dont rly want to be in this relationship - am i a bad person?

[cherrysundae]

recently one of my close friends moved schools, and shes been going through a lot already on top of all of that. she moved against her own will and wanted to stay here very much . on her last day, she was crying a lot so naturally, me being her friend and all i comforted her. we had always had a pretty close friendship,even within our group of close friends we found ourselves connecting with each other more. well, after her last day she messaged me over the phone and conffessed that she had feelings for me . i didnt know what to do we r both very similar in these kinds of situations - we panic so we have one of our close friends to back us up - so while she was panicking about confessing her feelings and i was panicking about getting confessed to we both turned to the same close friend for support and well i didnt know what to do i did not want a relationship i mean shes a lovely girl and all but im just not ready for a relationship right now but i thought, how can i turn her down now when my other close friend already knows whats going on ??? how can i turn her down when shes already going thrrough so much?? so i said yes and we've been dating for 2 weeks and a bit. i dont want to be in this relationship but i feel like the longer im in it the less easy it is to get out of . shes not a bad person and its not a bad relationship i just dont want to be in one right now . and i know its wrong that i said yes to a relationship despite my true feelings and i feel extremely guilty about it. i dont think i can go to my friends for support because they all know this girl so they will most definitely think i am a completely terrible person . i just dont know what im even supposed to do- how can i break up with her when ive already said yes? and shes already going through so much so how terrible and selfish do i have to be to want to end things between us when it could be so negative for her?? should i just keep going along with it or be honest with my feelings? everyday i feel more and more guilty about this . is what im doing even so wrong? i just cant help but wish i was single right now. why am i such a bad person? she doesnt deserve to have to put up with me .

[Desedrata]

You need to be honest with her for both your sakes. The longer you leave it the more hurt she will become and that would be far more cruel then ending things now. There is never a right time to break-up with someone but the best time to do it is when you realise that the two of you simply do not belong together.

Let her know that you were mistaken, that you are not emotionally ready to be in a relationship yet. That you are sorry about the timing as you know how stressed she is with all the other changes going on in her life at the moment but it is because you respect her that you feel you need to be honest, that hurting her feelings is the last thing you want to do but that you know that as much as you enjoy her company you have nothing to offer by way of a relationship.

Understand that however she takes the news, you have done the right thing by ending it.

[geoff]

Hello Cherrysundae, and a warm welcome to you.

I totally respect the situation you are in and what Desedrata has said because if you're the one ending the relationship, you probably want to do it in a way where the friendship won't be broken, but I'm not sure that would happen, because it's maybe going to be an awkward or difficult conversation, especially as to when is the best time.

I am worried about what you've said as to the reason why you've decided this 'I said yes to a relationship despite my true feelings'.

Don't rush into it without thinking it through, you may say things that you may regret.

Take care.

Geoff.

[MissBenthos]

Hi Cherrysundae,

You are not responsible for someone else’s feelings. You are responsible for your own, just as they are responsible for theirs. It does not make you a bad person to set boundaries. You need to follow your truth to be kind, in the end she will be much happier to be in a mutually loving relationship, this is not selfish. It will hurt to begin with, but pull that splinter out now or it will swell and get worse. It does not serve either of you to be in this relationship. Whatever she has going on in her life trust that she can get through and and become a stronger person for it.

I think it could be beneficial for you to do some research on setting boundaries. Often we try really hard to please people around us at a high cost to ourselves and in the end it doesn’t serve anyone well. Saying yes to things we don’t want but then either doing a bad job of it, making excuses for not doing it or resenting the person who asked us are the results. Telling people we are happy to go to any restaurant for dinner because “we’re easy going” then forces the other person to guess what we like and maybe ends us up at a restaurant we hate. It’s often easier to just say what we really want. I’ve recently watched some helpful YouTube videos on boundary setting by Terri Cole, they may be helpful for you as well if interested.

You can do this, you are worth more than an unfulfilling relationship and so is your friend. Good luck xo

[Alexlisa]

Hello Cherrysundae,

Please don’t be too hard on yourself. This is something that happens sometimes and doesn’t make you a ‘bad person’ at all. You were doing your best to comfort a friend in a difficult moment, by putting your needs second and have found yourself in this difficult situation, but you’re ok as a person. You seem to have had good intentions.

I agree with the other replies that you probably should deal with this sooner rather than later. Most importantly so that you can be true to yourself and know that you’re not infringing on your own boundaries and rights as an individual with your own needs. I know how hard it can be to face this situation though. I’ve been in a very similar situation to you and took a long time to face it. I was so scared to face it that I unfortunately became resentful of her because I felt so trapped and tried to push her away rather than be honest. It cost me the friendship because I was so avoidant of causing her pain, and I think she was hurt more than had I just been honest.

I was much older than you, so I want to reassure you that it can happen to anyone and I think it’s part of trying to be a good and empathic person that we can sometimes sacrifice our own needs for others. I also felt very guilty, but I knew deep down that I meant no harm.

I think if you’re honest about what you’re going through your friend will receive it quite well. It’s hard not to respect someone who is taking ownership of their own feelings. I thought what Desedrata wrote explains it well, that you had no bad intentions and in fact care about her very much and that’s how this happened.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself. You need to be kind to yourself at this time, as well as kind to her. You sound like a good person. Take care.

Alexlisa