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end of the road
well i wrote out my story to post and i was 7000 characters over the limit! guess I've got a lot on my mind. So here's the short version, 8 years into a relationship, 1 year into a marriage, my wife suddenly seemed to change, and didn't like things about my character. She'd lost her mum 2 years before, and seemed to get down into a bit of a hole after that I was concerned enough at the time to suggest seeing someone about it, she didn't take it up. She's always had her ups and downs, but about a year ago it just seemed to increase and just keep on going on a slippery slope. It didn't matter what I said, she would have a negative spin on it. Not just me and her but everything about her life, disappointment in work, disappointment in friends, disappointment in family, feeling disconnected to people and that she hadn't achieved enough in her life ( only 29 and had achieved a PHD, unfortunately the dream job didn't follow ). Out of nowhere we started fighting, when we never had before hand for years, and she continued down the slope. Many job rejections followed, and she ended up saying she wanted to kill herself (not in a joking manner, in a i'm really concerned and worried manner) after one rejection and broke down. Not long after this she was looking for many escapes from our life together, all sorts of trips away. But ended up taking off on a drive around the country. While she was away she called me on day and said if we are going to continue our relationship i need to tell you something. She told me she was in love with one of her co-workers and had been ready to leave me but they had told her she needed marriage counseling.
We kept talking from here until one day she told me she had no energy for our relationship and that she just couldn't give me what i needed. We kept trying to work things out after that and she eventually came home for a period......and started to try doing a course at home.....but couldn't get into and took a job away..she'd finally started to admit that maybe something else was going on there could be some depression, ie seeing a psychologist looking at beyond blue..
but at this point,she's told me she wants to be alone and has no energy for the relationship, needs to focus on herself and has moved her stuff out of the house,i think my marriage is over.She's told me she has doubts in everything,but that includes me and can't live with the doubt that maybe there is someone else.I'm feeling lumped in to all the bad feelings.
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I’m really sorry to hear of your situation – the bottom line of the doubt you have will be very hard to remove.
There’s been talk of your wife getting counselling, but do you feel that you might benefit from some professional advice as well? Perhaps, perhaps a visit to your local GP and then see what flows from there?
Also do you have any mates that you might be able to have a chat with – even one, just to help you through this current patch, which is a bloody awful one.
Would love to hear back from you.
Thanks Neil for your reply,
I'm traveling ok and have engaged counseling services for myself.
And I have a good bunch of friends who have really stepped up to help me out with this one. I'm a generally optimistic person, and have put in place a bunch of things to help me through this. Its just a awful feeling and like someone has died.
I know life isn't fair, but what has happened here, just doesn't seem fair, and seems more about my partners internal demons than anything i ever did to her.
I just dropped in to say that I have read your story and I'm really sorry about what has happened. You're right, life isn't fair but what is happening to you sucks. There is a lot more I would like to say however without knowing the entire detailed story I must refrain. What I will say is that I am glad you have a good support network, I hope your wife gets the help she needs and that my thoughts are with you. I admire your strength in getting your story out here
Great to hear back from you and really awesome to hear of the positives that you’ve put in place for yourself. Engaging in your own counselling was a super idea. I hope that it has helped – or that it may continue to help as well.
Brilliant to hear about having a good bunch of friends; as not all the time we are able to say this; some friends can be only fair weather friends, and when times get tough, they aren’t there for you. But this sounds heaps positive and for them to step up for you at this time, that’s just awesome.
I also love your last comment, that said: “… seems more about my partners internal demons than anything I ever did to her”. That is a top attitude and hang on to that – it was her doing with all of this and I’m really glad that you’re aware of this. It was nothing you did.
I hope that you’re able to continue to fight and keep your positiveness happening – keep searching and seeking out assistance from counselling, friends; and if you’d like to continue, I know there’d be a lot of people here who would like to know how you’re travelling – myself definitely included.
Still kicking here,
not doing great, find i'm going to work and going through the motions, but everything hits me in the afternoons, I get into my car to drive home, and when i'm alone in the car, i just end up crying, it doesn't happen everyday, but its been happening. guess you just have to let it out at some point.
Doing exercise and catching up with people, talking to friends etc.
Find it hard..........still going WTF.......is this real, did this last year and a bit of my life happen.......and what did it mean for the rest of the relationship before that? Was the whole thing a mistake.......was i that bad a judge of character........was she? who knows.
thats the hardest thing......thinking whats it all mean.......and i don't know..........
like I feel like i loved her with all my heart..............well if what my heart is telling me now than i did........isn't that ment to be enough? yep love struck romeo...........and feeling like i love so much........and now it seems like she didn't care at all......
for sure some guilt as well........i know she was struggling and i tried to help..........but it wasn't the right kind.......or i couldn't feel how she was feeling...............i get her not wanting to feel like she did.........but i don't get how i could have possibly got her there...........or how i would have felt the same in the same situation. guess thats why they are feelings not logics 🙂
feel like she's run away from a feeling.......want to shake her and say.......i'm not the feeling.........and that it probably just going to pop up again when you stop running...........but it won't be my problem then.