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down in the dumps and don't know where to turn.

Community Member


I've been living with anxiety and possibly a bit depressed for the past year, although I've only really accepted all of this in the last week. Im booked in to see a psychologist on friday but wanted to reach out to other people in similar situations.

Ive been with my partner for 2 and a half years, we are currently renting together. He is 33 and I am 24.

About a year ago I found messages to a few different girls, one being his ex girlfriend. He was messaging her asking to catch up to talk about issues that were going on with him at the time. I was devastated and confronted him and he said that he felt that he couldn't speak to me about the issues as i come from a 'perfect family' and i wouldn't understand. One of the messages to another girl was talking about a time (before we met) that they has sex and he was telling her how amazing that night was and that he hasn't forgotten it. As you can imagine I was heartbroken and moved back home for a few days. He promised me he would never do it again. We both love each other very much but I haven't been able to trust him since, he doesn't understand as it was so long ago but he hurt me so much. I don't know how to trust him again.

Fast forward to now... we are going through a very rough time, our relationship is hanging on by a thread. I wad tidying up his clothes and I found a fine in it from the police. He had been charged with driving under the influence of cannabis and meth. I felt sick to the stomach but instantly confronted him. He obviously had to admit to it and said he was going to tell me but didn't know how.. I don't believe he would have. Im pretty against drugs and really don't know what to do in this situation. I love him and I can't imagine my life without him but I'm not sure if I can be involved with a drug user.

4 Replies 4

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Callie... you have been feeling anxious and depressed for the past year, coinciding perfectly with when you found those messages on your partner's phone and you haven't been able to trust him since. I may be stating the obvious, but these two things are linked. Trust is essential for a healthy relationship, as is open communication, and from what you have written above neither is present with your partner. The drugs revelation is just another red flag on the road to the edge of the cliff. If he can't be honest with you about this, what else is being kept from you? I'm sure these thoughts are not new to you, and will be driving your anxiety.

You say you can't imagine life without this man. Well, you had a life before this man and you will have one afterwards as well. This will be difficult to see right now. But from my point of view you have a pretty clear choice ahead of you.

Community Member

Hi Callie,

You are 24 and have so much of your life ahead of you. Don't waste it someone who lies to you and chases after ex girlfriends. If you don't want to be with someone that uses drugs then don't be. Leaving can be hard but staying can be harder in the long run.

You said you couldn't imagine being without him, but is that because you haven't experienced a better relationship? Have value in yourself and do what's right for you.

Hi Callie,

Hopefully the psychologist will be able to help you to see your situation more clearly.

If you do decide to leave, do you have a safe place to go to?

If you stay, how much are you willing to accept in your relationship?

People can change, but some are so entrenched in their way of thinking and acting they are unable to change.

Would your partner be prepared to attend couple's counselling with you?

How would you feel if he continued to use drugs or if he was driving under the influence of drugs with you in the car?

Maybe if he loves you enough, he may be able to change some of his ways. Only you can decide what is best for you.

It may help to make two lists: 1) Reasons for staying in this relationship 2) Reasons for leaving this relationship.

Consider what you have written in both lists. Put it aside and have another look at it tomorrow.

Hope some of this helps.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Callie, I only agree with what has been said, but it's a decision that you have to decide on, but firstly he has been dishonest to your relationship by contacting this other girl or girls obviously indicating that he would be open to have sex with them, although he hasn't necessarily said that, however if he was asked them it would happen.
If you do come from a perfect family then he would get the best advice, but that's not what he wanted and needed to do everything his own way, just as he has done by smoking weed and meth, these are enormous danger signs, and what else could he be hiding from you, and that's a big worry.
He has two lives and the life you do love is just a small percentage of how he actually is, and the rest is not what you want to live with and will always be a big problem, doubting everything he does.
I'm sure you won't have any problem finding someone you can trust and who also loves you. Geoff.