End of a relationship and now I feel lost

[prodicalxxi]

Hi all, 

First time poster here.

Late last year I separated from my fiance of 2.5 years in a some what ugly scenario. The relationship only ran for 3 years but the level of the relationship was a huge step in my life. She helped me gain the confidence to try and meet my father for the first time, the meeting of which he stood me up at. After that failed meeting I felt I didnt have confidence in anything anymore, didnt want to work, didn't want to go out and it put a huge strain on our relationship. I could see the cracks happening and decided I needed to step away because the way I was cracking was toxic to both of us. I said I needed to move home with my nan for a month or two just to work myself out. During that period I was admitted to hospital to get myself medicated correctly and on the right track. 

The day after I was admitted she proceeded to tell me she couldn't do it and turned her back on me and started basically a hate campaign against me at my old jobs and with my old friends saying I abused her and cheated on her.

The problem I have to do this day, I still struggle with everything and can't let go completely. Everyday I wake up and hate the fact I wake up alone and dont have her by my side.

I honestly have no idea what I'm doing anymore with work, friends, family. Everything is up in the air and its killing me

[white knight]

Hi Prodoxical,

Welcome to BB forum.  Your story is a common one. You are certainly not alone.

You dont mention children so I assume there arent any involved. Thank heavens. I have two and they were young and it tears your heart out even more.  but separation from any loved one is grief, not mere sadness. It is really hard to swallow.

I can say time heals somewhat. But in your situation you can make some changes to your routine and lifestyle to cause a change of direction....from grief to short bursts of grief. Which is much easier to handle.

Changes within your grasp can include - workplace, environment, finances and friendships. Groups and clubs or if that isnt your style - hobbies etc.  For me it was finding a block of land and planning to build my own home.  Before long I was so busy and tired I didnt think about my ex.

So think about this please.  It is common sense. But common sense isnt present in a person when emotions rule. 

Best of luck. 

[AGrace]

Hi Prodoxical,

Welcome, and thank you for sharing some of your story, I know how much courage that can take.

I agree with WK in that the end of any relationship can result in having to deal with grief. It sounds like you have experienced more than just the loss of your fiance in a short period of time. I'm guessing when your father stood you up it felt like you had lost him all over again, and after a nasty "hate campaign" you've also lost colleagues and friends. So it comes as little surprise that you would be grieving still as unfair as it may be. 

This being said you mentioned that you were admitted to hospital some time ago, are you still accessing professional help? Do you think it would be worthwhile to get some grief counselling? Are you still in contact with your nan? If so, are you able to speak with her? Are you working currently? Have you been able to form any new relationships since last year?

I don't want to steer too far away from your story, however I wanted to share with you my experience with grief and loss... My father had numerous affairs from my childhood through to adulthood (I cant remember how many times I lost him to another family), I lost my first boyfriend to suicide, after being sexually assaulted I lost my second boyfriend and the baby that eventuated from this abuse (i also lost my ability to trust and my dignity), I lost my most recent boyfriend of 10 years because he couldn't put me before anyone else in his life, and I lost all of my friends, my job, and my colleagues at the end of last year...The point of sharing is to say that you aren't alone in how you feel. I completely understand that all of this has an affect on hope, trust, stability, and confidence. 

The horrible thing about loss and grief is that you cant get around it, under it, or above it...you have to work through it. I take each day at a time. To help with the process I take medication, I see a mental health professional, I attend group therapy sessions, and I make an effort to have a balance in pleasurable activities and "me" time. So far I'm slowly letting go of the people, the trauma, and I'm rediscovering myself. So it's definitely a process, but one that I know you will be able to take in your own time. My biggest piece of advice is don't let it fester, and don't try to go through the process alone.

This has been lengthy, but I hope that you have taken something from it, and I hope you will keep posting and sharing your progress.

Agrace