End of 6 year relationship

[Strengththroughadversity]

Hi everyone,

I'm a first time poster here. As you can tell by the title, my 6 year relationship ended. He pulled the plug, I think although we loved each other deeply and were very bonded, but in the end we drifted apart and grew in different directions. Two weeks ago he said he loved me so much, however, a week ago I flared up my old issues of insecurity which I think pushed him away and pushed him to end the relationship because he felt he couldn't take it anymore.

Now after the breakup, he said he still wants to be friends, and still values me in his life so much, but he only sees me as a friend.

My question is how do those feelings turn of so quick? I go in and out, some days I'm neutral and work on myself. Some days I'm a wreck and I grieve the end of the relationship.

He's been nothing but kind and supportive, always helping me when I need it and he tells me how strong I am and how he's always here to support me. How do guys turn off their feelings like that? Or is he in denial? I know once upon a time he loved me so dearly. I just can't comprehend how one can switch from romantic to platonic love so fast.

I just want to get better but right now I just don't know how to move forward. I miss him so much but I know we both have to move on and work on our flaws so that we can grow and flourish. How do I get my heart to listen to my brain?

Any advice on how to move forward and move past this heartbreak of losing a first love would please be appreciated.

Thank you very much.

[therising]

Hi Strengththroughadversity!

A break-up can be such a sorrowful experience and I feel for you.

So relevant that you would refer to the concept of grief, with the typical 5 stages being denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Wondering whether you and your ex have already been through any of these stages before you split up; perhaps there was already some denial, anger and bargaining (we'll stay together if we don't upset each other too much). Maybe one of the reasons he appears to have come to terms with it all involves him having already worked through much of the process. Just a thought.

Facing the process of redefining our self and our life, just after a break-up, is daunting to say the least. I believe the 'depression' part of the grief process involves coming to terms with losing the idea of who we imagined we would always be/how we imagined life would be. The 'acceptance' stage involves accepting our self for who we are without the input of the old, without the ideas or imagery that once existed.

We typically accept change when we prove to our brain change is possible. It is a bit of a reconditioning process that can sometimes take a fair amount of time and management. But what do we do with all those emotions in the meantime? Everyone works through grief in their own way, with the amount of tears that serve them in a healthy process of venting. Whilst keeping in mind that EMOTION is Energy in MOTION, being aware of what you are doing with your energy, how you are channeling it is important. Thinking up ways to invest your emotion positively is key. You mentioned how some days are good (during your transition/reinvention period) and I wonder what you are doing with your energy on these days. Are you channeling your energy into laughter when meeting up with friends or perhaps going to the gym or getting some exercise of some sort? Are you doing things that prove your strength through independence? By the way, how we address the balance in nurturing body, mind and spirit during a transition period is important. When one of the 3 suffers it can really throw us out.

For sure, there are going to be some triggers for sadness during this time in your life and that is to be expected, considering how invested you were in the relationship. I believe it is not necessarily time that heals our wounds, it is change and a newfound faith in our ability to adapt.

Take care. Sending positive energy your way!!!

[geoff]

Hello STA, I'm sorry to abbreviate your avatar but can I offer you a warm welcome.

I'm sorry that your 6 year relationship has ended, your first love is so difficult to comprehend why and definitely very upsetting but any mental illness can do this, in other words, if he was beginning to struggle himself with the oncoming of depression, then he finds it difficult to deal with himself, he certainly couldn't cope with anybody else's feelings, however, this largely depends on how each person feels.

Your first love teaches you what it's like to be in a romantic relationship, but when you're struggling to get over your first love, this is perfectly normal but here are some examples

-try to focus on the present and not dwell on the past

-you learned a lot about yourself by being in love

-focus on what's ahead of you rather than your lost love

-limit the time spent thinking of your ex

-if thoughts creep back in, say something to yourself like, I've already
thought about this today

-talk to a friend, family member, or counsellor about the thoughts you are now having, and in saying this can I suggest going to your doctor

- remember losing your first love doesn't mean you've failed, it's a stepping stone towards your future.

Geoff.