Drinking husband

[nogo17]

I posted about a year ago - I kicked my husband out due to his excessive drinking, hiding alcohol and isolating me in the kids. He would drink and sit outside from the time he got home from work untill bed time. I went to al-anon, lost my family (parents sisters) they didn’t believe me he had a problem as he was so good at hiding it. Anyway long story short- he agreed to give it away - he got sick Withdrawls- then it was he would only have a few beers on a Friday and sat night, now he is isolating himself out side again and I noticed a beer in front of him (thur night)!

I’m stressing it’s going tostart again. He sits outside by himself watching TV that didn’t really change even when he came back. I told him how it makes me and kids feel- yet he said he likes sitting out there.

Im thinking I may have just wasted another year of my life hoping things would change. I’m ready to end this once and for all. Last time I had a nervous breakdown.. He is depressed, snappy, angry. If I mention alcohol he snaps at me.. is the drinking going to increase again? Last time it was 5 cartons in 10 days and spirits on top of that..

[Quercus]

Hi Nogo17,

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Alcohol addiction can destroy families. I know this first hand. Not my story to tell though. Just know I do understand the frustration and hurt. Trying to be a family with one parent outside drinking is hard work. The impact on yourself and your kids is huge.

Wondering why is the booze more important to you than US?

I think you know already you cannot make someone WANT to change. Fighting an addiction is comstant hard work and pain and effort. Your husband has to want to give it up. Not because he is being forced to but because he wants to.

Him lashing out and getting angry makes sense to me. He knows he is hurting you. But he wants to drink.

I think it is time to sit down for a blunt conversation.

You've had enough. And I understand that completely. For an addict returning to a beer or two is a bad sign. I know this sign and it tends to end up as calling in sick from work and drowning in booze. And it affects the whole family.

Time to book a session with a family counsellor if you haven't already. Sometimes it takes a wake up call. To sit with a therapist mediating (helps with the snapping and anger) and make it clear you've had enough of being a second place family with booze in first. That you can't make him want to quit. But you do get to decide when you can't give any more.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I hope he wakes up and chooses you.

Nat

[geoff]

Hello Nogo, yes I do well and truly remember when you were last on the site and it's good to see you back but under difficult circumstances.

An addiction isn't easy to stop and last time it unfortunately caused a nervous breakdown for you, we don't want this to happen again.

If you remember I was a cupboard drinker due to my depression etc but now only a social drinker and feel so much better.

Basically, your husband can't drink alcohol at all, and by drinking supposedly on Friday and Saturday nights has now progressed into drinking on Thursday, then it will be the whole week once again.

He can't drink 2 days of the week and he won't be able to have 1 drink and then stop, the situation is going to return back to the way it was.

The alcohol maybe put somewhere you can't find it from Sunday to Thursday/Friday but you will know if he has alcohol in his system.

If you want him back then there is no alcohol, however he gets angry once you mention that word.

Don't let this break you down again, but please let us know.

All the best.

Geoff.

[geoff]

Hi Nogo, I know this is a difficult situation for you and to make a decision isn't easy, I'm just wondering how you and the kids are holding up.

Take care.

Geoff.

[nogo17]

Hi Geoff, thankyou for checking in.. husband has not spoken a word to me for over a week. Sits outside - I’ve noticed the drinking is now everyday. I’m thinking of selling the house this time and moving on.. I haven’t got the emotional or mental capacity to go through this again.. it neally killed me last time. Literally. Kids don’t know much different now as it’s been happening so long.. they have to go outside and talk to him to interact. He prob doesn’t listen anyway as the TV always going.. I’m having bad anxiety and depression again thinking of it going back as it was before.. this is not living it’s hell.

[geoff]

Hi Nogo, I am so deeply sorry for you and the kids.

There is an old saying 'you can't change the spots on a leopard' and unfortunately, this is the position you are in.

I do think that selling the house and moving on as you say would be a good idea because there would be too many memories you only want to forget.

You've been through this before so you and the kids don't want to suffer from his addiction once again.

He has his own problems he needs to address and until he does he can't hide behind the alcohol.

Are you still able to contact Al-Anon for support, but I would also suggest you please go and see your doctor.

Do you know where you are going to move to because there will be few decisions to consider, so please can you get back to me, I know the situation you are facing.

I hope you can take care.

Geoff.

[nogo17]

Hi Geoff, you are right and we’re right last time too he is not going to change- he actually doesn’t want to. He gets defensive when I mention alcohol even if I make a genuine concerned comment.

when he came back He said he would have a couple on a Friday and Saturday night. Then it also included public holidays. If he had to miss a Friday or Saturday night due to something that was on , he would say he had to make the missed day up somewhere else and would drink on a week day.

now when ever I walk past the pack door there is s beer on the table. He does work full time , but he’s been sitting outside from the time he gets home til the time he goes to bed for neally 18 months - 2years!

I don’t think he is a very good father. I also work and take the kids to all activities after school. He gets home and nothing. The weekend I booked some child lessons and he resents me as he has to take our daughter as I’m at work- I assume it cuts into beer time and sport on TV.

Today is Monday and a public holiday I’m sure the drinking will start up shortly.

He has started taking his empties away with him again- but I’ve noticed he lines them all up outside like he’s showing me that’s all he has drank!

Don’t know where I’m going yet. Going to see GP and take sick leave as it’s already getting me in a bad place.

Thanks Geoff for messaging me. I feel so alone.

[geoff]

Hello Nogo, I won't forget in getting back to you, and if I can rely a story about another chap who had to drink x amount of beer cans every night, nearly a slab and cost him a fortune, but he was working and thought nothing of it, it was 'his' time.

He and his wife had to go out one night and they got home late, but never the less he had to drink his normal amount, that's when the wife divorced him.

Can I suggest you ring Anglicare who are able to find housing for you, plus they have counsellors, social workers, people experienced in all types of situations.

They were fantastic in helping me when I was in a lot of trouble, so maybe if you can give them a ring.

Can you please get back to me.

My best wishes.

Geoff.