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Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing.
Emotional scars can take a lifetime to heal, so it’s understandable that you feel the way that you do. I’m also one to not speak up when I should and bottle up feelings and frustrations. Of course, when you bottle up your emotions, they can burst out at unexpected times and you can hurt those that you love.
Your post on this forum is an amazing first step into personal growth and being a better version of yourself! Perhaps journaling your feelings is another step you could take. Journaling could be a way for you to vent and process your built-up emotions. Some journaling prompts or even just questions to ask yourself: Which emotions am I trying to avoid right now? Why am I trying to hide from this emotion? What is preventing me from addressing this feeling?
Hope this helps!
Hello Rodlin, & welcome. With so many thoughts & feelings, I'm sure it is very difficult to know where to start. Fortunately, I think you have already started by seeing there are aspects of your thinking & behaviour you want to change. Took me so long to do that!
I carry a long past, as well, & have had such volitile emotions, which I struggled to name or express. With my anger, I wanted to explode, fearing what might be if I was to implode instead. These seeme my only options, & exploding seemed only remotely possible, & then in, what would have been, a totally uncontrolled way - too scary.
So I had to do a lot of learning.
I did a lot of writing, until I knew I needed to not just be talking to myself, who had no answers or ideas about what to do next. That's when I sought therapy.
Also, other things I di: I walked off some anger, painted some of my memories, wrote them as well, cleane some more anger, slept a lot, when I could, & focused my thought into something small & close, (little embarrassing), which was that I plaited cords using some brightly coloured reels of nylon, late at night, in the dark, when I couldn't sleep. I also could express my feelings more 'safely' through singing.
If you look around the forums many people have suggested ways of relaxing, breathing, grounding, meditating, being in the moment (mindfulness), exercising regularly, eating well, routine, big & little self-care things we have learned. There is so much, it's not easy to suggest where you might begin, except to say, anywhere you think you might like to read &/or post yourself. You are most welcome.
I'm so glad you've joined, & I hope we'll speak again.😺
You’ve taken the first step as they say, in acknowledging that you have some toxic behaviors that require change. You recognize that if you continue on this trajectory, you will end up alienating those you love and likely ending up alone. What would I do in this situation? Firstly, I would have a family meeting where I sit down and explain that I acknowledge the way that I have been behaving and that it has been wrong. This serves two purposes, to apologize for the way you have treated those you love and validate their feelings, but also so that you have people who can hold you accountable if you are behaving that way again. Your transformation won’t happen overnight, it will take consistent effort, particularly in the hard and stressful moments when you are fatigued and likely to return to old habits. And sometimes you will fail, and in those moments your family can step in and refocus your awareness and provide you with another opportunity to take a new road. And finally, I would engage the services of a psychologist to help you work through your past trauma and your issues surrounding control, insecurity, and the constant striving for perfection. A lot of us bear the wounds of a traumatic past but it is never our right to inflict them upon other people. I commend you on your courage taken to reach out and want a better life for yourself and your family.
Wellcome to our forums!
Your finest work you will ever do is on your inner self, this brings great internal growth !
You really can become very self aware…….. once you do you can begin to change the way you see the world.
You can learn to challenge and change perceptions.
You really have the power within you to change for the better.
Meditation is a very useful practice to do to become more aware.