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Ending a relationship/marriage- the best way

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Lately, especially post xmas, Beyond Blue has had numerous new threads about breakups. Posters are seemingly lost and insecure as they battle their way through the myriad of feelings, emotions, assets and children. But it is the grief level that is common among these people as they juggle their sadness with their demons.

There are many things in life we are never prepared for. I mean, at school were you ever educated about how to break up with your boy/girlfriend? how to manage your money? how to raise a child? how to light a fire? How to avoid violence? etc. So life's skills in these areas are learned...the hard way. No wonder some consider suicide.

Those thinking suicide should read at least the first post of the thread 'think b4 you act'. From a brave poster that survived his attempt only to suffer many operations just so he can live a life. And in 1996 I planned mine. Thankfully my dear daughters 7 and 4, their future without their dad, meant more to me than my own infinite sadness. Soon I might enjoy grandchildren!! And my grandchildren enjoy me.

So, you've read the above thread that is recommended. You are suffering enormous grief. You might be now living at a relatives place or temporary . You've likely lost your neighbours, pet/s and in laws.What do you do?

Firstly, if you can, once the choice of not returning to your partner has been made- finalise your separation. Settle if you can all assets. Do not contact him/her after that has been done (unless you have children). If you do your grief period will be extended. Allow yourself to grieve. Friends might take you out to help but if you do not want to go- dont. Keep yourself busy- hobbies, activities, groups, get fit, travel, seek out old friends, plant a garden, satisfy your spiritual needs.Relax.

Rebuild. When ready go out on dates but if you dont want a relationship then dont have one. Dont fall victim to "what is expected of you". You are free so feel the freedom. If you miss your ex partner then do yourself a favour and remember the reasons the relationship failed. If you do desire to be reunited then start off as friends again, take it slow.Dont be pressured. Counselling?

Children involved?Your most important obligation is to your children, their needs which includes their healthy relationship with their other parent if that parent was not abusive.Seek middle ground with your ex on matters with your children. Never demonise your ex in front of your kids, only praise. Keep communication open.

Tony WK

3 Replies 3

Community Member

Hello Tony,

I know your advice is dependent on someone already having moved out.

However you mention leaving the pets in your post. Do you or anyone else know what someone can do if they cannot take the pets with them but are afraid to leave them in the care of their partner? 


Hi Grateful,

Just having a bit of a look around the posts and came upon this one by WhiteKnight and also your comment regarding pets.

I'm having a real battle as wether to stay in my marriage or to leave and it can be like walking through  a  mind field trying to work out what is best to do!

Regarding the pets though, people could telephone emergency animal shelters and see if the people there have any suggestions. Family members and friends might be able to help out short term. One of my friends has been looking after a couple of finches for me until I have decided if I am staying or going!

I suppose it depends on where you live as to what services are available. I am not sure if phoning the local council would help. Or even a Vet, they may have suggestions of boarding kennels as short term solutions.

I know with all the recent bushfires, people have been coming out of the wood work so to speak to be able to help all of the creatures affected. So there must be services available, they just need to be located.

Yes White Knight, Communication is the answer!

From Mrs. Dools



Hi Grateful,

No I dont know any gurther knowledge. And Mrs Dool as usual had some ideas

In my case with my first marriage my young children benefitted with the dog being left with them and their mother. I used to walk 3 metres into her property to pat the dof every fortnight when I dropped off the children until one day she stopped me doing that. Only then did I regret leaving the dog there but again, it was for the kids not me.

It is a good question- what you can do with your pets.

There once was an Aussie song called "I'll take the dog" where all assets were divided until it came to the dog.....and because they couldnt agree they remained together.