the truth. It's something I really struggle to talk about, and feel a lot of shame and embarrassment about.  Even if someone gives me a hug and it catches me off guard, I tend to freeze, like it's something threatening, something to be very afraid of. At the same time, paradoxically, like most human beings I actually miss human contact and that kind of physical connection...  I feel stuck between a rock and hard place.

I'm still shocked that I managed to actually go on a date. It was incredibly nerve wracking in the days leading up to it, but I'm glad I pushed through all that. Hopefully this works out. 

[Juliet_84]

Hi rhinoceros,

I feel for you so much as I am terrified of intimacy and letting my guard down so someone can see the real me. Quite often I have also ended things before they began just so I didn’t have to go through it and deal with the unpleasant feelings. But what’s the point of that if the outcome is really the same as the one I was most afraid of??? Everyone has something that they are insecure and fearful about rhinoceros, literally everyone. And we are all just afraid that someone is going to see us and reject us. I worry that someone will reject me for my medical condition, but honestly what kind of jerk would do that? And if they do that, then realistically I can’t be with that person, as I can’t will myself not to have a medical condition. Like me you need someone with understanding and empathy, and those are the qualities you want in a person anyway. Unfortunately you and I have to fast track that screening process and open up with people before we become comfortable with them, but it’s honestly not as big of a deal to other people as it is in our own mind. In reality, your ex probably didn’t even have a huge issue with it, it just sounds as though she was abusive and likely used it as a means to belittle you and make you feel insecure. In all honesty, if a man opened up to me and showed me their vulnerable side, not only would I find that incredibly endearing but it would also make me comfortable to do the same. You just have to find the person who makes you comfortable enough to be yourself. 

[Croix]

Dear Rhinoceros~

Yes to open up about something so intimate after such a long time of being abused is more than difficult, and choosing the time to do so is too, though if your new freind is a sensible or caring person even if you get the timing wrong it would probably be ok.

There is nothing wrong wiht saying you have been emotionally injured - because it is true - but it is not a life sentence. With patience and understanding from both of you matters may end up better than you could have imagined.

Please do not forget that it's not all about sex and physical closeness, it is offering so many other things as well, and you do have lot to offer as a caring and sensitive person. Even you harsh experience has a positive side in you now have wisdom, about yourself, relationships and what might work well.

Croix

[rhinoceros]

Thanks Juliet for your reply, it means a lot. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels terrified to let my guard down. In the past I've done a similar thing, where I stop things before they start so I don't have to be vulnerable with anyone. I sometimes forget that we all have things that we're insecure about as silly as that sounds! I agree, there's no way I'd ever dream of turning someone down over a medical condition... and I guess I'd like to think that it would take someone pretty awful to reject someone because they were abused in the past.

I think you're spot on about my ex too. Every facet of the relationship was about control and power. Sex is something that we all can feel very insecure about, and she used to that to great effect with me to obliterate any self-esteem or confidence I may have had. I have to try remember that realistically most people are not like this.

[rhinoceros]

Hi Croix

Thanks so much for your reply.

It's such a hard thing to speak about. It took quite a lot of nerve to even talk about it with a psychologist. It takes quite a lot of guts to talk about things like this. I think as a male too I can imagine some people potentially thinking it was a sign of weakness to allow myself to stay in such a bad situation so long... I'm trying not to see it that way.

Sometimes I forget this is not a life sentence! Until a few weeks ago I had more or less resigned myself that this is how things were going to be. Actually facing a lot of my fear and anxiety and going on a coffee date has changed my perception of thing hugely. So even if things don't work out with this person, I think there are more positives to take away than negatives.

I completely agree with you regarding sex and physical closeness... I think in my previous relationship there was no closeness or intimacy of any kind, sexual or otherwise... so it's something that feels kind of alien to think about. 

I'll be having another coffee date this week so hopefully that goes well and my nerves don't get the better of me.

Thanks so much

[Guest_1584]

Hi there op and yeah l remember l think it was you and your ex situation.

l know how hard it must've been but you should be proud of you for breaking that cycle .

wITh this new girl , l agree with others l'd def' try to talk about things. Believe me if she feels the same way and is a nice person , it will all actually bring you closer if anything.

But if not then she is not someone you need in your life right now nor the person you thought she was buttttt. Any decent lady would be patient understanding and appreciative and feel even closer to you.

Good luck.

rx