End of a relationship, self-care tips?

[jemma09]

I ended my long-term relationship recently. It was something I took a lot of time to think through and to decide. This is the first relationship I have ended where the person is someone I have cared a lot about and loved. 

They were very upset, which is understandable. I tried to be there with them and listen. However, they became disrespectful and began to send me nasty messages and call me names. I asked them to stop, they wouldn't. They had said it should be expected that I must accept it from them. I started feeling heated as I did not like being spoken to in that manner. So I put a boundary in place that I needed to step away and would give them time to process and connect with them again the next day. I did that. They were very annoyed and stated I left them to fend for themselves. They feel I am in the wrong. I tried to remind them of my boundaries and explained that - I am getting better at that. I am glad I could stand up for myself. It is not easy though. They did reach out to some friends for support, which I am glad about and it is good practice for them to do that.

I did upset me when they called me names, I know they were upset but I did not expect this and it was disappointing. We are still in contact a little and texted today - it was very draining for me. They were more respectful, however, we have very different viewpoints of the situation. They want to talk on the phone once more as closure. The plan is this will be neutral and give us both a chance to farewell and then cease contact. I agree with that plan. I want to completely move forward and for it all to be finished. I am very tired. 

I wanted to post here as a way to express myself and to ensure I am not causing friend burn out. As since I am in a 'moving on' process, I am trying to be careful not to push my emotions onto others. I have told my friends that also. I have decided to buy a new journal to express myself. 

My reason for writing is to seek advice for self-care. Do you have any tips for self-care and regulating emotions during this time?

I am trying to practice acceptance of the situation and acceptance that the other person is upset, and try not to take their responses to heart too much. 

I do have a therapist, however my next appointment is not for another week or so. 

I do know I made the right choice for myself and my wellbeing, however, it was still not an easy choice by any means. I want to try my best to move forward. 

Thank you for reading. 

[Bob_22]

Hi jemma09,

I love your profile picture. I'm sorry to hear about your relationship and the trouble surrounding the break up. It sounds like it's been exhausting and tough on you. I'm glad you recognised the toll it's taken and come here. It's also great that you've been talking with friends and set boundaries. This is very healthy practice. Try not to worry too much about your friends. I'm sure you would do the same for them if they were in your position. 

In terms of self care I enjoy art therapy. I get to go to art therapy on saturdays once a week/fortnight and express myself creatively for a few hours. It is also a great time for me to reflect, connect with others and learn from other people's journeys. I also enjoy going to the gym and talking with friends. Journalling is a great idea also. I would also recommend relaxation exercises when you feel things are getting on top of you. There are some great ones demonstrated here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/relaxation-exercises 

I hope this helps. Please let us know how you go and that you have a good session with your therapist. 

Bob

[white knight]

Hi Jemma

Bob has suggested an idea I'd never think of- art therapy, sounds a very creative idea. I could imagine myself splashing colours onto a canvas, a colour for every feeling and staring at it for ages later.

I would like to ask you to read the first post of the following thread some years old now. It was a reflection upon my time post separation from an abusive marriage to a very cruel person. I had two young kids then also so my being separated from them took its toll. A week prior to separation I'd made the one and only attempt on my life so you can imagine the survival mode I was in trying to rebuild my confidence.

I hope you are ok, you write as if you are determined and confident you made the right decision.

8 weeks after my then separation I dropped off my kids and my grief was overflowing. I confided in a friend at the caravan park I was staying at and he stared at me when I said I'm thinking of returning to the marriage... "dont ever go backwards" was his recommendation... nothing else. lol. I didnt.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/relationship-split/td-p/359242

TonyWK

[jemma09]

Hi Bob,

Hope you are well today!

Thanks - I find my profile picture to be a nice reminder! 

I appreciate that, it has been a lot but I am managing. I am getting better at spotting when I need support as well. All in good practice. I didn't think about the friends that way, I always worry I am bothering people so end up stepping back sometimes. I had a friend let me know today they are happy to be leaned on for a little while as I do the same for them so that was lovely.

Oo, I love the idea of art therapy. I really enjoy art too. I am glad you can join in each week. That sounds lovely. I'm not sure if my city has something like that. Even so, I have an art set up at home and recently actually bought some new metallic watercolours ... so I could give them a try! Those are great ideas. I like those relaxation exercises too. 

This has helped a lot! Thank you very much.

I hope you have a lovely day, 😊

Jemma

[jemma09]

Hi there TonyWK,

Hope your day is going well so far!

Yes - I didn't think of that either and I in fact love art! This is why I love hearing from others as there are so many good ideas. I am going to give art a try as Bob suggested. 

I read through your posts and they were quite reassuring to me. It shared an understanding and also a hope. I am glad you made it through those times to be here today. And that you never went backwards. 

I love that advice. We can keep moving forward.

That's what I've been thinking of a lot - my future and how bright it is. I am in such a good position right now with my career, I am so excited. 

I am doing alright at present, thank you. I am absolutely determined! I know it was the right choice, it's just getting through the yucky stuff and going from there. Some moments feel like grief, some like relief. It's like you said in your post, the logical mind is so important. I think in my journal I will write down those thoughts. I know I will not go back to the person, but it will help remind me why I left. There were some very important reasons. 

Thank you again for sharing and have a nice day!

Jemma 😊

[white knight]

Thankyou for replying.

Throughout my 67 years I've always had a need for clarity. Life can be so insecure for some of us and it was 34 years ago that a friend introduced me to Maharaji Prem Rawat.

He might help, he might not be your thing. But you'll know when you hear both of the following, use google. He has many more on Youtube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhrtbBrMQ1Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3aFh7OJMNA

TonyWK

[jemma09]

You're welcome 🙂

Thank you for those suggestions also.  I hope you have a lovely day 🌞

[jemma09]

Hi everyone 😊 I hope you are well! 

I wanted to give a quick update. 

I am really struggling today. I need to work this week, I'm just going to try my best.

My discussions with the person started well and neutral, but it became emotional. It was very harrowing for me. I tried to be patient, however, I also had to be very clear about my preferences and decision. As the person was in the bargaining stage of grief at times - and it was overwhelming to hear all of that. 

I am worried I have said the wrong things, but I feel it was best I be clear as I am not comfortable trying the relationship again.

I do not know what I am supposed to do now. Talking to them again brought no closure, it just made it worse. The things they said to me. Gosh. I feel horrible after speaking to them. This is the worst I have felt. I do not want to question myself and my decision. I will keep to my decision because I know it is right. I just wish I knew what to do now, and how to sit with this and everything they said. I do not know what to do with all of their words in my mind. I want to try really hard to keep productive and not allow their words to cause me to not care for myself. I will keep up with my self-care best I can. I was looking forward to my future, however, that feels so clouded at the moment with sadness. I hope this will go away soon.  

I hope one day they can see how much it took for me to listen and be patient with them, to allow them some space to be heard. It was a big sacrifice on my part to do that because I knew it would impact me. Hopefully one day, they will feel better and heal. I still wish them all the best. 

I am grateful that I was able to share with them how important the time we had together was to me, even if they do not believe me - at least I was able to share it. 

Thank you for reading. 

[white knight]

Hi,

There is a few reasons to continuing on conversation with a person you've separated from. They are generally-

• You want to make sure you have made the right decision
• You want to display some empathy for their pain
• You could want to continue as friends
• Property division
• Sharing friendships
• A child/children shared arrangements

However, there is very distinct lines not to be crossed if you want certain a future. Eg  I shared 2 children with my first wife. We could reluctantly talk about the kids needs but as soon as she said "so are you seeing anyone now"? I'd say, " think I have to go".

If you continue talking to your ex partner about why when you have already told him then you are doing both of you a disservice because in effect you are continuing the relationship... unless you want to be friends. Even so a break is in order.

What words he said during your latest conversation is mere rebound of feelings and grief. It's normal. To minimalise the being said again, simply stop talking to him. If he cant be avoided suggest to him to text you as the only form of communication you will allow. Then you have time to think about your answers and block him is he becomes abusive.

TonyWK

[jemma09]

Hi TonyWK,

Hope you're well today, thank you for replying. 😊

I appreciate those topics... I can actually answer the prompts mostly clearly! 

• You want to make sure you have made the right decision - I am sure. 
• You want to display some empathy for their pain - Yes, I do. The phone call I had with them was for that purpose. However, I will not be able to do more than that. 
• You could want to continue as friends - Unsure if I want that or if it's possible. It is dependent on their behaviour and comfort levels of both parties. 
• Property division - N/A
• Sharing friendships - N/A
• A child/children shared arrangements - N/A

Yes - I agree. I do not want to continue the conversation about reasons - it has been communicated and there is nothing further left to say. It perpetuates the cycle otherwise. I have already decided texting will be the only form of communication from now. I understand the normality of grief yes, I am starting to feel better now that the logical mind has stepped back in. I have been able to recognise their statements more easily as their grief. Since I typed my post earlier that logic has returned, thankfully. My apologies if my previous post lacked that clarity, it was typed in my feelings of grief also. 

Texting definitely will allow time to think further about answers. A break from talking generally sounds like a good idea until perhaps we decide if being friends is comfortable or suitable. I will communicate that I will take some time to myself. I also have everything set up in a certain way. I have left communication to only one form of social app which is kept on a separate device. This allows me to have choice, control and distance. I often will disable notifications as well if required. The app is smart as it also allows me to disable call functions, which I will set up now. 

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate the reminders, this helps me to stay strong. 

I hope you have a wonderful day! 🌞