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Down and Out
I had been seeing my partner for nearly 3 years. There were good times but there were bad times too.
I did some stupid things and so did he. I went to see a Counsellor and worked out I have low self esteem and suffered from codependency issues.
I asked him to see a Counsellor with me but he never did. We broke up but he came back saying he would change and do anything to get us back on track.
The last couple of months have been really tough with his Mum suffering health issues and then having to move. I helped him so much during this time as I have always done. He even lived with me for nearly 4 weeks cause his unit was not an option.
He has since moved into a new unit and his Mum's situation has improved. Now he says he is emotionally cooked and that I am full on, needy and smothering.
He isn't willing to work on us and told me to go and get better for the next person. It feels he took what he could when he needed it from me and now that things have improved for him, he moves on.
He tells me now he has been to a Counsellor who told him it is a long road for someone with codependency to improve - but he can't be that person to help me. It is so hurtful especially after I was there for him during some of his toughest times.
He even admitted that he would say and and do things to push me out of my comfort zone to prove little things aren't worth worrying about and to make me a stronger person.
I know I have to change some things in my life but this wasn't all me.
Since this all exploded, I have felt so lonely and guilty about what has happened. I know things will get better but it is just so hard, especially after I drove past him today.
I know I am a good person and probably deserve better. But I worry and get so anxious about where to from here. It has affected my sleep, my work and some of my friendships.
Everyday is so hard. I just hope it will get better.
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums GoodGuy1980, I'm sorry to hear what's been going on. From what you have said I can understand you would be confused and hurt. Your (ex) partner doesn't sound like he is in a position to judge your mental health I don't reckon.
I think you are okay to 'hope it will get better.' Know it will. Have the intention of having a fresh start, small steps each day. So if I started to have the feelings of anxiousness and where to from here, I would stay positive and think about the things that are important to me, the things I care about the most. I write them down, in circles I put things like family, friends, health, playing music, career, touring & camping, volunteering etc etc, put it all down and have a look. Now, I can make plans in each circle, bring it back to the small steps I can take today. I try and keep all the circles active, some don't cross over into others. Straight away I have things I can do, be active, things that I have worked out are important to me and bring me peace and happiness.
Perhaps you can 'pigeon hole' your thoughts about your ex. When you catch yourself feeling sad or frustrated, tell yourself that you will stick that thought in the pigeon hole for later, you acknowledge that you will revisit the thought but not now, not while you are happy. Later on while you are doing the dishes (!) you can check your pigeon hole, but only briefly!
Don't forget to check your breathing when you are anxious, slow it down, not too deep, I do 4 seconds in 4 seconds out. Meditation has helped me heaps too, it trains my brain to focus and brings me calmness.
Talk any time
dear GG, hello and thanks for posting your comment, and I too am definitely so sorry this has happened, but can I be blunt here, you have been used, been taken advantage of, and for some reason I find it difficult to believe that he has gone to a counsellor, because I can't understand why he would want to go, after throwing you away.
He feels as though he is on top of you and believes he is in total control, and that's another why he wouldn't need to see a counsellors he says ' he would say and and do things to push me out of my comfort zone'.
You have your own personality and no one should try and change it, sure we can change to a certain degree, but to be influenced by a person who wants to dictate and dominant your feelings it not on.
Try not to freeze up if and when you see him, remember he is probably doing exactly the same to his new girlfriend, and this will continue to happen until he learns a bit of maturity. L Geoff. x
Thanks for posting to BB.
I'm sorry that it's been rough for you and your partner wasn't willing to work on the codependency issues with you. I think that's really unfortunate because it sounds like you've really been there for your partner and gone 'above and beyond' so to speak in offering him a unit and being there for him.
You said that " It feels he took what he could when he needed it from me and now that things have improved for him, he moves on" - is that his wording or yours - is it over between you both?
In my opinion, if you want to work on it on your own - you can, and if you want to work on it with him as your partner - you can, but you need to decide which.
Even though the term codependency has 'dependent' in the word, you don't need your partner to be with you to get help. Yes it can help - but it's not necessary, and you can still work through the codependency with a counsellor or psychologist or whoever you feel comfortable with.
It will get better. Take it one step at a time, and talk to someone. It can start with a simple phone call.
Good luck. 🙂